(no subject)
We bought a gun this weekend, which is pretty cool. Went to the gun show, saw lots and lots of rednecks and picked up a Tec 9 (drive-by gun) for $200. It's nice to know that if some guy breaks into my house I can protect myself and the baby. Ever since we had Jack, it's been a point of concern for both me and Jeremy. What if somebody breaks in, and he'll obviously have a gun, and what do we have? Nothing. Now we can shoot them in the face :).
Or I can shoot myself in the face because I hate every aspect of my life. I haven't slept in weeks. Jack doesn't sleep. Jeremy of course has to sleep because he has to go to work *sarcasm*, so he goes to bed around 9:30 or 10 and leaves me up with the baby trying to get him to go to sleep until 11. I'm crying hysterically, because I'm sooo fucking tired, and the baby won't sleep and Jeremy gets to sleep and it's not fair. I don't work, so it doesn't matter if I sleep or not since I just sit on my fat ass all day. Yeah...typical man. If I'm not bringing in a paycheck, my contribution is shit and I do nothing of value. And since he does work, when he gets home he should be able to kick back and relax. I find myself asking over and over again, "What good is this man to me?" I could work and make more money. Yeah, Jack would have to go to daycare, but that would actually be easier on me than the current situation, and then I'd come home and have to take care of him and the apartment and everything by myself which I do already...the only difference is I wouldn't have that second child to take care of and have him sit around making me feel like shit about myself.
See, Jeremy doesn't give a shit about me. He honestly doesn't. What is important to me, my thoughts, my feelings don't matter enough to inspire any sort of change in him. He's not mean. He never does or says anything that's outright mean (well, sometimes...but not usually). He's just not nice. God forbid he ever spend 5 minutes doing something just for me on his own volition. God forbid he ever compliment me on anything at all. And his whole attitude is that every problem we have is my fault, everytime he says something not so nice it's my fault, the baby fussing all the time is my fault, everything is my fucking fault. So guess how optimistic I am that any of this is going to get better?
Yeah...typical wife ranting and raving about what an asshole her husband is because she doesn't feel appreciated. God...this is what I've become. You struggle your whole life to be different and before you know it you're exactly like everybody else that you never wanted to be. Bullshit.
Or I can shoot myself in the face because I hate every aspect of my life. I haven't slept in weeks. Jack doesn't sleep. Jeremy of course has to sleep because he has to go to work *sarcasm*, so he goes to bed around 9:30 or 10 and leaves me up with the baby trying to get him to go to sleep until 11. I'm crying hysterically, because I'm sooo fucking tired, and the baby won't sleep and Jeremy gets to sleep and it's not fair. I don't work, so it doesn't matter if I sleep or not since I just sit on my fat ass all day. Yeah...typical man. If I'm not bringing in a paycheck, my contribution is shit and I do nothing of value. And since he does work, when he gets home he should be able to kick back and relax. I find myself asking over and over again, "What good is this man to me?" I could work and make more money. Yeah, Jack would have to go to daycare, but that would actually be easier on me than the current situation, and then I'd come home and have to take care of him and the apartment and everything by myself which I do already...the only difference is I wouldn't have that second child to take care of and have him sit around making me feel like shit about myself.
See, Jeremy doesn't give a shit about me. He honestly doesn't. What is important to me, my thoughts, my feelings don't matter enough to inspire any sort of change in him. He's not mean. He never does or says anything that's outright mean (well, sometimes...but not usually). He's just not nice. God forbid he ever spend 5 minutes doing something just for me on his own volition. God forbid he ever compliment me on anything at all. And his whole attitude is that every problem we have is my fault, everytime he says something not so nice it's my fault, the baby fussing all the time is my fault, everything is my fucking fault. So guess how optimistic I am that any of this is going to get better?
Yeah...typical wife ranting and raving about what an asshole her husband is because she doesn't feel appreciated. God...this is what I've become. You struggle your whole life to be different and before you know it you're exactly like everybody else that you never wanted to be. Bullshit.