Four Words to Change Someone's Perspective in a Matter of Minutes
My life has taken a series of rather interesting twists as of late that even during Summer of 09 I hadn’t expected to be where I am right now. At the beginning of January I took a train ride to NC which was rather bittersweet once I thought about it because the last time I left NC I was so sure that I’d return to NC married and with a child or a child on the way but ah well it was not meant to be for the time being it would seem. I came to visit my friend mostly because a little over two years ago we joked how we’d become pregnant at the same time, driving our boyfriends nuts with our various cravings and midnight runnings for ice and whatever else would sound good to us. We’d even go into labor at the same time and have our kids born not that far apart. Ah what a lovely thought it was at the time. So I thought that just because I wasn’t going to be having a baby, why not go keep my friend company as I’m sure she could really use having someone from WI bring her comfort and because there was a small part of me that missed NC. So here I am in NC and it’s past 3 am but I can’t seem to sleep because there’s so much on my mind and heart at the moment. Shortly after coming down I became sick though I thought it was mostly just from eating too late as my friend and her boyfriend tend to eat late at night and I was trying to adapt to that which wasn’t working out very well. After not being able to eat for two days and praying to the porcelain god three times of what little had been left in my stomach and dealing with quite a bit of pain, I finally decided to go into the ER. I procrastinated because I hate the thought of being stuck with needles, waiting hours to see a doc and then to come find out that they really aren’t sure what’s wrong. But I really wanted to know what was going on and I’d never been to Onslow Memorial for myself so maybe they could figure something out. My friend’s roomie Amelia drove me to the ER which I was very grateful for because I wasn’t so sure about driving there and back, especially after possible blood tests. I really wanted my friend to go with me but I could understand her not wanting to be around all the possibly sick people in the ER, not to mention she’s getting over something herself. So after waiting three hours Amelia and I were finally led to a room and for once I was very happy to do my business with a cup since I’d been waiting three hours and I felt ready to burst. The nurse asked a few questions, stepped out and in walked the doctor. She asked questions as well and she said the words I’d dreaded which had to deal with being poked with a needle and have blood drawn. But what made me more nervous was her mentioning how it was going to be done through an IV. I am not sure if I had an IV when I was a kid but as much as I could remember I couldn’t remember having an IV done and I was nervous of the pain but I could understand why an IV would be needed as I was likely dehydrated and would be best to try to give me medicine as directly as possible. I was so nervous and had to turn my head away while squeezing Amelia’s hands because I couldn’t watch the needle being inserted which was surprisingly not that painful and then when blood was drawn as I tend to get woozy seeing my own blood filling up a tube. So after filling up about four tubes the nurse secured the IV and then proceeded to add an anti nausea medicine call Zofran which I guess it often given to pregnant women. I was then given Pepcid AC as I’d been experiencing some heartburn. This had to be pushed through slowly and mixed with the saline as apparently it can be quite harsh given directly to the veins. I was warned that my arm might feel a bit cold and they were right. It was an odd sensation as it felt like something was blowing cool air on my arm though it wasn’t really an unpleasant feeling. After an hour of watching Roadhouse, trying not to get sick as the bed was being rocked a bit bc Amelia was moving her feet, and my lower back was starting to get sore, the doc came back in with the tests results. She said that it was a stomach virus that I’d been experiencing. She then proceeded to give me instructions such as a diet of bland foods and drinks to slowly build my system back up though I could have jello and popsicle sticks. I was also given a prescription for anti nausea and it was advised that if I had more heartburn to pick up a packet of Pepcid AC. I’d hoped that something would be given for the pain but ah well atleast it wasn’t as bad as the night before. A nurse then came in and carefully removed the adhesive and the needle which wasn’t that painful to be removed and by the time I looked, there was a bandage on it. I was so relieved to finally get up and be able to leave though I got up slowly so as not to fall over and hurt myself as I sometimes get a bit woozy after having blood drawn from me. It was cool and kind of rainy out though I didn’t mind as fresh air tends to help me feel a bit better anyways. So we made it back to my friend’s house where I curled up on the chaise and called my mom, letting her know what was going on. I didn’t talk long to her as I was tired and I took one of the pills just in case I happened to feel woozy the next morning.
