Satanic - yes, Satanic - Attacks
A movie that swept me into it the first time I watched it was The Usual Suspects. It was not some great epic movie, or deep drama. It is not really a movie that would be endorsed in Christian circles - in fact, it most certainly would NOT be: language, violence, it paints a - somewhat - enticing view of crime... yet, it resonated with me. Initially I thought the reason was simply because it was a mystery/suspense, and I love this genre. I love trying to solve puzzles - figure out what's the truth from the clues, in spite of the red herrings. And as a mystery, it was a well-crafted story. Except for those anomalies among us who always seem to be able to figure out the ending, this - at least to me - is a movie that will keep anyone guessing right to the end. I love that.
But I've always wondered why I love mysteries so much. I mean, is there any spiritual significance to enjoying solving puzzles? Even though I am a HUGE proponent of finding Truth in Story, for a long time I could not really figure out what Truth the mystery genre held. Romance is easy: the Bible is a deeply romantic story. Action/Adventure are also easy - these are generally the male equivalent of Romance. Drama is easy - it, by its very nature, deals with humanity's greatest struggles and themes, which are inseparable from God. Even Comedy is easy, because a comedy is always a lighter version of any - sometimes all - of the previous genres. But Mystery/Suspense/Horror/Thriller - what deep Truth do these convey?
That there is more to this world than we can see. That things are not always what they seem.
My favorite quote from The Usual Suspects confirms this: "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he does not exist." In fact, if you consider the truth of this statement, the Truth that the Mystery genre tells us is almost - not quite, but almost - more important than the Truths that the other genres communicate. Much of mainstream Christianity has become victim to the deadly slumber-inducing drug that Satan slowly fed us in this modern, rational, scientific age: Satan, though Christianity acknowledges his existence, fails to take him seriously enough. As a backlash to the ignorant and fear-driven days of the Middle Ages when many natural things were attributed to Satan and his demons, in our modern age the pendulum has swung the other way. We often fail to recognize his handiwork, and as a result, live in more bondage than is necessary - especially Christians.
Just today - just this morning, the very moment before I sat down to write this - this was made exceptionally clear to me. Without going into all the details which would require an entire other post itself, I was living under the burden of some very heavy condemnation. It was not a big issue, but the thing that made it so heavy was that I failed to realize that it was an attack designed to drive a wedge between me and God. I was experiencing what I believed to be some disciplinary action from God. And because of my implicit and deep trust in Him, I submitted to it without question. However, a great fear hung over me in regard to the impending consequences. I knew I had done wrong, and was not asking to be excused from the consequences, yet I knew they would bring greater trial, and I had already repented deeply. So I felt a need to ask for grace and mercy, yet, because I believed this was from God, I did not feel that I could ask for such a thing. Or rather, I could, but I felt that I had no right to - I felt I needed to submit quietly and faithfully, because while God forgives, oftentimes we still need to experience the consequences of our actions. Yet I was afraid that they would be more than I could bear. But I also knew that He would give me the grace to go through whatever path He took me down. Yet, I still had fear, and no peace. That should have been my biggest clue.
Genesis says the serpent was the most subtle of all the creatures in the garden, and it is true. The genius of his attacks is that he often tells us truths. In everything I said above, if you analyzed each point individually, you would find that they were all true: I had done wrong, I had repented, God had given me forgiveness, but I still needed to experience the consequences of my actions, for that is how we learn. Yes, sometimes God gives grace, but that is the discretion of God, which is why I felt that I could ask, but I wanted to be ready to submit to whatever His choice was - and not expect to be let off.
You see, though, the one fact that I took for granted and did not analyze until this morning was this: I was assuming that I was correct that the entire point of this situation was disciplinary action from God. Yes, He was using it prune and grow me, but that does not automatically mean that it was from Him. As soon as this occurred to me, I thought the next logical possibility: could it be an attack from Satan? If so, why? It seems a small, menial thing on which for him to focus his attention. Perhaps my trying to attribute it to him was just an attempt to escape responsibility. Yet at the same time, I did not want to be "ignorant of his schemes", in order that he might "take advantage" of me. (2 Cor. 2:11) As I began to pray for discernment, I pondered what Satan was gaining by this if it was from him. And then it hit me - my fear, and lack of peace! For the past month, I had been unable to feel God's love and grace in this issue, and was feeling on wobbly ground as to His opinion of me - I knew, of course that He loved me and accepted me unconditionally. But I was putting a lot of condemnation on myself, and I could not hear Him disagreeing with it. (Notice I did not say that He was not disagreeing, I said I COULD NOT HEAR Him disagreeing.) And so, I began to doubt Him in some respects, and was not able to rest in Him. THAT WAS SATAN'S GOAL: to drive a wedge between me and God. And he had very nearly accomplished it. I was trying very hard not to agree with the condemnation I felt, but I could find no alternative to agree with in its place. And this lurking sense of condemnation in me was affecting everything else in my life - small misunderstandings with my husband caused me to feel much more at fault, and him to feel much more insensitive of my feelings. It was not driving a wedge between us yet, but if that condemnation was allowed to grow, it would have. YET ANOTHER GOAL OF SATAN. As I said before though, my biggest clue was my emotions. Disciplinary action from God, while we may have to go through the consequences, will never result in continuous feelings of condemnation, guilt, fear, and peacelessness.
