LJ Idol: What Does Narcissism Have To Do With Me?
I am the one who remembers everything about everything--including what you were wearing the first time we met--but who is so absent-minded I misplace keys and cell phone on a daily basis.
I am the one with the pale blue eyes rimmed in a dark blue. They are the two who sparkle in the sun and illuminate my smile. They are the two who give away my secrets. When I'm sad, they cloud like the sky.
I am the one who opens impossible jars, unties the most impressive knots with strong, long-fingered surgeon's hands. I am the one who keeps their secrets. I tell no one, but will now tell you--they are the two who are slowly being destroyed by my own body. Rheumatoid Arthritis.
I am the one who has forgotten how to speak Spanish. I am the one who has almost forgotten how to speak German, and who loves hearing others speak Finnish. I am the one who loves Finland for its trees and its greenness and its cold, snowy, clouded skies.
I am the one whose rental car tire blew out on the freeway tonight. Blew out with such epic force that the rubber separated from the rim and marked the side of the car with black streaks from the flapping rubber. I am the one who sat on the side of the freeway (and later a gas station after Highway Patrol put on the spare) for almost three hours waiting for a replacement car so I could drive to Virginia.
I am the one who hates her job. Hates travelingtravelingtravelingtraveling. Hates flying to 6 different states in one week. Hates the withering disrespect from the doctors. Hates caring when no one else seems to feels the same. I am the one who loves sitting in the window seats. Loves watching the ground fall away. Loves the shrinking of the world. Loves watching the clouds get closer as we race up to meet the sky.
I am the one who was a college athlete---goalie, water polo. The one who blocked 27 penalty shots in 3 years. I am the one who was envied. For my arms, my legs, my back. For my strength. I am the one who always thought I was fat. The one who never saw my own beauty. I am the one who eats her feelings, eats her job, eats the planes, the flights, the long hours, the stress. The one who eats the doctors who yell at me. I am the one who gained 100 pounds. I am the one I disappoint.
I am the one who stands in fields and watches the world rewind itself. Watches power lines evaporate, buildings deconstruct in stop motion, roads fragment into dirt. Sees the blueness of the sky explode from behind the choking smog. Sees the prairie grass again grow so high I can barely see over it. Watches the world below the grassy canopy erupt with bugs and spiders, and grouse and mice, and tiny flowers and spindles of life. Feels the wild wind capture strands of my hair and fling them from my face. Feels the earth rumble as the bison gallop and stampede in ever swelling numbers, their massive heads and powerful necks surging forward on skinny legs, and their tiny hooves cleave the ground, and trample me to dust.
I am the one who floats in the wind, back to the sky.
I am the one with the pale blue eyes rimmed in a dark blue. They are the two who sparkle in the sun and illuminate my smile. They are the two who give away my secrets. When I'm sad, they cloud like the sky.
I am the one who opens impossible jars, unties the most impressive knots with strong, long-fingered surgeon's hands. I am the one who keeps their secrets. I tell no one, but will now tell you--they are the two who are slowly being destroyed by my own body. Rheumatoid Arthritis.
I am the one who has forgotten how to speak Spanish. I am the one who has almost forgotten how to speak German, and who loves hearing others speak Finnish. I am the one who loves Finland for its trees and its greenness and its cold, snowy, clouded skies.
I am the one whose rental car tire blew out on the freeway tonight. Blew out with such epic force that the rubber separated from the rim and marked the side of the car with black streaks from the flapping rubber. I am the one who sat on the side of the freeway (and later a gas station after Highway Patrol put on the spare) for almost three hours waiting for a replacement car so I could drive to Virginia.
I am the one who hates her job. Hates travelingtravelingtravelingtraveling. Hates flying to 6 different states in one week. Hates the withering disrespect from the doctors. Hates caring when no one else seems to feels the same. I am the one who loves sitting in the window seats. Loves watching the ground fall away. Loves the shrinking of the world. Loves watching the clouds get closer as we race up to meet the sky.
I am the one who was a college athlete---goalie, water polo. The one who blocked 27 penalty shots in 3 years. I am the one who was envied. For my arms, my legs, my back. For my strength. I am the one who always thought I was fat. The one who never saw my own beauty. I am the one who eats her feelings, eats her job, eats the planes, the flights, the long hours, the stress. The one who eats the doctors who yell at me. I am the one who gained 100 pounds. I am the one I disappoint.
I am the one who stands in fields and watches the world rewind itself. Watches power lines evaporate, buildings deconstruct in stop motion, roads fragment into dirt. Sees the blueness of the sky explode from behind the choking smog. Sees the prairie grass again grow so high I can barely see over it. Watches the world below the grassy canopy erupt with bugs and spiders, and grouse and mice, and tiny flowers and spindles of life. Feels the wild wind capture strands of my hair and fling them from my face. Feels the earth rumble as the bison gallop and stampede in ever swelling numbers, their massive heads and powerful necks surging forward on skinny legs, and their tiny hooves cleave the ground, and trample me to dust.
I am the one who floats in the wind, back to the sky.