The next day I was feeling a bit better though I really didn’t feel like doing much. I mostly just layed around on a chair and tried not to move too much. I did manage to eat a few spoonfuls of rice and I was frustrated that it was plain and that I couldn’t seem to eat any more than that as I’m used to eating a lot more but I didn’t want to push myself either. I wanted some wonton soup so badly as well as jello and apple juice and well a number of things. We were out of toilet paper and I had planned to go to the store early but I felt really run down. Finally after it became dark I borrowed Amelia’s jeep and got up the oomph to get out and get some things. I went one of the nearest stores which is a Family Dollar. I picked up a pack of toilet paper and noodles then went to see what I could find for myself. I picked out jello, apple sauce, a box of chicken noodle soup, a can of broth,, and apple juice. I was so happy to be getting these things as I’d really been craving something other than really bland food. Well unfortunately my debit card wasn’t working which I thought was rather odd. I felt really embarrassed and asked where the nearest ATM was which I found out was a couple of blocks or so the opposite way. So I got in the jeep and drove to the gas station while talking to my dad on the phone as he‘d called which was quite a feat. I was sitting at the stop lights, explaining the night before and he commented that though he hadn‘t know that I hadn‘t eaten for two days that atleast it was a start on my diet… I didn‘t know how to respond to that.. Though I must say that it was hard to hear that and honestly it stung that he seemed more concerned about my losing weight at that moment than the fact that I‘d unhealthily not been eating for two days but I decided to just let it go as I needed to worry about driving anyways. And besides his usual comments to my not feeling well will say something about it having to do with my weight and my unhealthy eating habits. Mind you it usually has to deal with that but doesn’t make me feel any better to hear that though in his own way he is concerned.. So I managed to pull into the gas station and park while still talking to my dad. I prayed that my card would work but again it wasn’t working. My dad asked why I hadn’t called the bank to which I didn’t know how to respond. Telling him that I hadn’t was due to my not feeling well probably wouldn’t have been a good enough excuse. Though I don’t know why at 24 years old I still think I have to come up with semi logical excuses as to why I do certain things or why I don’t but for some reason my dad often brings out the kid in me but not always the easy going side. Anyways I decided to try it another way so grabbed a ginger ale. Dad had gotten on another topic which I was relieved about and then asked if I could call him back as it was rude not to have my full attention on him or any one that may call. So we said our farewells and I put my focus on the task before me. Come to find out the gas station couldn’t help me. I’d had the soda tucked under my arm and almost every time I go there I tend to get a soda so didn’t think much of it. I got to the jeep before I realized what I had and felt like smacking myself. So I turned around, walked back in and set the soda on the counter, apologizing profusely though apparently the attendee hadn’t noticed and I was directed to some Kangaroo gas station that’s down the street and around the corner. All the while driving there I prayed fervently that I wouldn’t run out of gas as I didn’t know how much was in the tank, nor did I have any cash on me to put more gas in should it run out.
Thankfully I made it there without the jeep sounding like it wanted to run out of gas. I tried again at the ATM but no luck. I was so frustrated and asked someone at the front desk but they couldn’t help me either. I went back out to the jeep and called my friend. She suggested I try buying something and see if it would work that way. So I went back in, grabbed a Ginger ale and attempted to pay for it but with no luck. I felt like banging my head on the desk in frustration but instead but the soda back and went out to the Jeep. I called my friend though she couldn’t really help me elsewhere and said I might as well come back. I hung up the phone and leaned against the steering wheel for a while as my lower back was bothering me, I wasn’t feeling well and I just felt defeated. After a couple of minutes I pulled myself together, sent a silent prayer that I’d get back without running out of gas and made my way slowly back to my friend’s place.
I was so relieved when I pulled in and shut off the engine. I felt like an idiot though as I walked in though my friend didn’t say much. She was on my laptop as she’d texted me early for permission to which I’d said she could. I sat on the chaise with a pillow against my lower back and it was difficult to move. She was looking at possible houses. I managed to move to the couch to see better what she was looking at. There were some really nice houses for sale though most of them were really pricey. After a few minutes my friend handed over my laptop. I sat on the couch for a while on it was my back was still bothering me and I didn’t want to move too much. When the battery became less than half though I forced myself to move and plug in my laptop. I was tired though so I didn’t stay on long, shut it off and decided to just head to bed.
