Disappointments
I had two internships pre-college and I worked during my last three years of college. Sometimes I almost feel like these jobs ruined me for all my future jobs. Why? My bosses loved me. I was a resource for other people, my ideas were valued and my suggestions were taken seriously. I was allowed to train people because I did such a great job. People I trained trusted me and I trained some really great people to follow in my path of awesomeness. I was allowed to manage other people. I was valued by my peers, people thought I was smart and engaging. They thought I was a hard worker. And I was. And I am. But fuck. Post college I have not had any sort of comparable experience. In fact, I have felt completely remedial at all of my other jobs following.
Now I get to watch other people be the amazing worker. I get to watch their ideas and trainings and hard work get valued while I am the shit others wipe off the bottom of their shoe with a snarl.
I think back to BCPO Ferm and how everyone had a total boner for Jared. No one else could come close to Mr Perfection. Then I was relegated to the cell culture room. Not only did it have significantly less work than the bacterial side of the ops, but I was told "No, I don't want you learning the Bact side of things. I want you to be our cell culture expert" by my boss. So I stayed in that room with nothing to do. And all my cowokers got pissed at me and said I didn't do any work. And that I was lazy and how they did all the work. Especially stupid David Grey. So I quit. And transferred.
To BA. Where my boss pretty much made me feel like a stupid asshole every day. I site this entry and this entry as evidence of a 'day in the life of Erin' during my year and a half in BA.
Now this job. God, I'm so sick of everything. I hate that as a CRA-I, I was given way too many sites, way too many sites that were high enrolling, and way too many problem sites. I don't even know how I succeeded. I was completely set up to fail and managed to pull through. But of course, no one recognizes the actual struggle and no one has really reflected on HOW FUCKING FAR I have come as a monitor. No one else in their first year as a CRA caught a site falsifying data. No one else had a PI who didn't look at his adverse events and who didn't submit a Serious Adverse Event to the sponsor. No one else was called a bitch by 5 of her sites because she actually made them to their jobs properly. No one else had a Doctor, his Study Coordinator, and some fucking secretary bitch named Maricore write letters about how unprofessional, bitchy, and stupid I was. All because I made him do his job and his stupid study coordinator was a shady bastard.
But because of that stupid doctor, and the doctor who tattle-told on me for being a bitch because I caught his study coordinator falsifying data, and because all my San Diego sites requested my removal from their sites I was totally blackballed. Plus with all the shit going on, there was no way for me to keep up on my work. So I had the not best metrics. And I was passed up for a promotion in favor of Barbara (we were hired at the same time, went to the same training class, put on the same project under the same boss), who is a much poorer monitor than I am. I have been doing Senior CRA work for the past year now. But I am still doing remedial tasks. I have no other responsibilities. My brain has no challenges to keep it engaged.
So I finally thought, I should stop sitting back and I should take my career into my own hands like Kelly (current golden child) does. So I put in to be transferred to a Medical Writing position. And didn't get it. Then I put in to transfer to the Central Region to be closer to family. And I haven't heard hide nor hair about that opportunity.
So I asked my manager if I could be a mentor for the CRA-I onboarding program. I argued that I went through so much as CRA-I that I could be a really useful resource. I also told her that I did significant training at my other jobs.
But there is a waiting list to become a mentor.
So I asked about becoming signed off on AFVs...and that program is on hold, so again no. I was told I could be a CASCADE buddy, which was the one thing I did not want to do. Now I feel forced into being a CASCADE buddy because it's the ONLY option for me to advance beyond my current role. But I don't want to do it.
Then I told her I felt I was doing work at the level of a Senior CRA and that at the next promotion period I thought I could make a compelling arguement for getting a promotion.
And she fucking told me this (she was more smooth than what I list here, but this was the basic message):
1) There are people who have been Senior CRAs for 5 years and haven't been promoted so they are first in line for promotions (regardless of their actual ability)
2) She would like to see prove that I can maintain my current ability...as if I haven't been doing that for the past year
3) My generation is all about checking the box and just because I can 'check the box' next to all the traits and expectations of a Senior CRA doesn't mean I am one
4) She would never ask her boss for a promotion and thinks it's 'funny' my generation will ask
5) I shouldn't focus so much on the title because I will be getting opportunities to have more responsibilities and more Lead CRA type rolls.....so basically more will be expected of me and I will have more to be accountable for with greater amount of work and increased expecations without a commensurate job title or monetary compensation
6) I shouldn't feel badly because she won't be getting a promotion for awhile either...as if I care about that.
I was pissed and offended. And I am getting more and more pissed and offended about it. If Barbara gets a promotion this time around, I swear I will go over to her fucking desk and take a shit right on her keyboard.
And I don't even know what I would do next if I did get a new job. I've been the remedial, 'special' employee ever since I graduated and can't figure out how to climb out of the shit heap I have fallen into with every employer. Now I don't even know if I am a good hard worker like I used to be because I have no positive feedback. I am stuck. I've tried getting other jobs but am terrified they will turn into the same deal. Or that I will STILL be traveling goddamn 80% of the time. Or they don't want me because they can't EXACTLY cram my experience into the incredibly narrow restrictions they have put into the job description.
