Dec 28, 2009 18:56
This log will be saved on the padd I have removed from the network. It is encoded in the methods that I have used on my own ship, but for the first time, from Spock as well. I have no where left safe to speak my mind, so I will reside myself to this last foothold.
It is very late night or very early morning, depending on your reasoning. I have claimed the Observation Deck as my own, for a period of time, and have found a corner I believe that is unseen by security cameras. It was not difficult to triangulate, and from the lack of seating available in this corner, I see they may know this weakness exists and hide it. This will be a written log to keep my voice from being recorded.
I have begun teaching Jim the basics of shielding his mind. Without the aid of a Vulcan, or if my teachings in melding cannot be furthered, his education cannot continue. I doubt the child-Spock will assist, and his own Spock refuses to leave the Romulans in some fool desire, and right now I cannot deal with my own.
That is why I am here, tonight. There is something about the stars that normally soothes me, allows me to think, but even they cannot be of help. My routes of thought end in looping circles or dead ends, and like a labyrinth I cannot find a way out. Spock has been damaged in ways I cannot fix. His mental landscape has changed from the barren but peaceful rocky surface I have always known to something foreign and alien even to himself.
He has become lost within his own mind, and my assistance has thus far managed to only harm him further. His distance becomes greater and greater with each passing day, as does his pain. He withdraws from my touch and simialtaniously clings to it. Even in our darkest hours, I have not seen him like this.
He seemed comfortable with that woman, more than he has with me in the days since the accident in the mess hall. I have never been frustrated to this measure with Spock, yet twice now I have left him alone so that I do not lash out or make things worse. I do not know the road to take.
There are five major options that I foresee.
1. We return to our universe.
2. I return to our universe.
3. We remain in this universe.
4. We follow Jim to his universe.
5. One or the other of us follows Jim to his universe.
There is a sixth option I dare not mention.
I want to have the best possible chance for Spock. This is a weakness I cannot deny in myself. Here, unlike our own universe, Spock has a chance to be something greater. Someone greater than even what I see him to be. He has mentioned the concept of friends, something that he has none of in our universe. That woman, for all I hate her, seems to make him happier. Until the incident, he seemed happy.
He needs help he cannot receive in our universe, but could here. I cannot desert my ship, for I am its captain. It would mean the death of my crew, as they cannot pilot the ship, fire weapons, even contact another ship. It would mean the destruction of the ship I have not only helped to design, but have helped to give possible sentience to if McCoy is correct.
He has been changing. He has said it himself. I cannot change to meet his needs, and that is becoming clear. I will do what is necessary to give him this chance, no matter what it means to me.
No matter where I end up, it will end in danger, or loneliness. After eleven years, considering the circumstances, I am not sure which is the one I prefer.