In Death That I May Live Update!

[irishrose1]

Updated with a new chapter!

Elysian Fields
Spuffy Realm
AO3 - go to chapter 18
FFN - go to chapter 18

Or, you can read below the cut!


It wasn’t too difficult to figure out which room was his. Fred had shown her the block of rooms, and she knew her’s and Dawn’s which meant the other one obviously belonged to William. She knocked gently, waiting for him to open the door or to at least tell her to go away.

He’d brushed her off in the lobby as soon as she reached out to him, she didn’t even get a chance to ask what Angel had said to him before he’d made a dash for his room, his distress more than obvious. She knocked again.

After several seconds of still no answer, she tried the door and found it was unlocked. She opened the door gingerly and peeked around it, seeing William standing in the dark, looking out the window out at the endless Los Angeles night. Shutting the door behind her with equally delicate motion, she flipped the lock. Probably wouldn’t be good to have Dawn come plowing through in the middle of a delicate conversation. He and Dawn had been thick as thieves ever since the battle for their lives in the graveyard, but she had a feeling this conversation was well above Dawn’s pay grade. She began approaching him when she heard his distinct sigh.

“If you please, I wish to be alone.”

Now what? Should she leave? She didn’t think he really needed to be alone right now. She’d known that no matter what answer he got, it was going to be traumatic for him. No one deserved to go through it alone.

“Well, if wishes were horses…” She trailed off.

“Beggars would ride.” His quiet response reached her ears.

“Huh,” She frowned, continuing to close the distance to stand by his side and stare out the window herself. “Didn’t know there was a second part to that. Makes a lot more sense now!”

He made a noise that might have been a short laugh; it was hard to tell.

“Besides,” She said, looking over at him. “I think the words, ‘be careful what you wish for,’ are a little redundant at this point.”

She both saw and heard his sharp intake of breath as he turned his head slightly away from her, still staring out the window. Way to go Buffy! Try to take his mind off things by reminding him yet again how you ripped him away from everything he knew.

“Sorry, William.” She placed her hand very cautiously on his shoulder, expecting him to once again brush her off. “Sometimes words just fall out of my mouth before checking with my brain. It’s a thing. I really should work on making my mouth behave better.” She tried to make light of her flub, hoping he’d forgive her slip of the tongue.

He turned and gave her a look that she’d learned was the William equivalent of, “You’re dumb but adorable!” That was another one of those things that she’d previously ascribed to Spike, but she had now decided was probably more of a William thing. More importantly, he didn’t shrug out from under her touch. So she slid her hand down to his hand and intertwined her fingers with his. He only let her do this when they were alone.

“Angel told me he answered your question,” She broached the subject she figured was weighing heavily on his mind. Honestly, it weighed on hers too, but not because she really wanted to know. She knew that no matter what the answer, he was going to be hurt, and not just a little. It was easy to hold out hope that Anne Pratt had lived out the rest of her natural life before succumbing to consumption, as William had called it, as long as there wasn’t any evidence to the contrary. But once he knew, then it would be real, and she knew first hand how horrible that feeling was.

“It still hurts to think about when my mother died,” She began hesitantly. “But it’s…”

“Did you also murder your own mother? Twice?” He asked, his eyes focused intently on her own, the pain and anger practically burning into her retinas.

Hoo boy, she’d actually kind of been hoping that Angel or Drusilla had done it. Angel had accepted his past and was trying to atone, Dru really wouldn’t give a damn, but William would take it personally as if he’d done the deed himself instead of Spike.

“No,” She conceded. “But, neither did you.” She returned his fervent gaze. “That was Spike’s actions, not yours.”

He gave her a look that was hard to read. She’d not always been good at that, reading others. She was more an actiony kind of person. She was all about the “show me,” instead of “guess what I’m thinking.” This one, was it a look of disappointment? But that didn’t seem right. How could he be disappointed she’d told him it was Spike’s fault and not his?