I was nearly certain now that this was an attack from Satan. I asked God to give me eyes to see clearly on this issue, for I still wanted to be careful to not avoid responsibility. And then on the radio came a song - "God, my God, I cry out. Your beloved needs you now. ... I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb. I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside. I will lift my eyes to the Caller of the oceans raging wild. I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes, to You." As this beautiful song played, the sun began to burn and to glow through the morning cloud covering. As I sang along in faith and praised, it's glow grew stronger and brighter, and color infused the sky. As I pulled back into home, the cloud cover was all but gone. I felt a deep peace in my soul, and, though I'd heard nothing firm or specific from God, the quiet assurance slowly filled my being, just as the sun had slowly glowed from dim to bright. And then, something better still. As I sat there, basking and soaking as the song ended, I heard the next one begin:
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday
Has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it’s clear
There’s only grace
There’s only love
There’s only mercy
And believe me it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There’s nothing left now
There’s only grace
You’re starting over now
Under the sun
You’re stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun
And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, Get back up
Get back up again
There’s only grace
There’s only love
There’s only mercy
And believe me it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There’s nothing left now
There’s only grace
(Matthew West - Only Grace
From the album History)
As this song played, I literally felt something in me BREAK. HARD. And I began to weep so deeply I could hardly breathe. It literally felt as though a physically, tangibly lighter heart, lungs and ribcage were placed in me. It was like there had been a huge compression of all these organs, and I was quite truly trying to breathe again with my new organs. I took deeper breaths than I new I could. And I sat there, under the sun, I felt peace.
As women, we are especially especially targeted by such attacks. Notice, in the garden, the serpent went to Eve first. There is something deeply inherent in what a woman is and is designed to be that makes Satan's eyes fall on her first. It is something I will explore more in my book, but I wanted to point out here that, we must be more aware of Satan's workings, "in order that NO advantage be taken of us." In that moment when I began to realize the Truth behind my situation, indignation rose up in me. When I realized that the issue of my wrongdoing/ conseuqences was secondary to Satan's attempts to come between me and God, it snapped me out of my fear and into a holy anger. The eyes of my mind turned on him, and I said, "HOW DARE YOU. I WILL LET NOTHING COME BETWEEN ME AND MY GOD." And we need to be on the watch, on the alert for these situations in which he will take Biblical truths, and the facts of our own actions and wile them against us and against God. We must always press in closer to God, beyond our feelings, and let Him speak into our situations. The one thing that was different this morning as I was first thinking about my situation, was that I realized I hadn't actually asked God to tell me what He thought. I had just been trying to figure it out for myself - essentially trusting in the wisdom of man - and Satan saw an immediate "in" and took it.
Now I'm going to go rest with my God.
But I've always wondered why I love mysteries so much. I mean, is there any spiritual significance to enjoying solving puzzles? Even though I am a HUGE proponent of finding Truth in Story, for a long time I could not really figure out what Truth the mystery genre held. Romance is easy: the Bible is a deeply romantic story. Action/Adventure are also easy - these are generally the male equivalent of Romance. Drama is easy - it, by its very nature, deals with humanity's greatest struggles and themes, which are inseparable from God. Even Comedy is easy, because a comedy is always a lighter version of any - sometimes all - of the previous genres. But Mystery/Suspense/Horror/Thriller - what deep Truth do these convey?
That there is more to this world than we can see. That things are not always what they seem.
My favorite quote from The Usual Suspects confirms this: "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he does not exist." In fact, if you consider the truth of this statement, the Truth that the Mystery genre tells us is almost - not quite, but almost - more important than the Truths that the other genres communicate. Much of mainstream Christianity has become victim to the deadly slumber-inducing drug that Satan slowly fed us in this modern, rational, scientific age: Satan, though Christianity acknowledges his existence, fails to take him seriously enough. As a backlash to the ignorant and fear-driven days of the Middle Ages when many natural things were attributed to Satan and his demons, in our modern age the pendulum has swung the other way. We often fail to recognize his handiwork, and as a result, live in more bondage than is necessary - especially Christians.
Just today - just this morning, the very moment before I sat down to write this - this was made exceptionally clear to me. Without going into all the details which would require an entire other post itself, I was living under the burden of some very heavy condemnation. It was not a big issue, but the thing that made it so heavy was that I failed to realize that it was an attack designed to drive a wedge between me and God. I was experiencing what I believed to be some disciplinary action from God. And because of my implicit and deep trust in Him, I submitted to it without question. However, a great fear hung over me in regard to the impending consequences. I knew I had done wrong, and was not asking to be excused from the consequences, yet I knew they would bring greater trial, and I had already repented deeply. So I felt a need to ask for grace and mercy, yet, because I believed this was from God, I did not feel that I could ask for such a thing. Or rather, I could, but I felt that I had no right to - I felt I needed to submit quietly and faithfully, because while God forgives, oftentimes we still need to experience the consequences of our actions. Yet I was afraid that they would be more than I could bear. But I also knew that He would give me the grace to go through whatever path He took me down. Yet, I still had fear, and no peace. That should have been my biggest clue.
