I truly am the ultimate paradox...
Or maybe I just constantly want what I can't have?
To the majority of society I probably have as close to an ideal life as possible: married to an engineer who provides more then enough income to live on & still stay at home with our beautiful, healthy daughter (& animals), very low debt, family (minus a certain father but including in laws) not only get along but actually enjoy each others company, live in FL where it's generally bright & sunny and all you have to worry about is the tourists....but I'm not satisfied. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my life with all my being but I feel like ther should be more to it....
On one hand I have an intelligent loving husband who provides well for the whole family so I don't have to worry about anything and can enjoy the precious few early years of my child(ren)'s lives now & in the future AND I know how lucky I am for that BUT on the other hand I don't like relying on him for everything, I don't like feeling almost guilty spending our money on anything besides neccessities (so I compensate with coupons & sales), I don't like feeling like I took the easy way of adulthood & responsibility when heavens knows I haven't, I don't like thinking that it's "his" money when I know it's "our" money and I really don't like feeling guilty for wanting material things (like a non-quirky car, or a house that I can do what I want to & not call the landlord everytime something else falls apart & wait for him to fix it) when I know I have everything I need an it's a lot more then a lot of other people have. So in summation I like having a husband who takes care of me but i want to provide for myself too
On one hand I am unbelievably lucky to have a beautiful, healthy, sweet & smart little girl and be able to stay at home with her all day watching her grow, develop & learn. I love knowing that she is far better off here with me then with 10-12 other infants in some daycare. I love being their for her first smile, her first coo & laugh, finally figuring out how to turn the dial & make the music go on her jumperoo, eating her first "solid" foods etc... BUT on the other hand I hate feeling almost trapped, like she's holding me back somehow. I can't go anywhere or do anything without her & her neccessities, I have to go by her internal schedule & any attempt of mine to impose order & routine is in vain. I don't truly get a break when John comes home either because he's exhausted from the day anyways and doesn't have the patience for her if she's not content & happy, besides then it's less then 2 hrs till bath/story/ feed/ bed anyways. I feel my intelligence slipping away, not in a being around stupid people too long kind of way, but in a not being stimulated kind of way. I used to think intelligently & analyze all kinds of issues & topics, I used to write decent entries of theories, ideas, speculations and not just navel gazing. I down-right refuse to writ entries along the lines of "first I woke up and did the dishes, then showered to go to the grocery store..." because no one else wants to read that & why would I want to preserve that! I used to have real conversations with the people on my friends list and have an exchange of ideas and most importantly truly felt like they were my friends/ peers/ comrades. I don't feel like I know anyone I once considered a friend anymore, some I fear are gone for good (due to faults on both sides) others I hope are salvagable but I don't know how. And I don't know how I can regain my sense of intelligence either...I just don't get the intellectual stimulation because I'm either conversing with a dog, 4 mth old or cat most of the time (& yes I do have conversations with all three) and when I do have other adults to talk to it's still not satisfactory. And then when I have time to read or watch something "deep" I just don't have the energy for it, at these times I much rather curl up with Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings then a history of England or the applications of Calculus, or watch TLC or FOOD instead of DISC or Health. The attempts I've made to involve myself in an "intelligent" pursuit lately have failed because I just can't hold my attention to it any longer. So I want to keep Erin stimulated & developing but I want to explore & learn on my own too.
I truly want to stay home while any kids I have are young but will I do when that time is up? My degree is essientially worthless for what I want to do thanks to it not being accredited in that field. So do I go back for another bachelors so I can't even get into 99% of graduate programs with it or do I stay in the degree area just to advance to a Master's? I feel like going for another bachelors (or professional certification) is a step backwards that the first one was all a sham. Of course I feel like I'm already wasting the first bachelors which is probably the root of the problem anyways. I love Auburn & would always stay loyal to it if I could but I simply can't do what I want there. If I get another bachelors then I'll be in the right field & doing what I enjoy . But even if I do that, how? The accredited programs are few and far between the nearest is Birmingham, AL (or Atlanta, GA) which is difficult to say the leasy from 4-5 hrs away. Then if I do miraculously find a program near where we are at the time there's the issue of paying for it when I already have student loans to contend with. But in order to fulfill my deepest (professional) desire & be commissioned into the Public Health Corps, I have to either get another bachelors or stay in my degree field to get a masters. But then that's only if we're close to a position in the first place, that won't interfere with John's job and when the kids will be in school. So I might as well give up on those right here and now & just concentrate on getting John his Masters & a position where he has real work to do that will make him happy. I just wish I knew how to feel like the intelligent woman of my past and still have everything I have now because I don't want to give that up either.