The next day was just one frustration after another and I didn’t know quite what to do with myself. I was hungry so had a bowl of plain cereal and milk, thinking that it should go ok with my stomach. It didn’t go so well though and took a while for it to settle down. I kept on praying that I wouldn’t get sick as I was tired of getting sick and I wanted to keep food inside me. Finally after a few hours my stomach settled but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to eat anything else for a while. I was thirsty so watered down some orange juice though would seem even watering it down didn’t stop it from giving me heartburn. I was so frustrated about everything in general while feeling homesick at the same time. Things hadn’t been turning out at all like I’d expected and it felt like I couldn’t do much about the current state of things. I was frustrated about having to be on not only a bland diet but not being able to eat much. Frustrated that my friend wasn’t asking if I needed anything or coming in and sitting with me to keep my company. I was frustrated that my card wasn’t working and that there weren’t a lot of bland foods in the house to snack on and I wouldn’t be able to buy my own food until my new card comes in. Frustrated that the trip wasn’t turning out at all like I’d expected. I was feeling restless, irritated, sad, homesick, sick and just plain ugh. So finally I told mom all my frustrations which I think surprised her. I don’t even remember half of what I told her though it was a lot. She suggested that I take the first train home to which I said I couldn’t due to being sick and that taking the ride in my current state would only make me sicker. I was also frustrated due to not talking to a couple of friends, not quite sure what to make of my current situation and the song I was listening to wasn’t helping matters. I’d been listening to my personal list of songs and Dishwalla’s- Every Little Thing happened to pop on. I started crying as that song tends to get to me and it’s a personal sore spot for me due to the history of the song. Someone once dedicated the song to me and I found myself wondering why the song had to come back and haunt me right at that moment, not to mention the memories that I was associating with that song. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and just sob my heart’s content for a bit but I pulled myself together and figured if I wanted to cry I could try another time. I was ok after a few hours and by then I was annoyed by the questions and what not that mom was asking me on IM. I love her but sometimes she asks just too much and sometimes I just don’t know how to respond. My friend came in, asking if I was alright and I said that I was still in some pain but I thought I was a bit better. She then said that I seemed a bit puffy and asked if maybe I was retaining water. Well that didn’t make me feel very good though instead I told her maybe. That’s not exactly the smartest thing to say to your sick friend especially since she knew I was feeling a bit sensitive but oh well. She turned on the National Treasure movie after a while. Mom went to bed around 10, saying that she was going to send out a package of stuff in the morning for me, including my new debit card. I curled up in the chair with a pillow while watching the movie. When it came near its end I was very tired so curled up and I think I fell asleep for a bit because when I looked up, it was quiet and it was sometime after 1 am. So I hauled myself off to bed, remembering to take an anti nausea pill.
I woke up in the morning feeling groggy as I’d had some rather strange dreams and I felt odd. I thought to myself.. Oh no.. don’t tell me I’ve received a gift from mother nature but of course I had. I thought to myself.. Just great.. Another thing to add to my list of why I’m sick and miserable. But I forced myself to get up and go take a shower as I thought it might help me feel better. I didn’t by much though as my back was sore from standing, my legs were swollen and the water was hard on my stomach but I forced myself to stand there and knew that I’d thank myself later for doing that. I was so happy though to turn off the water and sit down. I haven’t a clue why I felt so sore though it could have been due to a number of things. I managed to make myself get dressed and forced myself to find something to eat. I found some apple sauce and ate I think a quarter cup full, maybe less. It went down smoothly though which I was grateful for. I decided to stick with ice water to drink. I parked myself on the chaise and loaded up my laptop. Mom came on shortly afterwards with her usual greeting of have you been on long? Or she’ll ask if I just got up. She told me that she’d sent out a package containing pudding, jello, a pack of ramen noodles, raspberry, peach and lemonade kool aide as well as my debit card. It’s supposed to arrived Monday or Tuesday and whatever I don’t finish to bring back with me. She then proceeded to talk my ear off as she normally does though I’ve learned that if I seem like I’m atleast semi paying attention she’s ok with that. I was feeling pretty rotten and not in the best of moods though was trying not to show it. My friend was sleeping most of the day as being this far along it tends to wear her out. Later in the afternoon she asked me to take out the dogs and then left with her boyfriend. I didn’t know where they were going and a bit of me was annoyed that she hadn’t asked if I’d wanted something or to possibly tag along though I didn’t say that. Lately I’ve been feeling excluded from a lot of things but I’ve tried to remember that I can’t be included in on everything and it’s not like I’m being deliberately left in the dark. I left the dogs out near dark time and stood on the porch to watch them as it was rainy and cold. That’s what the weather is mostly like around here this time of year apparently- rainy and cold. I wanted to go back inside but wanted to give the dogs enough time to go to the bathroom as well. Finally after about 15 min or so all the dogs had done their business and I could bring them inside. I was hungry so scrounged through the cupboards, trying to find something that might go down ok. The rice I’d made the day before seemed just too hard so decided to make a new small batch. This time I made it much smaller and thought to add a bit of lemon juice. Surprisingly it turned out quite well with some lemon, salt and pepper. It was a lot easier to eat and it settled ok with my stomach.