Genesis says the serpent was the most subtle of all the creatures in the garden, and it is true. The genius of his attacks is that he often tells us truths. In everything I said above, if you analyzed each point individually, you would find that they were all true: I had done wrong, I had repented, God had given me forgiveness, but I still needed to experience the consequences of my actions, for that is how we learn. Yes, sometimes God gives grace, but that is the discretion of God, which is why I felt that I could ask, but I wanted to be ready to submit to whatever His choice was - and not expect to be let off.
You see, though, the one fact that I took for granted and did not analyze until this morning was this: I was assuming that I was correct that the entire point of this situation was disciplinary action from God. Yes, He was using it prune and grow me, but that does not automatically mean that it was from Him. As soon as this occurred to me, I thought the next logical possibility: could it be an attack from Satan? If so, why? It seems a small, menial thing on which for him to focus his attention. Perhaps my trying to attribute it to him was just an attempt to escape responsibility. Yet at the same time, I did not want to be "ignorant of his schemes", in order that he might "take advantage" of me. (2 Cor. 2:11) As I began to pray for discernment, I pondered what Satan was gaining by this if it was from him. And then it hit me - my fear, and lack of peace! For the past month, I had been unable to feel God's love and grace in this issue, and was feeling on wobbly ground as to His opinion of me - I knew, of course that He loved me and accepted me unconditionally. But I was putting a lot of condemnation on myself, and I could not hear Him disagreeing with it. (Notice I did not say that He was not disagreeing, I said I COULD NOT HEAR Him disagreeing.) And so, I began to doubt Him in some respects, and was not able to rest in Him. THAT WAS SATAN'S GOAL: to drive a wedge between me and God. And he had very nearly accomplished it. I was trying very hard not to agree with the condemnation I felt, but I could find no alternative to agree with in its place. And this lurking sense of condemnation in me was affecting everything else in my life - small misunderstandings with my husband caused me to feel much more at fault, and him to feel much more insensitive of my feelings. It was not driving a wedge between us yet, but if that condemnation was allowed to grow, it would have. YET ANOTHER GOAL OF SATAN. As I said before though, my biggest clue was my emotions. Disciplinary action from God, while we may have to go through the consequences, will never result in continuous feelings of condemnation, guilt, fear, and peacelessness.
I was nearly certain now that this was an attack from Satan. I asked God to give me eyes to see clearly on this issue, for I still wanted to be careful to not avoid responsibility. And then on the radio came a song - "God, my God, I cry out. Your beloved needs you now. ... I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb. I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside. I will lift my eyes to the Caller of the oceans raging wild. I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes, to You." As this beautiful song played, the sun began to burn and to glow through the morning cloud covering. As I sang along in faith and praised, it's glow grew stronger and brighter, and color infused the sky. As I pulled back into home, the cloud cover was all but gone. I felt a deep peace in my soul, and, though I'd heard nothing firm or specific from God, the quiet assurance slowly filled my being, just as the sun had slowly glowed from dim to bright. And then, something better still. As I sat there, basking and soaking as the song ended, I heard the next one begin:
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday
Has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it’s clear
There’s only grace
There’s only love
There’s only mercy
And believe me it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There’s nothing left now
There’s only grace
You’re starting over now
Under the sun
You’re stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun
And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, Get back up
Get back up again
There’s only grace
There’s only love
There’s only mercy
And believe me it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There’s nothing left now
There’s only grace
(Matthew West - Only Grace
From the album History)
As this song played, I literally felt something in me BREAK. HARD. And I began to weep so deeply I could hardly breathe. It literally felt as though a physically, tangibly lighter heart, lungs and ribcage were placed in me. It was like there had been a huge compression of all these organs, and I was quite truly trying to breathe again with my new organs. I took deeper breaths than I new I could. And I sat there, under the sun, I felt peace.
As women, we are especially especially targeted by such attacks. Notice, in the garden, the serpent went to Eve first. There is something deeply inherent in what a woman is and is designed to be that makes Satan's eyes fall on her first. It is something I will explore more in my book, but I wanted to point out here that, we must be more aware of Satan's workings, "in order that NO advantage be taken of us." In that moment when I began to realize the Truth behind my situation, indignation rose up in me. When I realized that the issue of my wrongdoing/ conseuqences was secondary to Satan's attempts to come between me and God, it snapped me out of my fear and into a holy anger. The eyes of my mind turned on him, and I said, "HOW DARE YOU. I WILL LET NOTHING COME BETWEEN ME AND MY GOD." And we need to be on the watch, on the alert for these situations in which he will take Biblical truths, and the facts of our own actions and wile them against us and against God. We must always press in closer to God, beyond our feelings, and let Him speak into our situations. The one thing that was different this morning as I was first thinking about my situation, was that I realized I hadn't actually asked God to tell me what He thought. I had just been trying to figure it out for myself - essentially trusting in the wisdom of man - and Satan saw an immediate "in" and took it.
Now I'm going to go rest with my God.