I'm a piece of shit
Once again i've found myself in the very situation that i've tried to keep myself out of for a good while. some say its unhealthy, but in light of keeping friends the way they are i'd have to say its the healthiest way i can think of that doesn't require either me or someone else stress. yea, sometimes stress is good, but with this particular kind of stress there has been only one situation where it didn't include me either losing a friend, or having someone that was a good friend put a lot of distance between me and themselves. awkwardness is the name of the wrong kind of game because apparently everyone hates awkward situations, even if they can lead to something better, everyone just wants to stay away from them. i can understand, but at the same time i wish people could just get over it and deal with them everyonce and a while. i know i'm not the only person that's ever had this happen to them, and at the same time i can't remember a time where i've ever personally been on the other side of the situation, so i can't give a bias opinion as to how people on that side feel about the situation. ok so i guess i've rambled about it enough and i'll just out with it, but i'm going to speak in general/vague terms still cause i don't want any drama to happen anywhere, and i don't feel like i have anyone to whom i can really talk to about this that it would make a difference. so this is the only way i can relieve at least a little stress from myself, regardless of how selfish it may be (hence the vagueness).
Ok, here goes. I haven't really slept in like 5 days honestly because everytime i go to sleep my subconcious kicks in and i start thinking about someone to whom i just don't think about when i'm awake. i've recently had a few good conversations with her and realized that she and i are a lot more a like than we realized. so with that in hand, i feel we are becoming better friends, and that's all i was wanting/thinking from it. i don't get to see or talk to her very often because apparently things are very awkward otherwise right now in the general area so i don't push the issue; i talk to her, or see when i do and that's that (no biggie right). if i were to give into my subconcious thoughts and just go with it like any normal person would, i feel like i would open up a situation that i've done in the past without thinking about. that being, i'm making good friends with someone and i start feeling something which i don't think about before i tell them, when really 90% of the time it was just because i found someone i could really talk to and not have to worry about anything. i really wish i never fucked up those friendships, but what can ya do ya know. once you lose someones trust its hard to regain it; i know that more than most because i don't really trust but like a few people out of everyone i know. i believe that these are something more, but more so than just following what i feel, which is something i "do" feel very strong about, i'd rather not fuck up yet another friendship. as far as i know we both want basically the same thing, but at the same time, we just don't want it right now lol. in other words - are not looking for a relationship. i haven't had one of those in a long ass time, and for good reason. not because i haven't met anyone that i could have a relationship with, but more along the lines that i've been kinda bad a them in the past and i have just wanted to stay away from them since (even though i know i've matured a lot since i was last in one). another reason though is because you have to be able to trust someone for anything to work, and that's just something i haven't had for hardly anyone for several years, on top of random paranoia on occassion as well (that's really the main reason i've stayed away).
If i were to speak up at this point, regardless of all the stress its causing me, i feel i wouldn't talk to her, or she wouldn't talk to me anymore, and that would only cause even more stress. not to mention that everything i've told her and all the advice i've given out, would all come off as a huge line or a lie (depending on how one individual takes it from the next). everyone's subconcious kicks their ass from one point in time to the next, and my point was at about 4 days of no real sleep. i don't know about you, but if i have 4 days that i'm tired from the day and i lay down to expectingly get a good nights sleep only to think about one person every time you lay down, knowing that things just won't work out for the best if you say something to them....all those things wrapped up just have broken me basically. just as if someone is laying me down dangling a would be nice feeling in front of me and not letting me look away, but at the same time never showing any promise or any hope....took me 4 days to crack...i don't know if that's good or bad, or even if i care one way or the next. all i know is i don't like when i'm in the current mindset that i'm in because there's nothing that i can do about it and there sure as hell isn't anything anyone else can do about it. i like having control over my feelings, which is something i usually pride myself on. so when it gets to this point....i'm just completely useless. this isn't really stress anymore because stress i can deal with. this is constant bad feelings, but its not like depression either. i've been down that path and i'd honestly say i'd take depression over this anyday of the week. i just want to go to bed one night and wake up feeling good. i can't get myself to do anything during the week anymore. the only thing i do find myself doing a lot of is drinking, and that's just not a path that i want to stay on because when i drink, i do so heavily...and that upsets me.
man..i don't know anymore...after all this all i can say is one thing
i'm a piece of shit...
Ok, here goes. I haven't really slept in like 5 days honestly because everytime i go to sleep my subconcious kicks in and i start thinking about someone to whom i just don't think about when i'm awake. i've recently had a few good conversations with her and realized that she and i are a lot more a like than we realized. so with that in hand, i feel we are becoming better friends, and that's all i was wanting/thinking from it. i don't get to see or talk to her very often because apparently things are very awkward otherwise right now in the general area so i don't push the issue; i talk to her, or see when i do and that's that (no biggie right). if i were to give into my subconcious thoughts and just go with it like any normal person would, i feel like i would open up a situation that i've done in the past without thinking about. that being, i'm making good friends with someone and i start feeling something which i don't think about before i tell them, when really 90% of the time it was just because i found someone i could really talk to and not have to worry about anything. i really wish i never fucked up those friendships, but what can ya do ya know. once you lose someones trust its hard to regain it; i know that more than most because i don't really trust but like a few people out of everyone i know. i believe that these are something more, but more so than just following what i feel, which is something i "do" feel very strong about, i'd rather not fuck up yet another friendship. as far as i know we both want basically the same thing, but at the same time, we just don't want it right now lol. in other words - are not looking for a relationship. i haven't had one of those in a long ass time, and for good reason. not because i haven't met anyone that i could have a relationship with, but more along the lines that i've been kinda bad a them in the past and i have just wanted to stay away from them since (even though i know i've matured a lot since i was last in one). another reason though is because you have to be able to trust someone for anything to work, and that's just something i haven't had for hardly anyone for several years, on top of random paranoia on occassion as well (that's really the main reason i've stayed away).
If i were to speak up at this point, regardless of all the stress its causing me, i feel i wouldn't talk to her, or she wouldn't talk to me anymore, and that would only cause even more stress. not to mention that everything i've told her and all the advice i've given out, would all come off as a huge line or a lie (depending on how one individual takes it from the next). everyone's subconcious kicks their ass from one point in time to the next, and my point was at about 4 days of no real sleep. i don't know about you, but if i have 4 days that i'm tired from the day and i lay down to expectingly get a good nights sleep only to think about one person every time you lay down, knowing that things just won't work out for the best if you say something to them....all those things wrapped up just have broken me basically. just as if someone is laying me down dangling a would be nice feeling in front of me and not letting me look away, but at the same time never showing any promise or any hope....took me 4 days to crack...i don't know if that's good or bad, or even if i care one way or the next. all i know is i don't like when i'm in the current mindset that i'm in because there's nothing that i can do about it and there sure as hell isn't anything anyone else can do about it. i like having control over my feelings, which is something i usually pride myself on. so when it gets to this point....i'm just completely useless. this isn't really stress anymore because stress i can deal with. this is constant bad feelings, but its not like depression either. i've been down that path and i'd honestly say i'd take depression over this anyday of the week. i just want to go to bed one night and wake up feeling good. i can't get myself to do anything during the week anymore. the only thing i do find myself doing a lot of is drinking, and that's just not a path that i want to stay on because when i drink, i do so heavily...and that upsets me.
man..i don't know anymore...after all this all i can say is one thing
i'm a piece of shit...