(no subject)
the other day, a friend told me that viewing depressingly artistic films makes him happy because he leaves the theater still carrying the emotion of the film with him. i really do not understand why one would wish to haul sadness around. for the entire day, i have been stuck in an emotional hole. all i have been doing is staring blankly into space, mostly looking downward. my lips occassionally quiver which of course is just a physical response to my emotions filling up inside, about to burst, but never quite reaching the threshold to release any tears. my stomach feels that awkward kind of twisted which typically results from intense nervousness (as occurs when caught doing something "bad"). ANyway, i guess i just can't fathom why anyone would actually desire to walk around with this evil feeling burrowing holes into every susceptible region of the mind/body. how is it pleasing to feel as if everything in the world that means something to you, truly means something, is quickly crumbling without any means of reparation? my fucking hands are shaking.
i don't understand anything. i wish that i could feign being this steel structure, incapable of any penetration by external forces, but i'm not. hardened? yes. heartless? no.
perhaps it has been far too long since i have had a good cry. why do i not want anyone to see me? in my lifetime, i believe that i have cried in front of a grand total of seven people, three of which being family members. i always hated being the one that had to be strong in the family. i fucking hate the way i was raised. whatever. bye.
i don't understand anything. i wish that i could feign being this steel structure, incapable of any penetration by external forces, but i'm not. hardened? yes. heartless? no.
perhaps it has been far too long since i have had a good cry. why do i not want anyone to see me? in my lifetime, i believe that i have cried in front of a grand total of seven people, three of which being family members. i always hated being the one that had to be strong in the family. i fucking hate the way i was raised. whatever. bye.