He sighed deeply, releasing her hand and then sitting on the edge of the bed facing her.

“You’re wrong,” He proclaimed as if it was established fact.

“I’m not wrong!” She argued back. “William, you are not to blame for the things Spike!”

“I am!” He raised his voice at her. Something he rarely ever did, much less directed at her. “I am.” He repeated more softly.

“You are not a soulless demon, William.” She reiterated the same thing she’d had to tell him over and over all these weeks.

He laughed. That was… unexpected.

“I almost wish I were.” His declaration unnerved her. “At least then my sins could be explained as the actions of such a creature.”

“You don’t mean that!” He was beginning to freak her out a little bit.

“No.” He finally answered. “I don’t. But that doesn’t make me any less of a monster.”

“William!” She knelt down in front of him, placing her hands on his knees to steady herself, looking up into his face in earnest, hoping to finally get through to him. “You are not a monster. Your mother was killed by a demon that inhabited your body, not you. You need to understand that. You are a good man, William.”

“No,” He smiled sadly at her. “ I’m not. Was it the demon that sought to restore mother to health by turning her into an evil creature of the night, or was it the man, Miss Buffy?” He paused briefly. “You need not answer that… it was the man. The same man who dispatched the evil creature she’d become.” She could see the tears beginning to fall. “I am most assuredly not a good man.”

She used her hands on his knees to push herself to a stand and then took his chin in her right hand, lifting it until he was looking up at her. His expression was so confused and conflicted. He was so full of pain. He’d just had the last vestiges of everything he knew and loved stripped away. He previous life, his family, his place in this world, all gone now; dashed in the blink of an eye because of a wish she’d made against the only person who had understood and accepted her own pain and had tried to give her the fire to keep going. She understood his pain. She felt his need for solace.

She smiled slightly, trying to reassure him, and then leaned in to give him a gentle kiss. But just before she could make contact, he jerked back slightly, looking even more confused and conflicted, if that was even possible.

“Miss Buffy?”

She smiled a little more and then closed the gap between their lips, giving him a slightly less gentle than previously planned kiss, hoping to reassure him she’d intended to do it.

He made a tiny little sound somewhere in the back of his throat, and it only made her smile more as she broke the kiss. She pulled back slightly, amused that he seemed to have not quite yet realized she wasn’t still kissing him. His eyes fluttered open, a glazed and dazed look in his eyes. And then it was gone. Replaced by one of… regret? Apology?

“Miss Buffy,” He took her hands in his, pulling the one away from his face and holding it with her other in front of his chest. “I... t-that is...w-we…”

She pulled her right hand up to his mouth, taking his with it, and placed her index finger across his soft, warm, lips. Her eyes met his, silently telling him to trust her. She leaned down again, capturing his mouth once more, noting this time his lips were tighter, hesitant. As she continued to try and coax his lips to relax, she let her hands fall back to his chest, placing the flat against the firm muscles hidden under his shirt. She noted with no small amount of satisfaction that his hands then found their way to her waist and they were gently, slightly, hesitantly, pulling her towards him.

He was starting to return her kisses, less hesitant as they explored different pressure, different pace, different angle. She began to undo the buttons of his shirt as he became more invested in the kissing. As he explored a longer kiss, she let her tongue slowly trace the contour of his full lower lip, eliciting another one of those tiny little sounds from the back of his throat. She wondered how many times she could get him to make that sound as she continued to unfasten the buttons of his shirt and finally pulled the shirt tails free from his slacks. She slid her hands underneath the shirt placing them on the warm flesh of his chest, causing him to suck in a hard breath and pull back from her once more. He glanced down at himself, his breaths coming in quick shallow pants, and she could almost hear him wondering how his shirt got undone. As he continued to stare at his chest and shirt, she moved her hands up to his shoulders, slipping them under the collar of his shirt and then across his shoulders, pushing the shirt off as she went. He looked up at her again, this time something close to panic swimming in his eyes.

