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this is hard. okay so i know i haven't updated in a long ass time, but i really just wanna write about this because i'm having a hard time with it right now. my birthday is friday. and every birthday for the past 15 years i've wondered if he was going to remember, if he was going to call. i'd get really down and confused and just...kinda anti-social. but this year, i have nothing to wonder about. because he's dead. this year's different than all the last. i cant cry and say, maybe he forgot. or he just doesn't care. this year...he's gone. it was so easy when he was alive. to hate him that is. i had JUST finished the letter i'd written him 2 days before my mom got the call. i guess i just felt that he needed to know wat he was missing. i wanted him to know that yeah, like everyone else i've had my fair share of screw ups...but i am worth knowing. and i'm loved by so many people and i have the best family, boyfriend and friends in the world. and he missed out. but everythings different now. and even tho its been 2 1/2 months since he's died, i still think about it all every day. and in a way, i'm pissed. i never had the chance to say everything i wanted to say. i never had a chance to make him feel like shit. like he was worthless. like he made me feel. when his dad, who i guess biologically is my grandfather, called my mom, he told her to tell me that it wasnt that he didnt love me. it was that he loved the bottle more. i'm not even 20 years old yet. its so unfair. i didnt have any choice in the matter. they didnt even call me until a week after he'd died and the funeral was over. i guess they wanted to keep me away. not cause any type of trouble. i dont even know how they FOUND us. i was the only one of his kids NOT mentioned in the obituary. his other 4 kids were. my older brother who he had with his first wife, dennis. and his 3 kids with his 3rd wife, kevin, kathleen and kyle. i doubt they even know about me. watever. things are different now. i feel a little better.