And I don't want to work on my resume again. Or cover letter again. Or interview again. Or go through training again. Or have to prove myself again. Quite obviously I have to if I'm ever going to escape this stupid job.
OH AND! It is highly likely that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. And maybe some back arthritis. How awesome is that??
Now I get to watch other people be the amazing worker. I get to watch their ideas and trainings and hard work get valued while I am the shit others wipe off the bottom of their shoe with a snarl.
I think back to BCPO Ferm and how everyone had a total boner for Jared. No one else could come close to Mr Perfection. Then I was relegated to the cell culture room. Not only did it have significantly less work than the bacterial side of the ops, but I was told "No, I don't want you learning the Bact side of things. I want you to be our cell culture expert" by my boss. So I stayed in that room with nothing to do. And all my cowokers got pissed at me and said I didn't do any work. And that I was lazy and how they did all the work. Especially stupid David Grey. So I quit. And transferred.
To BA. Where my boss pretty much made me feel like a stupid asshole every day. I site this entry and this entry as evidence of a 'day in the life of Erin' during my year and a half in BA.
Now this job. God, I'm so sick of everything. I hate that as a CRA-I, I was given way too many sites, way too many sites that were high enrolling, and way too many problem sites. I don't even know how I succeeded. I was completely set up to fail and managed to pull through. But of course, no one recognizes the actual struggle and no one has really reflected on HOW FUCKING FAR I have come as a monitor. No one else in their first year as a CRA caught a site falsifying data. No one else had a PI who didn't look at his adverse events and who didn't submit a Serious Adverse Event to the sponsor. No one else was called a bitch by 5 of her sites because she actually made them to their jobs properly. No one else had a Doctor, his Study Coordinator, and some fucking secretary bitch named Maricore write letters about how unprofessional, bitchy, and stupid I was. All because I made him do his job and his stupid study coordinator was a shady bastard.
But because of that stupid doctor, and the doctor who tattle-told on me for being a bitch because I caught his study coordinator falsifying data, and because all my San Diego sites requested my removal from their sites I was totally blackballed. Plus with all the shit going on, there was no way for me to keep up on my work. So I had the not best metrics. And I was passed up for a promotion in favor of Barbara (we were hired at the same time, went to the same training class, put on the same project under the same boss), who is a much poorer monitor than I am. I have been doing Senior CRA work for the past year now. But I am still doing remedial tasks. I have no other responsibilities. My brain has no challenges to keep it engaged.
So I finally thought, I should stop sitting back and I should take my career into my own hands like Kelly (current golden child) does. So I put in to be transferred to a Medical Writing position. And didn't get it. Then I put in to transfer to the Central Region to be closer to family. And I haven't heard hide nor hair about that opportunity.
So I asked my manager if I could be a mentor for the CRA-I onboarding program. I argued that I went through so much as CRA-I that I could be a really useful resource. I also told her that I did significant training at my other jobs.
But there is a waiting list to become a mentor.
So I asked about becoming signed off on AFVs...and that program is on hold, so again no. I was told I could be a CASCADE buddy, which was the one thing I did not want to do. Now I feel forced into being a CASCADE buddy because it's the ONLY option for me to advance beyond my current role. But I don't want to do it.
Then I told her I felt I was doing work at the level of a Senior CRA and that at the next promotion period I thought I could make a compelling arguement for getting a promotion.
And she fucking told me this (she was more smooth than what I list here, but this was the basic message):
1) There are people who have been Senior CRAs for 5 years and haven't been promoted so they are first in line for promotions (regardless of their actual ability)
2) She would like to see prove that I can maintain my current ability...as if I haven't been doing that for the past year
3) My generation is all about checking the box and just because I can 'check the box' next to all the traits and expectations of a Senior CRA doesn't mean I am one
4) She would never ask her boss for a promotion and thinks it's 'funny' my generation will ask
5) I shouldn't focus so much on the title because I will be getting opportunities to have more responsibilities and more Lead CRA type rolls.....so basically more will be expected of me and I will have more to be accountable for with greater amount of work and increased expecations without a commensurate job title or monetary compensation
6) I shouldn't feel badly because she won't be getting a promotion for awhile either...as if I care about that.
I was pissed and offended. And I am getting more and more pissed and offended about it. If Barbara gets a promotion this time around, I swear I will go over to her fucking desk and take a shit right on her keyboard.
And I don't even know what I would do next if I did get a new job. I've been the remedial, 'special' employee ever since I graduated and can't figure out how to climb out of the shit heap I have fallen into with every employer. Now I don't even know if I am a good hard worker like I used to be because I have no positive feedback. I am stuck. I've tried getting other jobs but am terrified they will turn into the same deal. Or that I will STILL be traveling goddamn 80% of the time. Or they don't want me because they can't EXACTLY cram my experience into the incredibly narrow restrictions they have put into the job description.
And I don't want to work on my resume again. Or cover letter again. Or interview again. Or go through training again. Or have to prove myself again. Quite obviously I have to if I'm ever going to escape this stupid job.
OH AND! It is highly likely that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. And maybe some back arthritis. How awesome is that??