Coffee shop ranting...
Pre-warning: You don't have to read ANYTHING I say. I will be honest, I will not lie, I will tell the truth as it is. I try my hardest NOT to deceive people and I want to keep to this... If you have any questions about ANYTHING on this site or this particular post, ask me. I am trying to be more open and honest about everything. It's going to take a while, but I don't want to hide behind masks anymore. I used to do that in high-school and I still do it out of habit quite often. I'll probably be looked at as a wacko, and I'll probably lose some friends, and dam that's going to hurt, it really is, but I have to be me, and if you cant accept that, sorry. Although there are MANY out there who could/can see right through any fascade I put up, and are still sticking by my side. If thats any hope, stick with me, and read on....
Well, here I sit. Inside my favorite coffee shop, the Abbey. I suppose today wasn't too bad, since I decided to sleep in a bit. It was good to be able to not worry about being up in the morning at a certain time.; I didnt go to be until 4 am, and I didn't get up until 10 this morning.; I did some usual wake up stuff, like walk around aimlessly not remembering who I am or why I went in to the kitchen... which still perplexes me by the way.; I eventually decided I should get out of the house and get stuff done. I went to the darn post office to mail all the paperwork for the wreck.; Had to buy a few stamps and all, but its all complete, and I won't lose my license. *le sigh of relief*. If I learned anything from this, it's that I'm really grateful to my parents for all their help and support. I know they probably think I don't take things as seriously as they do, which in some ways, I don't, but I really would have been SOL if that car had been my car and I hadn't had any backup or anything. I would have not only been out of a car, but I'd have been in debt up to my ears trying to pay off a new car, or the insurance company, and the time it would have taken to get another vehicle would have held me back from getting a good start on the semester this year.
Life's pretty confusing right now. I dont know what my head is thinking, or what I really want. I'm having a hard time sticking to the promise to myself to not become serious with anyone for 6 months... I hate to admit it but I think I need to extend it until I can truly be able to live with myself without "someone else". Maybe I wasn't meant to be alone, but I don't know. Its frustrating most of the time because I have a hard time with self-control and I don't know what to do about it. I try, I really do, but the "beast" grows in me, and it's not anger I'm talking about here.
I really wish I didnt have to deal with this, but I suppose life is full of it's little nuances and nagging issues that keep creeping up. If life was a rose, then the thorns help remind us that we're alive. The thorns are pricking, and I'm so used to the pain... Off subject again, but the sun sets rather quickly... especially when you're not paying attention.. seemed only a moment ago I was watching it creep over the edge of the buildings, and now, now it is black... Back on subject now. I suppose if I had more of a solid grasp on the ground, or more friends that I could truly trust and talk to, but I don't... I had a unique experience last year... the intimacy of conversations in day to day living was livid. There are no words to describe how beautiful it was. I don't have many that I can really sit down and talk with and meld minds with... Everyone I know that I could talk to like that have other agendas or are biast in their opinion for one reason or another. I liked the fact that people at CBC were there to just listen, talk, and give advice, but not for their own gain, but for the gain of the person they were giving the advice to. A rarity now a days. I suppose a trip to CBC would be in order within the next year. I know I want to make it up to Chicago to see old CBC friends who made the transfer to North Park University.
For all who know me well enough and talk to me on a regular basis, I'm not saying that you all are superficial and are bad friends, I really am not saying that. I just don't know why it feels different there then with friends here. It doesn't make complete sense, but I feel some sort of connection there that I don't feel now. I suppose it has to do with how the community was created and how we spent a year under the same roof, and you either got along with them, or you you were forced to, since you were in the same classes, same friends, same life, same kitchen. Maybe its been the change from highschool relations to the relations at CBC and then back to relations here, which are a whole lot different from eachother. High School relations for me consisted alot of "Hi, How are you?", and that was the extent. It never went deeper than the current day or week, and if it did, it wasn't deep. There were a few that I spent alot more time with, but I am sure I had more than a couple hundred people I knew by name that I would see daily and barely make contact with often. At CBC, everyone... I knew not only their name, but almost all of them I knew a little about their life story, their history. How they grew up, what kind of struggles they had. I learned about some of their families.... it's not usual to spend only a year with 44 other people and know THAT much about every one of them. Hell, I know I've known some people for many years, and I couldn't tell you hardly a thing about them.
Wow, coffee's cold again... I've been to absorbed in this journal. I have probably bored everyone to death.... All I want to say in closing is that I don't want anyone to browse away from this journal and think, boy, what an ass... I don't intend anything to offend, I'm just tired of hiding behind masks, and I don't want to write this in some sort of "politically correct" manner so that everyone is happy and thinks I'm some perfect dude... if you think that, remove it from your mind now.
(addition...: LJ was down for a day, so this is posted after the writing...