Who knows
I don't feel very...vibrant today as I have been feeling. Actually I feel like a nice pile of crap. Probably just my monthly depression, but...last night's events didn't help either. *shakes head*
Throughout this LJ there is drama...and change. I read on Amberjade's LJ about the difference between growth and change...it made alot of sense, and I actually think I was one of the people who needed to see it. There's alot going on in my head, and my life right now. I kind of zone myself out of it, so I don't have to think about it, because I don't want to have to be responsible yet. Not yet. I'm not ready for it yet, and I know it. It's scaring me.
I'm just worried, I'll mess up somewhere down the road, and it'll be a mistake I won't be able to cure or fix. I already have one of those mistakes, and I know it's going to cost me alot of things for the rest of my life, which sucks. But mistakes are made and consequences are to be lived with.
I've been feeling very lonely...and....overlooked lately. As I was telling Eric when we were sitting in Alison's car, looking at the stars...I feel like I'm losing my friends. Now I know I'm not, so none of you losers take any offense to that :p it just feels that way because....well, Alison's getting married...eventually, and if not soon, I rarely get to see her because she's ALWAYS with Rich. Don't get me wrong, I love her being happy and having someone to make her smile and feel beautiful or whatever it is, but...I miss the 'us' now it's Lisa, Alison AND Rich. I miss the good old days when all of us were single...we never had to feel left out or...overlooked. We were all in the same boat. Now, I'm not complaining about being alone...not at all, that was a previous post...or will be a later one, but right now...I'm complaining about my feeling of a lack of connection to my friends. I don't feel like I'm with them enough. If I had a car, it'd be easier, cuz I could just be like, I'm coming over, be ready. Or something, but I can't. I rarely see Sharon, and now that school's out...I'll see her even less. Sharon, don't be upset by this, it's just something i needed to get out. I went to the movies with her the other day...I thought it was just gonna be me, her and her sister, because that's what she said. I didn't realize that Adam was going to be meeting us up there. I know she loves him and loves to be with him...but the same thing with Alison...I want my own time with them. And Heather...she's getting married. I get more time with her, yes, because Derek isn't always here, but...I'm just...losing my connection with people. I feel so lost and disconneted to EVERYONE. I don't feel like I'm...on the same level..or 'cloud' as everyone else. I'm missing out on something. They all have this....game and I'm not playing, though I want to be. And it's not just a boyfriend or whatever that I'm missing, it's something else. Or maybe..something I have that they don't that makes me different.
I hate the mistakes I've made and the prices they've cost me, but that's what I get. I just feel so alone, not because of my lack of boyfriend...usually that would be the first thing my mind jumped to, but...I know it's something else. There's something more to this feeling than just a lack of arms to run to. I don't know what it is, but it's really starting to hurt me. It's really starting to break me down, down into what? I haven't gotten that far yet, but I hope I figure it out before it destroys me completely.
Throughout this LJ there is drama...and change. I read on Amberjade's LJ about the difference between growth and change...it made alot of sense, and I actually think I was one of the people who needed to see it. There's alot going on in my head, and my life right now. I kind of zone myself out of it, so I don't have to think about it, because I don't want to have to be responsible yet. Not yet. I'm not ready for it yet, and I know it. It's scaring me.
I'm just worried, I'll mess up somewhere down the road, and it'll be a mistake I won't be able to cure or fix. I already have one of those mistakes, and I know it's going to cost me alot of things for the rest of my life, which sucks. But mistakes are made and consequences are to be lived with.
I've been feeling very lonely...and....overlooked lately. As I was telling Eric when we were sitting in Alison's car, looking at the stars...I feel like I'm losing my friends. Now I know I'm not, so none of you losers take any offense to that :p it just feels that way because....well, Alison's getting married...eventually, and if not soon, I rarely get to see her because she's ALWAYS with Rich. Don't get me wrong, I love her being happy and having someone to make her smile and feel beautiful or whatever it is, but...I miss the 'us' now it's Lisa, Alison AND Rich. I miss the good old days when all of us were single...we never had to feel left out or...overlooked. We were all in the same boat. Now, I'm not complaining about being alone...not at all, that was a previous post...or will be a later one, but right now...I'm complaining about my feeling of a lack of connection to my friends. I don't feel like I'm with them enough. If I had a car, it'd be easier, cuz I could just be like, I'm coming over, be ready. Or something, but I can't. I rarely see Sharon, and now that school's out...I'll see her even less. Sharon, don't be upset by this, it's just something i needed to get out. I went to the movies with her the other day...I thought it was just gonna be me, her and her sister, because that's what she said. I didn't realize that Adam was going to be meeting us up there. I know she loves him and loves to be with him...but the same thing with Alison...I want my own time with them. And Heather...she's getting married. I get more time with her, yes, because Derek isn't always here, but...I'm just...losing my connection with people. I feel so lost and disconneted to EVERYONE. I don't feel like I'm...on the same level..or 'cloud' as everyone else. I'm missing out on something. They all have this....game and I'm not playing, though I want to be. And it's not just a boyfriend or whatever that I'm missing, it's something else. Or maybe..something I have that they don't that makes me different.
I hate the mistakes I've made and the prices they've cost me, but that's what I get. I just feel so alone, not because of my lack of boyfriend...usually that would be the first thing my mind jumped to, but...I know it's something else. There's something more to this feeling than just a lack of arms to run to. I don't know what it is, but it's really starting to hurt me. It's really starting to break me down, down into what? I haven't gotten that far yet, but I hope I figure it out before it destroys me completely.