(no subject)
graduated from NYU with a bachelors degree in english and american literature, minor in irish studies.
father tells me he and mother are separating. i drink too much, do coke, and fool around with two people.
have fierce party at bonnie's roof. everyone comes. good times. bonnie can no longer have parties there.
begin job as manager of box office at new festival (NYC gay and lesbian film festival)
job proves incredibly stressful. stomach begins to hurt. realize that work is not for me. decide expedite application process to grad school.
develop a drinking problem.
smoke too much weed.
understand that my new addictions are products of post grad confusion.
currently on a month long trip to europe, because that is what priviledged post-grads do before entering the real world.
have cushy job set up in new york, where i will be the personal assistant to a manager of rap artists.
amsterdam - the weed is crazy. the city is beautiful.
paris - the people are bitchy, the food is amazing.
venice - the city is beautiful, the prices are ridiculous.
bonnie and i had a great time with these two british chaps. they were intelligent and wonderfully witty (assonance). they left. idiots remain in the current hostel. i cannot relate to idiots. they do not get my humor or my stories. to them, i am crazy. to intelligent people, i am clever. go figure. today, a girl was speaking about a 'conversation' she had with an aggressive deaf man. after a little banter she claims to have said 'LISTEN, i do not want to talk to you.' bonnie and i are still laughing about that. i hate jersey trash. there are a clique of them that hang together, lead by a polynesian princess named Joy. we call them the joy suck club. we are stupid at times.
i miss jamie. i am an alcoholic, as is he. it has the potential to ruin our relationship. i will not let it. he is my match, and i adore him. i never thought i would find someone to compliment me in such a perfect way. he's intelligent, witty, tolerant, and has the ability to make me smile and forgt my depression by simply walking into the room. THAT is love. or, in DC's words, 'that's love to me.'
david's ex, jared, traveled to argentina and italy and now claims that nyc is superficial. he is the most aweful person that i have ever met. nyc is now superficial because he went abroad (not hosteling like bonnie and i, but staying in ritzy hotels that waited on his trust fund ass hand and foot) and has garnered some pathetic insight into the true operations of the world. he is the reason that the world is crumbling. sorry david, this news upset me and i had to proclaim it. he's such a terrible person. truly sour.....
i look forward to future travels to florence, rome, and ireland. i miss ireland. i am meeting with a professor at UC Galway about their program in culture and colonialism. fuck. i need an out.
i have decided that kathy acker is a genius. finished 'blood and guts and high school.' READ IT! structurally, it is the most intelligent book, surpassing 'period'....well, maybe not, because both authors employ structural acrobatics in different ways. ah. i'll stop now. but i believe i might write about this book and use said piece to apply to grad school. who knows.
i am happy. i am sad. i am bipolar. i need therapy to rid myself of aggression. i need love to make myself sane. i am the last thing that anyone wants to be. yet, i am a priveldged twat, so fuck me and all of my rambling bullshit.
i just long for some sense of stablility. my life never lacks flux. i want it to just calm down for a moment, so that I could sit back and enjoy everything that i have experienced without having worry that i'm missing something in the present. moments cannot freeze, and cannot stand that. i wish that my language was more reflective of my intelligence. maybe i should not just freely write and instead take time to compose something worthwhile. maybe i hate myself. maybe i wish that i am somethign that i am not.
time to take a shower and cry, because i have drunk too much wine and miss jamie and miss my life and wish that i was special and wish that i could make something of myself and wish that i would stop doubting every action and wish that i would have tried harder (left nyu with a 3.62 - did not try in any map courses, have a 3.87 in all major-related courses), i wish that i wasn't terrified of being rejected from grad schools. i know that i am smart, but i did not try hard enough, ergo i will not be accepted into a good grad school. i will spend five years of my life at the cornflake college for fuck-ups. time for a shower, time for a cry.
nothing lasts forever. i wish that i didn't, but it seems like i will.
father tells me he and mother are separating. i drink too much, do coke, and fool around with two people.
have fierce party at bonnie's roof. everyone comes. good times. bonnie can no longer have parties there.
begin job as manager of box office at new festival (NYC gay and lesbian film festival)
job proves incredibly stressful. stomach begins to hurt. realize that work is not for me. decide expedite application process to grad school.
develop a drinking problem.
smoke too much weed.
understand that my new addictions are products of post grad confusion.
currently on a month long trip to europe, because that is what priviledged post-grads do before entering the real world.
have cushy job set up in new york, where i will be the personal assistant to a manager of rap artists.
amsterdam - the weed is crazy. the city is beautiful.
paris - the people are bitchy, the food is amazing.
venice - the city is beautiful, the prices are ridiculous.
bonnie and i had a great time with these two british chaps. they were intelligent and wonderfully witty (assonance). they left. idiots remain in the current hostel. i cannot relate to idiots. they do not get my humor or my stories. to them, i am crazy. to intelligent people, i am clever. go figure. today, a girl was speaking about a 'conversation' she had with an aggressive deaf man. after a little banter she claims to have said 'LISTEN, i do not want to talk to you.' bonnie and i are still laughing about that. i hate jersey trash. there are a clique of them that hang together, lead by a polynesian princess named Joy. we call them the joy suck club. we are stupid at times.
i miss jamie. i am an alcoholic, as is he. it has the potential to ruin our relationship. i will not let it. he is my match, and i adore him. i never thought i would find someone to compliment me in such a perfect way. he's intelligent, witty, tolerant, and has the ability to make me smile and forgt my depression by simply walking into the room. THAT is love. or, in DC's words, 'that's love to me.'
david's ex, jared, traveled to argentina and italy and now claims that nyc is superficial. he is the most aweful person that i have ever met. nyc is now superficial because he went abroad (not hosteling like bonnie and i, but staying in ritzy hotels that waited on his trust fund ass hand and foot) and has garnered some pathetic insight into the true operations of the world. he is the reason that the world is crumbling. sorry david, this news upset me and i had to proclaim it. he's such a terrible person. truly sour.....
i look forward to future travels to florence, rome, and ireland. i miss ireland. i am meeting with a professor at UC Galway about their program in culture and colonialism. fuck. i need an out.
i have decided that kathy acker is a genius. finished 'blood and guts and high school.' READ IT! structurally, it is the most intelligent book, surpassing 'period'....well, maybe not, because both authors employ structural acrobatics in different ways. ah. i'll stop now. but i believe i might write about this book and use said piece to apply to grad school. who knows.
i am happy. i am sad. i am bipolar. i need therapy to rid myself of aggression. i need love to make myself sane. i am the last thing that anyone wants to be. yet, i am a priveldged twat, so fuck me and all of my rambling bullshit.
i just long for some sense of stablility. my life never lacks flux. i want it to just calm down for a moment, so that I could sit back and enjoy everything that i have experienced without having worry that i'm missing something in the present. moments cannot freeze, and cannot stand that. i wish that my language was more reflective of my intelligence. maybe i should not just freely write and instead take time to compose something worthwhile. maybe i hate myself. maybe i wish that i am somethign that i am not.
time to take a shower and cry, because i have drunk too much wine and miss jamie and miss my life and wish that i was special and wish that i could make something of myself and wish that i would stop doubting every action and wish that i would have tried harder (left nyu with a 3.62 - did not try in any map courses, have a 3.87 in all major-related courses), i wish that i wasn't terrified of being rejected from grad schools. i know that i am smart, but i did not try hard enough, ergo i will not be accepted into a good grad school. i will spend five years of my life at the cornflake college for fuck-ups. time for a shower, time for a cry.
nothing lasts forever. i wish that i didn't, but it seems like i will.