But DAMN
It's been a really long year and I am just so tired of fighting. Since I became disabled life has just sucked. I've lost most of my friends and nearly lost my boyfriend. On the good side my kids are doing fine and I have a new grandbaby. That really makes me feel old and tired. I know I'm depressed again, because I'm thinking about cutting again, but I made a vow that I wouldn't so I smoke more and more. I've been trying to get a hold of a friend of mine, she says she will email me her phone number, but I don't think she really wants to see me anymore. I lost my girlfriend and have no clue what happened there. One day we were cool and the next I get the let's just be friends speach. needless to say my feeling about love are at an all time low. I mean why bother. my boyfriend loves me but we can never be together. he's married and won't leave because of the money he would lose. I guess I don't really blame him for that. The older I get the more I wish I had saved for my future, but I didn't. my life is a mess and I still have one person telling me that they draw strenght from how strong I am. well guess what I'm not that strong. I'm not suicidal yet but it's coming and I don't want to go back to the hospital again. there is no healing in the hospital. I just want the game over. I'm tired of playing, maybe that's just because I'm not winning, but I've never won. I know live is suppose to be a struggle, but DAMN, when does it get any easier? or is this all there is? if so then I'm done with the game......I can't keep doing this agonizing bullshit over and over again.