The road so far...
Disclaimer first. Yes, those on my flist know that I'm a SamGirl. That being said, I absolutely see Dean's side. And more importantly, this is in no way meant to blame everything on Dean. I am of firm belief that both brothers screwed up majorly in order to get to this point. Both of them are to blame for what's happened this season. That being said, I wanted to make this post because I've seen a lot of posts since 4.20 aired and especially since last night about people shocked by what Sam has become, wondering how they hell it all happened. Personally, I was not surprised by a single thing. It was long time coming as far as I'm concerned. Here is why I think so....
Think about it. Sam's entire life has been consumed by revenge. Revenge for Mary's death, revenge for Jessica's death, revenge for John's death, Dean's death. Revenge and anger ruled his life since he was but a baby. You have a guy who spent his childhood angry at his dad and dealing with feelings of never being good enough. He never knew his mother and never had even a glimpse of what normal life might have been.
He finally gets out and what does he get for his troubles? More death, more pain, demonic-ly induced powers and everybody he ever loved or cared about dead. If you go back and watch the previous seasons, Sam never really deals with any of it. When John died, he didn't grieve and I was pissed at the writers for not letting us see Sam grieve like we did with Dean. But I get it. Sam didn't allow himself that privilege. He couldn't. He stuffed all those feelings inside, partly because Dean was the one falling apart and Sam needed to be the strong one and pick up the pieces. Also, the only way Sam has ever known how to deal with pain was anger and getting revenge. That's what John taught him. That's what Sam did after Jessica died. That's what he did after John died. So, is it a wonder that Sam wanted revenge after Dean went to hell? If anything, revenge was the only thing that kept Sam alive. I've said it before, I know, but if Ruby didn't give him a way to kill Lilith, didn't give him a way to exact revenge on the bitch that took his brother to hell, I have no doubt Sam would have been dead. If some creature didn't get him, Sam seriously would have just stood on the corner of some random street, holding out a gun and begging anybody to put him out of his misery. Yes, Ruby took advantage of it. And Sam let her. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I can't blame him. He didn't give a damn about losing his soul or becoming a monster at that point.
Dean dying broke Sam so completely, that he didn't even try to put the pieces back together. He just tried to stuff them all in place all together and the pieces fell wherever they could. Sam never healed after Dean's death. Not completely. Not even after Dean came back. Because those pieces were all over the place, some maybe even missing. And Sam still didn't deal with any of it. He never talked to Dean about it. How could he possibly whine about grieving and feeling sad for four months when Dean actually spent 40 years in hell being tortured, right? How could he sit there and talk about his feelings when it quickly became obvious that Dean wasn't ok, that his brother changed so much, was so affected by what happened to him in hell? Sam did the exact same thing he did in season 2 after John's death. He took control of the situation.
Not to mention that he actually spent 4 months all on his own. The boy grew up during that time. He had to. Aside form the fact that his wasn't the first time he had to be on his own. There were those 6 months that never happened in Mystery Spot that had changed Sam already prior to Dean even going to hell. So, Sam did what he felt he had to do - take charge, be the older brother, protect Dean, help Dean heal. He had no time and no use for dealing with his own issues. So, he bottled it all up once again, just like he did after John and after dying himself, never dealing with any of it. I imagine dying so violently yourself, finding out he had demon blood inside of him and the little things he learned about Mary just might have added up to the long list of issues Sam should have really dealt with.
