In Defense of Perfectionism
Soooo... I changed my layout! While I absolutely LOVED the beautiful, magical-looking/feeling feather-pen with rainbow ink, the overall layout was constrictive to me visually/mentally. Aaaand, as I eventually hope for this blog to be somewhat of a personal window into my personality for my readers, I wanted it to be a bit more... professional. Well, my attempts on that have taken me on a two-day long bunny trail.
I couldn't find what I wanted in LJ's layouts for freebie users. The one I was currently using was the closest. And let me say, if I'm going to pick based on layout and theme, I can end up getting fairly picky - okay, really picky. (See, previously I just picked based on theme. And then the layout got to me.) So anyway, I thought, "Well, I'll just search online for free LJ layouts. There's gotta be something." Negatory. Lots of nice stuff, but layout-wise, I just couldn't find exactly what I wanted. So, the do-it-yourself-er in me started itching... especially since I already have XHTML/CSS knowlegde. So I started looking on LJ and the web on how to create LJ layouts. Give me a basic skeleton, people, and I can take it from there. No such luck. I kept seeing references for how-to's for paid account users. Grrr! So that threw me back to looking for pre-made freebies. Which started giving me the itch again. Which gave me paid account user tips. Which threw me to freebies. Which gave me the itch...
So, my broke self caved in and checked out prices for paid accounts. Pleasantly surprised at the info I stumbled upon, my poor self is now $5 poorer, but uped in status to a paid user! Glory be! Now I can design my own! Sooo anyway, of course now I'm headlong into the journey of actually learning the LJ layout skeleton, so I can start tweaking it for myself. I'm sure it'll be a couple days' work, at least. But I'm pretty stoked.
Anyway, all this got me thinking about obsession/pickiness/perfectionism. I have been called a perfectionist by many, and oftentimes have called myself such. However, I hate the stereotype this brings to mind. Usually this term conjures up control-freaks who not only live their own lives by their scheduler & task manager, but try to get everyone else to do so as well. They are not very laid back, and they freak out if the slightest thing does not go according to plan. As any who were with me the night before my wedding will attest, this is NOT me. I consider myself a very laid-back and easygoing kinda gal. But, there is something inside me that also notices, for example, that I just spelled "kind of" the colloquial way. Now, I did it intentionally for style/tone of voice, but my head still knows it's not "proper". So maybe I'm just a well-adjusted perfectionist who's learned to quell the less-socially-acceptable forms of my disposition? I think that is it in part, but I also think there's more to it.
A friend of mine back in college had a self-help book (can't remember the title - I always mix it up with another book she had) that had a table outlining the difference between perfectionism and what the author termed as a pursuit of excellence. I will sum it up in my own words. A perfectionist is one who tries to make everything - house, rooms, schedules, projects - be without any faults. Their underlying emotion is a desire to do well, but this desire stems from a fear of failure/being judged/being found wanting/etc. This is why sometimes a perfectionist will not be easily recognizable - one with a messy desk who, if they knew they could keep it perfectly organized in keeping with their perfect standards, would do so all the time. But because they set standards too high even for themselves, they sometimes will just not even try to meet them, and thereby avoid direct feelings of self-judgement. However, they still must contend with the indirect ones for not even trying. So they become a defeated perfectionist. They are less easy to recognize. This is not the same as laziness, because laziness deals with lack of motivation/lack of caring about a particular virtue. But defeated perfectionism deals with a fear of the outcome (or lack thereof).
One who pursues excellence, however, tries to make everything be the best it possibly can given time/circumstance/resources/etc. This person's underlying emotion is also a desire to do well, but it does not have that underlying fear of judgement/failure. This person is confident that if they have truly given it their best, that is what counts. They are aware that their best may not always be good enough or measure up, but that does not mean that they personally are a failure. It just means that whatever they tried was not their forte. But at least they put their best efforts into it - that should always be a source of pride.