“I-I-I d-don’t think i-it would b-be…” He stuttered out.

“Shhhh…” She smiled at him again. He really was adorable when he was flustered. “Don’t think, William, just feel,” She said leaning in to kiss him more deeply and pressed against him.

“Love isn’t brains, children, it’s blood!”

The intrusive thought blindsided her briefly, right as she’d intended to give William’s lip an itty bitty nibble, resulting in more of an unpleasant nip, and sending her reeling back for a second. As she glanced down at William, she noted the area she’d just bitten was already a little swollen. And then she noticed he was staring at her. No, studying, he was studying her.

She forcefully pushed the thought aside and once again set about resuming her task of kissing him and trying to get his shirt off. She’d just managed to do exactly that, when he suddenly grabbed her by the arms and pushed her back, holding her at arm’s distance, and giving her the critical eye.

“Buffy,” His voice suddenly steady and firm. And he didn’t even use the ‘Miss’ this time! “I want to be certain it is truly me that you…” He paused, as if afraid to finish his sentence. Instead, choosing to finish the question with his eyes, his earnest look begging her to tell him that she was not pretending this was a stolen moment with the demon who previously wore this face.

She ran her fingers through his hair, marveling at the texture and feel of it. A mess of soft and short curls, two-tone now as he had yet to even consider bleaching his hair. She cupped his cheek, marveling at the softness that had always been there, but now held the warmth brought about by a heartbeat and the flush of desire. She looked down at him once more, opening her expression and hoping she said this right.

“It’s you, William. Only you.”

He let out a breath she doubted he knew he’d been holding, and gave her that look again. That one that always made her feel so strange. To be so worshipped, and have such control over another person that it bordered on discomfort to behold that power.

She stepped back a couple of steps, his hands following along her arms until they clasped hands and she pulled him to stand. She locked eyes with him once more, seeing the doubt and fear creep into him. She dropped his hands and grabbed the hem of her shirt and pulled it slowly over her head, discarding it on the floor next to her. She felt a small wave of feminine pride as she saw his breathing quicken and his eyes immediately drop to her bra with a look of wonder and curiosity. She reached behind her, and with a quick twist she unhooked the clasp and pulled the straps over her arms, discarding it in the same manner as her shirt.

She stood silent and still, waiting to see what he would do. She watched as his left hand came up to hover over her breast, fingers slightly flexing, but not quite touching. She cupped his hand in hers and brought it to her breast, pressing it there and guiding him to gently roll and massage it. She brought her other hand up to her left breast, mimicking his movements, and then beginning to roll and squeeze the nipple, adding a few light pinches. He picked up the cues and began experimenting with his own movements. Soon his other hand was replacing hers in his ministrations. She slid her hands around his waist and pulled his body against her own, leaning her head up to try and capture his lips in another kiss. He seemed more than willing to oblige. When he gave one of her nipples a sharper pinch, she couldn’t help the little gasp of a moan that escaped. After a second’s pause, he renewed his actions with more vigor.

She eased her hands down his sides until they were resting just under the waistband of his slacks. She traced the skin around to the front of his slacks, popping the button open and unzipping the fly, before tracing the skin back around to his hips and pushing the slacks and his boxers down over his hips and off those firm and toned cheeks of his. She broke the kiss and grinned when his lips seemed to want to chase her own for a moment as she knelt down, taking his slacks all the way to his ankles. She made short work of ridding him of his shoes and socks and encouraged him to step out of the slacks, pushing the pants off to the side with her shirt and bra.

She sat back and marveled at him. Well, most of him. He was currently cupping his hands over himself and looking rather bashful as he glanced off to the side. His cheeks were flaming red, and she didn’t think he could get any more adorable than he was right at that second.

She ran her hands lightly up his legs and over his own hands, gently folding her fingers over his hands and pulling them to his side before letting them go, revealing his rather considerable tumescence jutting proudly upward.