I relaxed back in the chaise with the laptop on my lap. I was full though not stuffed and was feeling a lil bit better. I sat there for a while trying to sort my inventory in SL while talking to mom which trying to do both at the same time isn’t not an easy feat and I was getting a bit frustrated. I know she worries about me but telling me things about what I shouldn’t or shouldn’t be doing while sick isn’t helping me feel any better nor pointing out about my lack of being informed about recent events. I just sighed and willed myself to have patience though I really didn’t need to have it pointed out about some recent obvious things.
What would happen a few hours later though would change my perspective on things quite a bit.
A school pal of mine that I’d lost contact with after high school suddenly left a message on my face book. She’d said the dreaded C word- cancer.. But what really got to me was when she said it was in stage five of bone cancer and that she’d just found out yesterday. I wanted to cry and found myself wondering how such a nice person as her could get such a cruel cancer.. She said she was in a lot of pain and when she said she didn’t even want to be born and why was this happening to her my heart went out to her… apparently she can’t be given much for the pain… so she has to mostly suffer through it. I felt like a jerk though for not making an effort sooner to contact her. No one deserves cancer and to go through bone cancer in particular is not only painful but scary. It really put into perspective that my trying to get over the stomach flu and other things really weren’t so big compared to what my friend was going through. The doctors didn’t not say how long she may have and I don’t know the states of bone cancer nor how strong it is though I do know that they are trying with chemo to see if that might help. It made her really sick though thankfully by the time she went home she was feeling better. I don’t know if it’s going to make her hair fall out or if she’s going to keep with the treatment or what’s going to happen. It’s so… strange to know that one of your friends who is close to your age is having to go through such a … rough cancer and that far as I know there’s no cure for. Not that any cancer is easy on the body but I’ve see what it can do for a person and it’s not a pretty thing. I hope though that the doctors are able to not only help find the least painful way to help slow down the cancer but to also help with the pain. She was offered the chance to stay in the hospital but she wanted to be at home near family which I can understand. She really is such a sweet person and the fact that she has some special mental needs doesn’t bother me. I’m not sure what to do to help her but I want to try to be there for her as much as I can. She’s going to need all the support she can get though I hope that she’s given quite a time to get the chance to say her farewells to family and friends and be able to do a few things that she’d really like to do. I think later I will break down crying but right now I’m kind of still in that shocked state. The last person who had to leave was Tiff though she didn’t die of cancer but still, most don’t expect the younger ones to go before the older ones. It’s times like these that I really would like to have some support from a significant other and maybe even some…insight. I’m not sure who to ask about all this stuff and though I wasn’t close to this girl… it’s not going to be easy to watch her go through all this pain and possible chemo and even harder to see her get weaker and weaker as the cancer spreads and she goes. Bone cancer though tends to be quick depending on the state of it but no one really knows just how much time she may have left and I know that she’s scared.. I’m going to miss her…and I know that her other friends and family will as well. I’m kicking myself for not making an effort to stay in contact with her more but what counts is the fact that I’m making more of an effort now and she even has my cell number now so that she can text me. My plan is to stay until early March as my pregnant friend is to have her baby sometime this month. I want to see them both healthy, take lots of pics and then leave in early March to get back to WI to try to see my other friend as much as I can and to get ready for a cousin’s wedding which will be on the 13 and I’ll be spending a few days with her and her fiance and their daughter. It will be… interesting to say the least. Then after that it will be back to my hometown for who knows how long.. Hopefully I’ll be able to get a job, maybe get my own place, possibly my own car, all the while trying to be there for my friend who has bone cancer and try to save up money to possibly go to Denmark in the summer. I have a passport now, just need to get the money for a plane ticket and enough money to last me a week oh and to get up the guts to tell my friends and family that they can‘t dissuade me from going there and it will only be for a week. So I have quite the plateful ahead of me and I really hope that my friend will have more than just this year to be able to do things. I don’t want her to suffer but I want her to be given as much time as possible to be able to do things that she’d been wanting to do. And I’m not quite sure how I’m going to keep my head above all of these things I have before me though I suppose one step at a time will just have to do for now. *sighs* It sure would be nice though to have a shoulder to lean on as it’s all a bit overwhelming because I could really use that shoulder and arms around me right about now.. and I don’t want to waste any possible time..
So if anyone has any possible input.. Feel free to comment.. I’d best head to bed, it’s after 4:30 am here and my eyes are so blurry.
God Bless/Slainte and may you all stay in good health. Please send out a prayer or two for my friend and her family…they could really use a miracle or two…
~M