Unfortunately, many of us fall into the first category. In things like academics, learning web design, etc, I know these are my fortes, so in those areas of my life, I fortunately fall into the second category. I am confident in my abilities to do these things well - if I put forth my best efforts - and this knowledge can often throw me into hot pursuit (i.e. my LJ layouts bunnytrailing). :) Sometimes, I will run into the artistic/nutty professor syndrome, and become so obsessed in my pursuit that I will ignore time limitations... which is another topic of dysfunction altogether. ;-) However, I must say in my own defense, that in my two days of pursuit of this LJ layouts thing, I still landed two job interviews, and stirred up action on 3 more job leads (as well as confirming the end of two other leads). Plus, I helped my husband run several errands and took him to and from his work (since my car is our only vehicle at the moment). So at least I was mostly curbing my inner mad scientist compulsions. ;-)
Back to that first category, though. The central issue for perfectionists & defeated perfectionists is fearfulness - which is the flip side of a lack of confidence. When we are usure if we'll be good at something (or worse, when we're certain we'll be terrible at it - which may or may not be true, by the way), it's very, very difficult to have any sort of confidence about our ability to perform well. This just feeds the fear of failure, which feeds the perfectionism. The funny thing about confidence, though, is that you can't get it if you don't try. It is built up only by successful attempts. There's one of those pesky, performance-driven words that are the bane of perfectionists: success. A distorted perception of success is the other issue at the root of a perfectionist's cyclical torture. Too-high standards combined with too-low confidence/a fear of failure and what do you get? One stressed-out, freaked-out human being. As a woman - and as a writer (there's that artistic/mad scientist gene again) - I am prone to this particular combination. But, as Tyra has said several times over on ANTM, "If you don't have the confidence, fake it 'till you do." Easier said than done, but when it is done, it does help. And one of the best ways to force fake confidence is to accept that you have fears (don't deny them, that'll bite you later on), but put them in their place: a corner of your mind where they're not allowed to have your attention. Essentially, they get a time-out. And then, take yourself less seriously, allow for mistakes, be able to laugh at yourself, and give it your all. You'll get better, and as you do, the fears will demand less and less of your attention.
I guess what I - and any other perfectionists - need to realize is the beauty of perfectionism... when it's set in the context of a pursuit of excellence. The desire that is at the root of both of these perspectives is a good thing. If you're a perfectionist, you should rejoice in your desire for excellence - where would the world be if people never pursued excellent solutions, but just stopped at "good enough"? However, we must also realize that this desire can be crippled by our fears and our twisted perceptions of excellence. We need to cherish the desire for excellence and put it under the best conditions for growth - hard work, humility, grace, laughter, and belief in ourselves.
I couldn't find what I wanted in LJ's layouts for freebie users. The one I was currently using was the closest. And let me say, if I'm going to pick based on layout and theme, I can end up getting fairly picky - okay, really picky. (See, previously I just picked based on theme. And then the layout got to me.) So anyway, I thought, "Well, I'll just search online for free LJ layouts. There's gotta be something." Negatory. Lots of nice stuff, but layout-wise, I just couldn't find exactly what I wanted. So, the do-it-yourself-er in me started itching... especially since I already have XHTML/CSS knowlegde. So I started looking on LJ and the web on how to create LJ layouts. Give me a basic skeleton, people, and I can take it from there. No such luck. I kept seeing references for how-to's for paid account users. Grrr! So that threw me back to looking for pre-made freebies. Which started giving me the itch again. Which gave me paid account user tips. Which threw me to freebies. Which gave me the itch...
So, my broke self caved in and checked out prices for paid accounts. Pleasantly surprised at the info I stumbled upon, my poor self is now $5 poorer, but uped in status to a paid user! Glory be! Now I can design my own! Sooo anyway, of course now I'm headlong into the journey of actually learning the LJ layout skeleton, so I can start tweaking it for myself. I'm sure it'll be a couple days' work, at least. But I'm pretty stoked.
Anyway, all this got me thinking about obsession/pickiness/perfectionism. I have been called a perfectionist by many, and oftentimes have called myself such. However, I hate the stereotype this brings to mind. Usually this term conjures up control-freaks who not only live their own lives by their scheduler & task manager, but try to get everyone else to do so as well. They are not very laid back, and they freak out if the slightest thing does not go according to plan. As any who were with me the night before my wedding will attest, this is NOT me. I consider myself a very laid-back and easygoing kinda gal. But, there is something inside me that also notices, for example, that I just spelled "kind of" the colloquial way. Now, I did it intentionally for style/tone of voice, but my head still knows it's not "proper". So maybe I'm just a well-adjusted perfectionist who's learned to quell the less-socially-acceptable forms of my disposition? I think that is it in part, but I also think there's more to it.