“You don’t have to hide, William. You are a very beautiful man.”

He seemed to frown at her comment.

“In a very manly way!” She added. Which seemed to alleviate his frown, mostly.

She placed her right hand on his hip, causing him to jump slightly at the contact. She traced a finger across his abdomen, resulting in more little movements and perhaps even a very stifled giggle. William was very ticklish! She filed that bit of knowledge away for later. Her finger traced down along the inside of his leg, and she tried not to laugh as he squirmed and pointedly tried not giggle. She continued torturing him with light fingertips tracing over is skin, in areas she suspected were also ticklish. When she thought he was just about to let a laugh loose, her right hand seized the base of his cock. He yelped in surprise, and his eyes went wide in shock as he looked down at her. She locked her eyes with his, giving him a wicked little grin as she slowly leaned in toward him.

“You-you-you- don’t n-need to…” She slowly took him into her mouth about half way, before applying a little suction and pulling back to the head.

“Oh God,” His trembling voice whispered out as his knees began to buckle. She put her other hand on his abdomen and pushed him gently back, allowing the bed to catch his fall. It more or less worked. She followed him back, continuing her slow up and down motions on his cock. She could already feel his muscles tightening, and realized it wasn’t going to take much work this round. She began to bob in earnest, as a string of guttural sounds began flowing from William’s mouth, and his hands automatically weaved themselves into her hair. She released the tight squeeze she had with her hand at the base of his cock and sunk down on him all the way to the base, drawing a few higher pitched guttural noises from him. She started to swallow around him, and he suddenly came, quick jerking spasms shooting his cum down her throat in time with a string of repetitive “oh’s” bearing witness to his orgasm.

Once he relaxed again, she pulled back and release his now much less turgid member with a deliberate plop. As he continued to bask in the glory of his release, she stepped back and quickly removed her own boots, socks, pants, and thong before climbing back on the bed and straddling him just below his hips. For several seconds, he didn’t even seem to notice she was there. And then she reached down and started stroking him.

His head popped up again, and she smiled at the dazed and confused look he was giving her.

Once again, she sent him a reassuring smile, though she wasn’t sure how much he was comprehending right that moment. So she bent over and began kissing him once again. Sucking in his bottom lip, and teasing it with strokes of her tongue along the edges.

At last his cock seemed to begin to spring back to life. After another few minutes, it was once again proudly standing a full mast, and she had even coaxed him to allow her tongue to gently plunder his mouth.

She replaced her hand with her apex, grinding her hips against his, causing him to gasp at the contact and his eyes rolled back. She continued to rock and grind against him, using his hard erection to stroke her clit in a delicious way, until she felt she was ready. She stopped all motion, sat upright atop him, and waited. He lifted his head, looking at her questioningly, clearly confused as to why she had stopped. She rose up slightly, reached down between them, and guided the head of his cock to her opening and hovered over him. She watched as his face was taken over by a wave of desire and ecstasy as she slowly sank down on him, seating him firmly within her walls. His eyes had rolled shut again, and his mouth was fixed in a permanent “o,” though no sound seemed to escape, only shuddering irregular breaths, as his fingertips dug into her thighs almost painfully.

She gave them both time to adjust to each other and to gain some semblance of control over the onslaught of sensations. She figured it was probably best to take this slowly for both their sakes, focusing on the slow and deliberate motions of drawing everything out. At least that sounded like a good plan. It even worked for a few minutes, as she rocked against him gently. Unfortunately, it just didn’t quite seem to be getting the job done. She tried speeding up her actions, rising and falling faster, less gently, his hips coming up to meet her own, reaching further and further inside her. She started swirling her hip on the down stroke, and he was trying to do the same with his. It gave them an odd, syncopated, rhythm. She leaned forwards hovering over him, her hands on either side of his head, hoping the change in angle would work.