I want to be out actually doing something, seeking new & interesting opportunties & I get so (internally) mad at John because he just sits & waits for things to happen/ to see where things lead themselves which means (to my mind) a lot of things slip past -- It's almost like he takes nothing for granted but doesn't value anything enough to fight either. I think the Air Force (& DOD itself) is shooting itself in the foot right now but I still think he allowed himself to be force shaped because from my angle he put up no fight at all. He'll say nothing could be done, it was all decided to be mostly (in our area) 46th squadron anyways yada, yada when it reality he could've have talked to people, he could've made himself known, hell he could've have called on a Brig. Gen for help but nooo...Why?...he says that would've looked bad, it would've been weasling, unethical & he would'nt really deserved to be kept...and there is some truth to that but even I know that the connections & calling in favors makes the world go around. NO one gets where they are in life w/o some kind of help, except those of course who are too proud & remain stagnant. So then he says well I still do reserves but allows himself be scared from that quickly by being told *& not by people in charge of such things) that there are no opportunties for engineers in reserves and it would reflect poorly on his civilian job anyways...and would he actually to those in charge, NOOO of course not. Then he wants to do Civil Service but no openings immediately come up & the few that do, no one *else* pushes for him in that position so they fall to the wayside. - Now I'm thinking let me get this straight the same men who wouldn't accept help to keep his commission, expects other people to fight & push for him in a CS position, explain this to me! In any case he decides, no I don't want to CS anyways there's little room for advancement, lower pay, long time to retirement yada, yada - which I'm sorry to matter he explains it, to me it still sounds like a little boy "I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it so it's stupid anyways". So where is he now? - in what seems (to me) to be a dead end position (as a contractor) with no real work to do waiting for the program to "actually" get going (after a yr now). And again he says he has piles of business cards of contacts but he doesn't want to call on them - what?! And the kicker of it all is that is a GI bill to get a Master's degree with & a company who'll cover what that doesn't and he STILL won't work towards, will not even apply anywhere...but of course he has excuses why not. All these opportunities he just lets slide by when all I have to grasp at are straws and left trying to support in anything but having no earthly clue where we're going.
...oh and I had nothing to say on family (who are great), or our fairly low debt (although it would be nice if it were totally gone) and you all know I feel about FL.
To the majority of society I probably have as close to an ideal life as possible: married to an engineer who provides more then enough income to live on & still stay at home with our beautiful, healthy daughter (& animals), very low debt, family (minus a certain father but including in laws) not only get along but actually enjoy each others company, live in FL where it's generally bright & sunny and all you have to worry about is the tourists....but I'm not satisfied. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my life with all my being but I feel like ther should be more to it....
On one hand I have an intelligent loving husband who provides well for the whole family so I don't have to worry about anything and can enjoy the precious few early years of my child(ren)'s lives now & in the future AND I know how lucky I am for that BUT on the other hand I don't like relying on him for everything, I don't like feeling almost guilty spending our money on anything besides neccessities (so I compensate with coupons & sales), I don't like feeling like I took the easy way of adulthood & responsibility when heavens knows I haven't, I don't like thinking that it's "his" money when I know it's "our" money and I really don't like feeling guilty for wanting material things (like a non-quirky car, or a house that I can do what I want to & not call the landlord everytime something else falls apart & wait for him to fix it) when I know I have everything I need an it's a lot more then a lot of other people have. So in summation I like having a husband who takes care of me but i want to provide for myself too
On one hand I am unbelievably lucky to have a beautiful, healthy, sweet & smart little girl and be able to stay at home with her all day watching her grow, develop & learn. I love knowing that she is far better off here with me then with 10-12 other infants in some daycare. I love being their for her first smile, her first coo & laugh, finally figuring out how to turn the dial & make the music go on her jumperoo, eating her first "solid" foods etc... BUT on the other hand I hate feeling almost trapped, like she's holding me back somehow. I can't go anywhere or do anything without her & her neccessities, I have to go by her internal schedule & any attempt of mine to impose order & routine is in vain. I don't truly get a break when John comes home either because he's exhausted from the day anyways and doesn't have the patience for her if she's not content & happy, besides then it's less then 2 hrs till bath/story/ feed/ bed anyways. I feel my intelligence slipping away, not in a being around stupid people too long kind of way, but in a not being stimulated kind of way. I used to think intelligently & analyze all kinds of issues & topics, I used to write decent entries of theories, ideas, speculations and not just navel gazing. I down-right refuse to writ entries along the lines of "first I woke up and did the dishes, then showered to go to the grocery store..." because no one else wants to read that & why would I want to preserve that! I used to have real conversations with the people on my friends list and have an exchange of ideas and most importantly truly felt like they were my friends/ peers/ comrades. I don't feel like I know anyone I once considered a friend anymore, some I fear are gone for good (due to faults on both sides) others I hope are salvagable but I don't know how. And I don't know how I can regain my sense of intelligence either...I just don't get the intellectual stimulation because I'm either conversing with a dog, 4 mth old or cat most of the time (& yes I do have conversations with all three) and when I do have other adults to talk to it's still not satisfactory. And then when I have time to read or watch something "deep" I just don't have the energy for it, at these times I much rather curl up with Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings then a history of England or the applications of Calculus, or watch TLC or FOOD instead of DISC or Health. The attempts I've made to involve myself in an "intelligent" pursuit lately have failed because I just can't hold my attention to it any longer. So I want to keep Erin stimulated & developing but I want to explore & learn on my own too.