A friend of mine back in college had a self-help book (can't remember the title - I always mix it up with another book she had) that had a table outlining the difference between perfectionism and what the author termed as a pursuit of excellence. I will sum it up in my own words. A perfectionist is one who tries to make everything - house, rooms, schedules, projects - be without any faults. Their underlying emotion is a desire to do well, but this desire stems from a fear of failure/being judged/being found wanting/etc. This is why sometimes a perfectionist will not be easily recognizable - one with a messy desk who, if they knew they could keep it perfectly organized in keeping with their perfect standards, would do so all the time. But because they set standards too high even for themselves, they sometimes will just not even try to meet them, and thereby avoid direct feelings of self-judgement. However, they still must contend with the indirect ones for not even trying. So they become a defeated perfectionist. They are less easy to recognize. This is not the same as laziness, because laziness deals with lack of motivation/lack of caring about a particular virtue. But defeated perfectionism deals with a fear of the outcome (or lack thereof).
One who pursues excellence, however, tries to make everything be the best it possibly can given time/circumstance/resources/etc. This person's underlying emotion is also a desire to do well, but it does not have that underlying fear of judgement/failure. This person is confident that if they have truly given it their best, that is what counts. They are aware that their best may not always be good enough or measure up, but that does not mean that they personally are a failure. It just means that whatever they tried was not their forte. But at least they put their best efforts into it - that should always be a source of pride.
Unfortunately, many of us fall into the first category. In things like academics, learning web design, etc, I know these are my fortes, so in those areas of my life, I fortunately fall into the second category. I am confident in my abilities to do these things well - if I put forth my best efforts - and this knowledge can often throw me into hot pursuit (i.e. my LJ layouts bunnytrailing). :) Sometimes, I will run into the artistic/nutty professor syndrome, and become so obsessed in my pursuit that I will ignore time limitations... which is another topic of dysfunction altogether. ;-) However, I must say in my own defense, that in my two days of pursuit of this LJ layouts thing, I still landed two job interviews, and stirred up action on 3 more job leads (as well as confirming the end of two other leads). Plus, I helped my husband run several errands and took him to and from his work (since my car is our only vehicle at the moment). So at least I was mostly curbing my inner mad scientist compulsions. ;-)
Back to that first category, though. The central issue for perfectionists & defeated perfectionists is fearfulness - which is the flip side of a lack of confidence. When we are usure if we'll be good at something (or worse, when we're certain we'll be terrible at it - which may or may not be true, by the way), it's very, very difficult to have any sort of confidence about our ability to perform well. This just feeds the fear of failure, which feeds the perfectionism. The funny thing about confidence, though, is that you can't get it if you don't try. It is built up only by successful attempts. There's one of those pesky, performance-driven words that are the bane of perfectionists: success. A distorted perception of success is the other issue at the root of a perfectionist's cyclical torture. Too-high standards combined with too-low confidence/a fear of failure and what do you get? One stressed-out, freaked-out human being. As a woman - and as a writer (there's that artistic/mad scientist gene again) - I am prone to this particular combination. But, as Tyra has said several times over on ANTM, "If you don't have the confidence, fake it 'till you do." Easier said than done, but when it is done, it does help. And one of the best ways to force fake confidence is to accept that you have fears (don't deny them, that'll bite you later on), but put them in their place: a corner of your mind where they're not allowed to have your attention. Essentially, they get a time-out. And then, take yourself less seriously, allow for mistakes, be able to laugh at yourself, and give it your all. You'll get better, and as you do, the fears will demand less and less of your attention.
I guess what I - and any other perfectionists - need to realize is the beauty of perfectionism... when it's set in the context of a pursuit of excellence. The desire that is at the root of both of these perspectives is a good thing. If you're a perfectionist, you should rejoice in your desire for excellence - where would the world be if people never pursued excellent solutions, but just stopped at "good enough"? However, we must also realize that this desire can be crippled by our fears and our twisted perceptions of excellence. We need to cherish the desire for excellence and put it under the best conditions for growth - hard work, humility, grace, laughter, and belief in ourselves.