Thoughts
It has been quite the busy week as of late no make that over five months. I am very happy to have a job and a Jeep to get me places whether it be for work or for fun and some money in my pocket to pay for various expenses though I am lucky to not have that many bills. I’ve been overly stressed lately with work, classes, fam stuff and personal things so to say it’s been wearing on me is putting it mildly. Probably why I had a bad cold in which I lost my voice and was short of breath for about a week. Thank goodness my voice came back though it was interesting and yet draining to try to speak to customers above a whisper for a while. Been a while since I’ve had a summer cold and one where I came close to losing my voice. Then shortly after I got over the cold there was a lot of pressure in my head and I had a bloody nose that wasn’t easy to stop. Thankfully it did.
My sister and I had quite the fight a few days ago. Lately she’s been gone a lot with her friend and going to see her boyfriend which is fine. She’s 18 now and I can understand wanting to go on road trips and what not. I wasn’t in the best of moods when she texted me but I had a feeling I knew what she was going to ask. Instead of beating around the bush, I outright told her that I wasn’t going to take her friend home who was spending a couple of days at the house and I wasn’t taking my sis to her boyfriend’s. I have no problem whatsoever with my sis’s boyfriend and actually I think he’s pretty cool. But he lives over an hour away and it is not cheap to drive my Jeep to where he lives, not to mention my Jeep has close to 300,000 miles. She blew up at me, told me to screw off (used something harsher but won’t say it here), said I spend more time with a cousin than I do her, that my cousin isn’t my sis, she is and well pretty much just blew up my phone with texts. When I tried to defend myself she called me a biotch and just basically said some things that not only hurt but made me angry. I will put up with a lot of things but when backed into a corner I will fight back. Sometimes I feel as though my sis and I are on completely different planets. She’s used to things being a certain way while I learned over the years to try to be flexible and fairly easy going. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister but her blowing up at me like that threw me.
After work on Friday I checked in the paper to see if there might be a place for rent that was affordable but didn’t have much luck. To say it’s been frustrating trying to find a place of my own is putting it mildly. I need my own space and personal time that I am not getting living with family. I appreciate that they took me in when I had nowhere else to go but I need a place to go where I don’t have to be around by people if I’m not in the mood to.
I seemed to be crying almost at the drop of a hat today but I’m not fully what brought it around. Reading some emails that were very personal to me probably didn’t help matters, especially the feelings they brought back. Knowing I shouldn’t read some things and reading them anyways are two very different things. I was blasting music into my ears partly to try to get some reading done for a class and partly to drown out the sounds of fighting. If you ask me what the fighting was about, I really don’t know. I did hear raised voices but that just had me turning up the volume even more. It probably went on for a couple of hours and it resulted in them going into separate rooms. Ok well stepdad going into the bedroom and mom going outside to sit in her car *sighs*. My stepdad was not only drinking but in a mood and had it in his head to try to let all the dogs loose in the house. Thank goodness he didn’t follow through but boy was he being uh… something else.
I really am very tired of the drama and of keeping it to myself. It has been so long since I’ve been able to say fully what is on my mind to well… anyone or anything for that matter. Most of the time I don’t have the time to sit down and write things plus I tend to feel silly even writing things down to complain. Sometimes I really want to email a friend of mine who I used to talk to just about everyday. Part of the reason I don't is when I go to write, my mind goes blank and the other factor is not having much time to do those things. When certain aspects of my life change, I am usually thrown for a loop and feel like I'm just drinking. Part of this I think has to do with not having a port in the storm to keep me steady so to speak. This isn’t the life that I had planned and I certainly don’t want to be doing the same thing for the rest of my life, let alone continuing to be alone. I just honestly don’t know if or when I will have someone again. My relationships have pretty much gone down the toilet in the last three years. I may not understand why they did but I just know I don’t want to have to wait decades for that right person to come along. Or maybe I already met him and I just didn’t see it. I want something… better…. For life to be much more adventurous and lively.
Here’s hoping life still has some great things in store for me and this is a stepping stone towards the right path. I would type more but my brain is getting fuzzy and my eyelids are getting heavy.
Slainte
~
My sister and I had quite the fight a few days ago. Lately she’s been gone a lot with her friend and going to see her boyfriend which is fine. She’s 18 now and I can understand wanting to go on road trips and what not. I wasn’t in the best of moods when she texted me but I had a feeling I knew what she was going to ask. Instead of beating around the bush, I outright told her that I wasn’t going to take her friend home who was spending a couple of days at the house and I wasn’t taking my sis to her boyfriend’s. I have no problem whatsoever with my sis’s boyfriend and actually I think he’s pretty cool. But he lives over an hour away and it is not cheap to drive my Jeep to where he lives, not to mention my Jeep has close to 300,000 miles. She blew up at me, told me to screw off (used something harsher but won’t say it here), said I spend more time with a cousin than I do her, that my cousin isn’t my sis, she is and well pretty much just blew up my phone with texts. When I tried to defend myself she called me a biotch and just basically said some things that not only hurt but made me angry. I will put up with a lot of things but when backed into a corner I will fight back. Sometimes I feel as though my sis and I are on completely different planets. She’s used to things being a certain way while I learned over the years to try to be flexible and fairly easy going. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister but her blowing up at me like that threw me.
After work on Friday I checked in the paper to see if there might be a place for rent that was affordable but didn’t have much luck. To say it’s been frustrating trying to find a place of my own is putting it mildly. I need my own space and personal time that I am not getting living with family. I appreciate that they took me in when I had nowhere else to go but I need a place to go where I don’t have to be around by people if I’m not in the mood to.
I seemed to be crying almost at the drop of a hat today but I’m not fully what brought it around. Reading some emails that were very personal to me probably didn’t help matters, especially the feelings they brought back. Knowing I shouldn’t read some things and reading them anyways are two very different things. I was blasting music into my ears partly to try to get some reading done for a class and partly to drown out the sounds of fighting. If you ask me what the fighting was about, I really don’t know. I did hear raised voices but that just had me turning up the volume even more. It probably went on for a couple of hours and it resulted in them going into separate rooms. Ok well stepdad going into the bedroom and mom going outside to sit in her car *sighs*. My stepdad was not only drinking but in a mood and had it in his head to try to let all the dogs loose in the house. Thank goodness he didn’t follow through but boy was he being uh… something else.
I really am very tired of the drama and of keeping it to myself. It has been so long since I’ve been able to say fully what is on my mind to well… anyone or anything for that matter. Most of the time I don’t have the time to sit down and write things plus I tend to feel silly even writing things down to complain. Sometimes I really want to email a friend of mine who I used to talk to just about everyday. Part of the reason I don't is when I go to write, my mind goes blank and the other factor is not having much time to do those things. When certain aspects of my life change, I am usually thrown for a loop and feel like I'm just drinking. Part of this I think has to do with not having a port in the storm to keep me steady so to speak. This isn’t the life that I had planned and I certainly don’t want to be doing the same thing for the rest of my life, let alone continuing to be alone. I just honestly don’t know if or when I will have someone again. My relationships have pretty much gone down the toilet in the last three years. I may not understand why they did but I just know I don’t want to have to wait decades for that right person to come along. Or maybe I already met him and I just didn’t see it. I want something… better…. For life to be much more adventurous and lively.
Here’s hoping life still has some great things in store for me and this is a stepping stone towards the right path. I would type more but my brain is getting fuzzy and my eyelids are getting heavy.
Slainte
~