Ooh look! Depressed Iroh icon indicates depressed post. Neat how that works, huh?
Truefax: The depression Kuei experiences in my fics is directly proportional to the depression I am experiencing at the time of writing said fics.
No really. Tonight, instead of doing work, I'm working on an angsty piece for 30_kisses until I get this "out of my system."
Which is a joke, really. Anyone will tell you that this disease never does that. The hardest part, I think, is not really having any friends locally who I trust enough to talk about these things. I was sort of working on one relationship, but then it ended for some reason. I guess because my (former?) friend got depressed herself and stopped talking to people? Anyway, I'd like to call her up, but it seems sort of awkward now. I tend to avoid feeling awkward whenever I can, because everyone should have at least five minutes a day where he or she doesn't feel worthless, right? The downside of this attitude is that I never really deal with my problems.
Even over on my main LJ it feels difficult to discuss these things. That LJ used to be my safe space, but after an incident in 2007 it hasn't been safe. Someone used something innocuous I wrote to try and hurt someone else. A lot of yelling and public humiliation (to me) happened. Now, I don't feel comfortable posting anything too personal there, even under friends lock. But hey. I get PTSD flashbacks about that moment now, so I guess the person who decided to use me as a catspaw got their way, huh? Fucknut.
Heh. Anyway. 30_kisses. I'm really enjoying writing these. Right now they're about the only thing keeping me from having what I like to call a meltdown. Even with medication and therapy, I get anywhere from 3-4 of these a year. They can last two or three weeks to three or four months. I can sometimes predict them, and sometimes I can't. A book about depression that I am now reading states that after you have had several such meltdowns, the likelihood of having another increases to the point where you're pretty much guaranteed to relapse. The reason? The nervous system has grown accustom to them.
I fucking hate that.
Everybody in my life who knows I have depression wants me to get better. That's what we say when someone is sick, don't we? "Feel better soon!" But for me, the prospect of ever getting better is unlikely. There have been too many breakdowns. I had enough to be diagnosed with clinical depression by the age of 12. I wasn't until I was 23. But that is another story, and one that will just make me feel worse in telling now.
When people tell me they hope I get better, it makes me sad. Because I am going to live with this disease for the rest of my life. I dream of going a year without a meltdown. One year. Even that feels impossible. I wish they would tell me that they hope I learn to manage it. But even that feels impossible sometimes.
My last spell hit roughly when I began writing fan fiction again (and right about the time I made this LJ). It was around Thanksgiving, and I was depressed, and I didn't know why. My relationship with my family and girlfriend was fine. Yes, I missed talking to and seeing my best "RL" friend, but plenty of friends have dumped me before without a reason, and I'm used to it. It was darker, but I've weathered seasonal changes before without any adverse effects.
It's now February and it still hasn't entirely lifted.
And what sucks is ... I am usually depressed and anxious during the summer, too. So if Winter is hurting me this much already, I don't know where I'll get the strength to handle summer. Or the life-changes that will happen after that.
I feel very alone and lonely right now. People try, but they just do not really understand. And I am so tired of trying to manage it and deal with it, and not devolve into old, harmful behaviors such as self-injury.
*sigh*
The best part of it all is that my medication makes it virtually impossible for me to cry. So I sit here having all the physical symptoms of a crying jag, only without the release of tears.
And people wonder why so many depressed people kill ourselves. *shakes her head sadly*
No really. Tonight, instead of doing work, I'm working on an angsty piece for 30_kisses until I get this "out of my system."
Which is a joke, really. Anyone will tell you that this disease never does that. The hardest part, I think, is not really having any friends locally who I trust enough to talk about these things. I was sort of working on one relationship, but then it ended for some reason. I guess because my (former?) friend got depressed herself and stopped talking to people? Anyway, I'd like to call her up, but it seems sort of awkward now. I tend to avoid feeling awkward whenever I can, because everyone should have at least five minutes a day where he or she doesn't feel worthless, right? The downside of this attitude is that I never really deal with my problems.
Even over on my main LJ it feels difficult to discuss these things. That LJ used to be my safe space, but after an incident in 2007 it hasn't been safe. Someone used something innocuous I wrote to try and hurt someone else. A lot of yelling and public humiliation (to me) happened. Now, I don't feel comfortable posting anything too personal there, even under friends lock. But hey. I get PTSD flashbacks about that moment now, so I guess the person who decided to use me as a catspaw got their way, huh? Fucknut.
Heh. Anyway. 30_kisses. I'm really enjoying writing these. Right now they're about the only thing keeping me from having what I like to call a meltdown. Even with medication and therapy, I get anywhere from 3-4 of these a year. They can last two or three weeks to three or four months. I can sometimes predict them, and sometimes I can't. A book about depression that I am now reading states that after you have had several such meltdowns, the likelihood of having another increases to the point where you're pretty much guaranteed to relapse. The reason? The nervous system has grown accustom to them.
I fucking hate that.
Everybody in my life who knows I have depression wants me to get better. That's what we say when someone is sick, don't we? "Feel better soon!" But for me, the prospect of ever getting better is unlikely. There have been too many breakdowns. I had enough to be diagnosed with clinical depression by the age of 12. I wasn't until I was 23. But that is another story, and one that will just make me feel worse in telling now.
When people tell me they hope I get better, it makes me sad. Because I am going to live with this disease for the rest of my life. I dream of going a year without a meltdown. One year. Even that feels impossible. I wish they would tell me that they hope I learn to manage it. But even that feels impossible sometimes.
My last spell hit roughly when I began writing fan fiction again (and right about the time I made this LJ). It was around Thanksgiving, and I was depressed, and I didn't know why. My relationship with my family and girlfriend was fine. Yes, I missed talking to and seeing my best "RL" friend, but plenty of friends have dumped me before without a reason, and I'm used to it. It was darker, but I've weathered seasonal changes before without any adverse effects.
It's now February and it still hasn't entirely lifted.
And what sucks is ... I am usually depressed and anxious during the summer, too. So if Winter is hurting me this much already, I don't know where I'll get the strength to handle summer. Or the life-changes that will happen after that.
I feel very alone and lonely right now. People try, but they just do not really understand. And I am so tired of trying to manage it and deal with it, and not devolve into old, harmful behaviors such as self-injury.
*sigh*
The best part of it all is that my medication makes it virtually impossible for me to cry. So I sit here having all the physical symptoms of a crying jag, only without the release of tears.
And people wonder why so many depressed people kill ourselves. *shakes her head sadly*