I truly want to stay home while any kids I have are young but will I do when that time is up? My degree is essientially worthless for what I want to do thanks to it not being accredited in that field. So do I go back for another bachelors so I can't even get into 99% of graduate programs with it or do I stay in the degree area just to advance to a Master's? I feel like going for another bachelors (or professional certification) is a step backwards that the first one was all a sham. Of course I feel like I'm already wasting the first bachelors which is probably the root of the problem anyways. I love Auburn & would always stay loyal to it if I could but I simply can't do what I want there. If I get another bachelors then I'll be in the right field & doing what I enjoy . But even if I do that, how? The accredited programs are few and far between the nearest is Birmingham, AL (or Atlanta, GA) which is difficult to say the leasy from 4-5 hrs away. Then if I do miraculously find a program near where we are at the time there's the issue of paying for it when I already have student loans to contend with. But in order to fulfill my deepest (professional) desire & be commissioned into the Public Health Corps, I have to either get another bachelors or stay in my degree field to get a masters. But then that's only if we're close to a position in the first place, that won't interfere with John's job and when the kids will be in school. So I might as well give up on those right here and now & just concentrate on getting John his Masters & a position where he has real work to do that will make him happy. I just wish I knew how to feel like the intelligent woman of my past and still have everything I have now because I don't want to give that up either.
I want to be out actually doing something, seeking new & interesting opportunties & I get so (internally) mad at John because he just sits & waits for things to happen/ to see where things lead themselves which means (to my mind) a lot of things slip past -- It's almost like he takes nothing for granted but doesn't value anything enough to fight either. I think the Air Force (& DOD itself) is shooting itself in the foot right now but I still think he allowed himself to be force shaped because from my angle he put up no fight at all. He'll say nothing could be done, it was all decided to be mostly (in our area) 46th squadron anyways yada, yada when it reality he could've have talked to people, he could've made himself known, hell he could've have called on a Brig. Gen for help but nooo...Why?...he says that would've looked bad, it would've been weasling, unethical & he would'nt really deserved to be kept...and there is some truth to that but even I know that the connections & calling in favors makes the world go around. NO one gets where they are in life w/o some kind of help, except those of course who are too proud & remain stagnant. So then he says well I still do reserves but allows himself be scared from that quickly by being told *& not by people in charge of such things) that there are no opportunties for engineers in reserves and it would reflect poorly on his civilian job anyways...and would he actually to those in charge, NOOO of course not. Then he wants to do Civil Service but no openings immediately come up & the few that do, no one *else* pushes for him in that position so they fall to the wayside. - Now I'm thinking let me get this straight the same men who wouldn't accept help to keep his commission, expects other people to fight & push for him in a CS position, explain this to me! In any case he decides, no I don't want to CS anyways there's little room for advancement, lower pay, long time to retirement yada, yada - which I'm sorry to matter he explains it, to me it still sounds like a little boy "I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it so it's stupid anyways". So where is he now? - in what seems (to me) to be a dead end position (as a contractor) with no real work to do waiting for the program to "actually" get going (after a yr now). And again he says he has piles of business cards of contacts but he doesn't want to call on them - what?! And the kicker of it all is that is a GI bill to get a Master's degree with & a company who'll cover what that doesn't and he STILL won't work towards, will not even apply anywhere...but of course he has excuses why not. All these opportunities he just lets slide by when all I have to grasp at are straws and left trying to support in anything but having no earthly clue where we're going.
...oh and I had nothing to say on family (who are great), or our fairly low debt (although it would be nice if it were totally gone) and you all know I feel about FL.