But any time any of those feelings managed to escape whatever deep, dark place he stuffed them into, he only pushed them in there harder. What he couldn't push down hard enough were the fears about the demon blood inside of him, about what he was becoming. And more importantly - what would happen if Dean found out? Would Dean confirm what Sam feared all along - that he's not worth saving, that he's a monster, a thing to hunt and kill? Anybody who doesn't think Sam knew what he was doing was wrong wasn't watching close enough this season. Sam's been struggling with these feelings the entire season, in the background, behind Dean and his issues with the angels and demons and everything else. Sam never said a thing, but it was written all over his face - and I give completely credit to Jared's acting for this. And as he pushed all those feelings down, he became more distant from Dean. Here is the part where I'll get flack for saying this, but if only Dean had been paying attention, he just might have seen this whole thing coming. And maybe, just maybe he could have stopped it. But Dean wasn't paying attention. He was too wrapped up in all things angel and listening to Castiel over his own brother. He didn't trust Sam, I get that. Sam was lying to him. I'm not excusing Sam here. Not at all. Though I do see why Sam felt the need to lie - because if Dean knew the truth, Sam would lose his brother. Sam knew that. So, he kept his mouth shut. Of course, he lost his brother anyway. Also, a friend of mine mentioned this a while back to me. When Dean holds something back, Sam always somehow finds a way to make Dean talk - eventually. I guess when they were kids, Dean never really had to do that. So, he never learned how to get Sam to open up to him. I'm sure Dean actually wanted to get Sam to talk to him this season. But he had no idea how to get through to Sam. I thought that was an excellent point.
So, what's the point of this whole very long, very incoherent post? First of all, Dean should have seen this coming. But more importantly... it's been a very long time coming. Not to go all shrink-y here, but Sam's been bottling up his feelings and emotions for so long, it was only a matter of time before the whole thing exploded. Sam started drinking demon blood to get to Lilith. My guess is, the feeling of power, of being in control was pretty enticing to him as well. Not because he WANTS power. No. But because just like any other drug, it dulled his emotions. It gave him feelings to focus on versus the ones he wanted to push down and forget about. It provided him with a way to get his revenge on the demon he held responsible for all this pain he felt, for his brother's suffering, the very same demon who was now threatening the fate of all of humanity. And to beat her all Sam had to do was drink a little demon blood. So what if it changed him inside, if it turned him into something he hated? It was the price Sam was willing to pay. Still is. Anybody who thinks that Sam doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing, hasn't been watching the same show. Because he does. Those hallucinations he had? They're very telling in exactly what Sam's been thinking all this time. He sees himself as a monster. Has for a while. He knows this won't end well for him. He's sacrificing himself because in his mind it's worth it. Because in his mind he's cursed, damned no matter what. But others might have a chance. DEAN might have a chance.
Think about it. Sam's entire life has been consumed by revenge. Revenge for Mary's death, revenge for Jessica's death, revenge for John's death, Dean's death. Revenge and anger ruled his life since he was but a baby. You have a guy who spent his childhood angry at his dad and dealing with feelings of never being good enough. He never knew his mother and never had even a glimpse of what normal life might have been.
He finally gets out and what does he get for his troubles? More death, more pain, demonic-ly induced powers and everybody he ever loved or cared about dead. If you go back and watch the previous seasons, Sam never really deals with any of it. When John died, he didn't grieve and I was pissed at the writers for not letting us see Sam grieve like we did with Dean. But I get it. Sam didn't allow himself that privilege. He couldn't. He stuffed all those feelings inside, partly because Dean was the one falling apart and Sam needed to be the strong one and pick up the pieces. Also, the only way Sam has ever known how to deal with pain was anger and getting revenge. That's what John taught him. That's what Sam did after Jessica died. That's what he did after John died. So, is it a wonder that Sam wanted revenge after Dean went to hell? If anything, revenge was the only thing that kept Sam alive. I've said it before, I know, but if Ruby didn't give him a way to kill Lilith, didn't give him a way to exact revenge on the bitch that took his brother to hell, I have no doubt Sam would have been dead. If some creature didn't get him, Sam seriously would have just stood on the corner of some random street, holding out a gun and begging anybody to put him out of his misery. Yes, Ruby took advantage of it. And Sam let her. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I can't blame him. He didn't give a damn about losing his soul or becoming a monster at that point.