He instinctively took one of her breasts in his mouth, licking and sucking, his tongue teasing the nipple, while his fingers curled harder into the flesh of her upper thighs. Still, it wasn’t enough. Hard as she tried, they just couldn’t quite seem to get the rhythm together, and she was becoming exceedingly frustrated as she felt herself getting higher, and her muscles tighter, but never really cresting toward release.

And then suddenly, he sat them both upright, catching her off guard, changing the angle even more as he brought his arms around her back and pulled her sharply in and down as he thrust his hips up, hitting that sweet spot inside her, causing her to drop her head back and cry out at the overwhelming sensation. He did it twice again in rapid succession, drawing a deep growl of need and pleasure from her the third time. She looked back at him, and the look on his face was pure smoldering Spike.

She reeled back at the intrusive thought as if she’d just been slapped and briefly pushing her upper body away from his. The action brought William’s movements to an abrupt halt, with a look of concern. She tried to get her breathing under control and closed her eyes to focus as she pushed that thought away as hard as she possibly could.

She felt William trying to gently but quickly move her off of him. She popped her eyes open and grabbed his hands, once again stopping all of his motions, and she studied him. He was looking away from her. Was he angry? Ashamed? Sometimes it was so hard to tell with him. The two seemed to be all mixed up together so much with him.

“It’s ok,” She rasped out. He still wouldn’t look at her.

“William?” She was getting a little worried by his reaction.

“I’m sorry,” He choked out what sounded like a watery apology, though she hadn’t a clue what he was apologizing for and he still wouldn’t look at her.

“William, please look at me.” She asked him. After what felt like agonizing minutes of waiting, she added, “Please, William?”

He gradually turned his face toward her, his body trembling as if he were afraid.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just had a thought sneak up on me.”

If possible, he looked even more hurt.

“It’s gone, now. I don’t even remember what it was.” She placed her hands on either side of his face ensuring she kept his attention and focus, “And I really don’t want it to ruin what we have right now.”

He looked uncertain, confused, still hurt.

“Can you forgive me?” She asked, adding a little more hope in her voice.

After a second, a look of relief seemed to wash over him, and he grabbed her head and pulled her in for a kiss that was filled with more urgency than she’d anticipated.

She started to push him back again, and then thought better of it, pulling him to the side and stretching out along the length of the bed, pulling his body over her own. His passion seemed to reignite as she deepened the kiss. She began thrusting her tongue at his with each lift of her pelvis to meet his thrust. It didn’t take long for him to catch on to the rhythm she set and she wanted to cry out in joy as they finally seemed to get in sync. It didn’t take much longer for them to keep the rhythm going without her having to guide him. Which was a good thing, because somehow he’d figured out that if he lifted her leg left knee up further, it gave him just the right angle and depth to hit the spot that made her produce all sorts of primal sounds.

She was getting very close now. She just needed a little push. She reached between them, seeking out her clitoris with her fingers and she began rubbing and tapping it furiously. Getting closer. So close. William seemed to take note of the motion, and lifted up to see what she was doing, his pace faltering.

“Oh, God! William, don’t stop! Please don’t stop!” She begged, still rubbing furiously at herself. He seemed transfixed by her movements, as he continued to languidly pump in and out of her. She cried out in frustration, “William!”

He resumed his more vigorous pace, dropping down to kiss her intermittently. Her cries and moans were becoming more urgent now, and she kept breaking his kisses. Suddenly she felt his hot mouth on her breast again, laving and licking at the puckered nipple. And then he gave it an overly enthusiastic nibble, and the combined sensations sent her tumbling over the edge with a shuddering gasp as waves of ecstasy finally washed over her. The tight undulations of her quim pulled William over the edge shortly after, an odd sound falling from his lips as his hips and cock spasmed their release, until they both collapsed against each other with William repeating a litany of adorations interspersed with three little words that for some reason caught her completely off guard.

“I love you.”