Kinda suicidal post...
Ok...this is going to sound kinda suicidal, but I swear I'm not, this is just something I'm feeling lately and I just don't know why. I'm starting to miss Jess a lot, I mean I always do, but moreso now. Now I've always been one to take my medicine every day, not always on time, but I still took it which is the most important thing. I miss her so much and I dunno..a couple of days ago I thought to myself, I kinda wish I'd have a seizure. I kinda wish I'd have one, and I don't know...I guess we all don't know what will happen after we die, but I hope so much that I see her again. That I'll be with her again...and I said to myself, if I had a seizure, if I died the same way she did, would I see her again?
In saying that, I am in no way suicidal, I don't plan on not taking my medicine or trying to make me have a seizure...although I will say that I am guilty of doing that. Yes, that sounds horrible, but I have done it a couple of times. I was going through a hard time and just wanted to give up, I hated taking my medicine or I was mad at my mom cuz she made such a big deal out of it-which I guess it is. You know I am so controlled sometimes I wonder if I stopped taking my medicine would I seriously be fine? But then I get the seizure headaches and I know I probably wouldn't be if I just stopped for like a week. I'd probably be in a lot of trouble if I stopped for a week.
I've missed my medicine on purpose two days in a row once or twice, for the reasons above. I don't know, I just, so many crazy sucky things are happening in my life right now and it's easy to wanna just say fuck my medicine, fuck it all. My dad left, my mom cries fuckin everyday because of it, Christmas is coming and my family won't be around really at all. My best friend is gone, not just gone like she moved far away, but gone in that I'll never get to talk or see her again (physically alive anyway). And don't even get me started on school.
I just don't know what else to say, how else to feel except sad and depressed. Well, sorry for the suicidal-sounding post, but it's just how I feel damnit...
In saying that, I am in no way suicidal, I don't plan on not taking my medicine or trying to make me have a seizure...although I will say that I am guilty of doing that. Yes, that sounds horrible, but I have done it a couple of times. I was going through a hard time and just wanted to give up, I hated taking my medicine or I was mad at my mom cuz she made such a big deal out of it-which I guess it is. You know I am so controlled sometimes I wonder if I stopped taking my medicine would I seriously be fine? But then I get the seizure headaches and I know I probably wouldn't be if I just stopped for like a week. I'd probably be in a lot of trouble if I stopped for a week.
I've missed my medicine on purpose two days in a row once or twice, for the reasons above. I don't know, I just, so many crazy sucky things are happening in my life right now and it's easy to wanna just say fuck my medicine, fuck it all. My dad left, my mom cries fuckin everyday because of it, Christmas is coming and my family won't be around really at all. My best friend is gone, not just gone like she moved far away, but gone in that I'll never get to talk or see her again (physically alive anyway). And don't even get me started on school.
I just don't know what else to say, how else to feel except sad and depressed. Well, sorry for the suicidal-sounding post, but it's just how I feel damnit...