Control, and other things.

[irishmyst]

I do not like not being in control.

I do not like my emotions being in somebody else's hands.

I do not like weighing my every word and action, because the simplest wrong thing might make someone suddenly realize I'm just not worth any of it.

I hate that I put so much weight on other people's every word and action.

I hate trying to keep myself in a healthy balance when I know really, the fact that I think I haven't crossed that line is such bullshit.

I hate not being able to pace myself and going so completely in when I know that's not the smart thing to do.

I hate that my natural instinct is to be so damn trusting, and I hate that constant voice in my head that says not to trust anybody.

I despise the fact that I can't separate all pasts from the present.

I don't like having hope, I'm uncomfortable believing in things again, I'm nervous to allow my heart any freedom, but I hated when I didn't have any of that.

I don't like having time to sit here in quiet and let my mind think. It never goes in the direction I want it to.

I don't want to allow anybody the chance to destroy me, but what's the point in anything if you don't take a chance when you think something is important?