Oscar..

[irishmuffin]

I am so exhausted emotionally that I can hardly stand to think of what happened yesterday anymore. However, i feel it important to write about it, at least briefly so I can look back upon it some day.  Yesterday I brought Oscar in to the vet with what I thought was just a pesky hairball.  Turns out that hairball was most likely feline leukemia....and only a couple hours after bringing him in with a seemingly simple problem, he stopped breathing and then his heart gave out on him.  I really wish I could have been with him more in those last hours.  If I had known it would be my last day with him I would have spent the morning much differently.  I would have craddled him in my arms for as long as I could. I would have kissed him a million more times.  I would have told him I loved him over and over again because somehow I think he always understood me.  I really hope that he's in a better place, that he's no longer in pain and that he knows how much I wanted him here with me. Some people may say "he was just a cat" but he really was more than that.  He was an amazing companion, a loyal friend, and like I always said...he was like my first born. I know it may sound silly to some but I loved this cat beyond words and nothing can ever replace him.  I wish so badly that I could bring him back.  That I could have rid him of his illness. No matter how mischievious he was he always hit a soft spot in my heart even when he was misbehaving.  I feel like I should be able to go to sleep and wake up and have him be there again.  I'm so used to him meowing at my door in the morning, biting at my feet so that I'll give him food, always being in the bathroom when I took a shower.  I miss him laying on my bed all day and watching me do school work, walking over to me and plopping down on my chest as close as he could possibly be to me. I even miss him tearing my laundry baskets apart and attacking my clean clothes as I went to fold them.  I never thought I'd only get to spend one of each holiday with him, that he'd only get one birthday (and I wouldn't even be around for it :( ), most of all I never knew when I put him in the cat carrier yesterday morning I'd never get to take him out of it again. They took him from me as soon as I got there and never got to see him again...not until he was dead.  His poor little limp body was almost more than I could handle.  I rubbed his furry little head for awhile as though to comfort him even though he was already gone. I gave him one last kiss and left him to rest. The only thing that keeps me going is the idea that he IS somewhere now where he is completely happy and that he somehow sees me and knows what I am feeling and wants me to be happy again. I went and looked at kittens today.  It was a very heart warming and heart breaking experience at the same time. They were all adorable and I wanted to provide every single one of them with a home...but looking at every one of them I couldn't help but think that they just weren't Oscar.  They just wouldn't understand me the way he did, they wouldn't act the same way he did, they wouldn't drive me insane in such an annoyingly cute way like he did.  They just can't replace him.  I know nothing can replace him....but I want to be happy again.  However, part of me feels guilty for wanting that.  I just lost this cat that I speak so fondly of YESTERDAY. How could I be thinking of replacing him so soon? I guess it's because it is so unbearably lonely here without him.  Everything I do makes me realize another aspect of life with him that is gone.  I just want to find a way to feel whole again, the way that I came to feel with Oscar. I never imagined I'd get so attached, but I did without realizing it.  I'm also so afraid to become that way again and to lose it all again. I know death is inevitable, but is still amazingly difficult for me to deal with.  Especially with cats, they are so innocent and helpless. Ultimately I think it would be a nice thing to do to give another cat a home. I have to realize that no cat will be another Oscar, but hopefully I will find one that can steal another little part of my heart.

I just miss Oscar so much more than I realized was possible....if only I could have seen what was coming...but then maybe that would have been harder.  There will always be a place for you in my bed and in my heart. Sleep peacefully, you deserve it. I will always love and miss you.