Dean dying broke Sam so completely, that he didn't even try to put the pieces back together. He just tried to stuff them all in place all together and the pieces fell wherever they could. Sam never healed after Dean's death. Not completely. Not even after Dean came back. Because those pieces were all over the place, some maybe even missing. And Sam still didn't deal with any of it. He never talked to Dean about it. How could he possibly whine about grieving and feeling sad for four months when Dean actually spent 40 years in hell being tortured, right? How could he sit there and talk about his feelings when it quickly became obvious that Dean wasn't ok, that his brother changed so much, was so affected by what happened to him in hell? Sam did the exact same thing he did in season 2 after John's death. He took control of the situation.
Not to mention that he actually spent 4 months all on his own. The boy grew up during that time. He had to. Aside form the fact that his wasn't the first time he had to be on his own. There were those 6 months that never happened in Mystery Spot that had changed Sam already prior to Dean even going to hell. So, Sam did what he felt he had to do - take charge, be the older brother, protect Dean, help Dean heal. He had no time and no use for dealing with his own issues. So, he bottled it all up once again, just like he did after John and after dying himself, never dealing with any of it. I imagine dying so violently yourself, finding out he had demon blood inside of him and the little things he learned about Mary just might have added up to the long list of issues Sam should have really dealt with.
But any time any of those feelings managed to escape whatever deep, dark place he stuffed them into, he only pushed them in there harder. What he couldn't push down hard enough were the fears about the demon blood inside of him, about what he was becoming. And more importantly - what would happen if Dean found out? Would Dean confirm what Sam feared all along - that he's not worth saving, that he's a monster, a thing to hunt and kill? Anybody who doesn't think Sam knew what he was doing was wrong wasn't watching close enough this season. Sam's been struggling with these feelings the entire season, in the background, behind Dean and his issues with the angels and demons and everything else. Sam never said a thing, but it was written all over his face - and I give completely credit to Jared's acting for this. And as he pushed all those feelings down, he became more distant from Dean. Here is the part where I'll get flack for saying this, but if only Dean had been paying attention, he just might have seen this whole thing coming. And maybe, just maybe he could have stopped it. But Dean wasn't paying attention. He was too wrapped up in all things angel and listening to Castiel over his own brother. He didn't trust Sam, I get that. Sam was lying to him. I'm not excusing Sam here. Not at all. Though I do see why Sam felt the need to lie - because if Dean knew the truth, Sam would lose his brother. Sam knew that. So, he kept his mouth shut. Of course, he lost his brother anyway. Also, a friend of mine mentioned this a while back to me. When Dean holds something back, Sam always somehow finds a way to make Dean talk - eventually. I guess when they were kids, Dean never really had to do that. So, he never learned how to get Sam to open up to him. I'm sure Dean actually wanted to get Sam to talk to him this season. But he had no idea how to get through to Sam. I thought that was an excellent point.
So, what's the point of this whole very long, very incoherent post? First of all, Dean should have seen this coming. But more importantly... it's been a very long time coming. Not to go all shrink-y here, but Sam's been bottling up his feelings and emotions for so long, it was only a matter of time before the whole thing exploded. Sam started drinking demon blood to get to Lilith. My guess is, the feeling of power, of being in control was pretty enticing to him as well. Not because he WANTS power. No. But because just like any other drug, it dulled his emotions. It gave him feelings to focus on versus the ones he wanted to push down and forget about. It provided him with a way to get his revenge on the demon he held responsible for all this pain he felt, for his brother's suffering, the very same demon who was now threatening the fate of all of humanity. And to beat her all Sam had to do was drink a little demon blood. So what if it changed him inside, if it turned him into something he hated? It was the price Sam was willing to pay. Still is. Anybody who thinks that Sam doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing, hasn't been watching the same show. Because he does. Those hallucinations he had? They're very telling in exactly what Sam's been thinking all this time. He sees himself as a monster. Has for a while. He knows this won't end well for him. He's sacrificing himself because in his mind it's worth it. Because in his mind he's cursed, damned no matter what. But others might have a chance. DEAN might have a chance.