(no subject)
so i'm here at kyra's. i've been here since last sunday. it's been a pretty good trip, full of ups and downs like any other time i'm with kyra. for the most part, it's been fun though. we've gone shopping, eaten out and got gabriel's picture taken with the easter bunny.
mitch has called a couple of times. he's doing all right. he's only on the main base once a week or so, which sucks because in the meantime he has no running water, real electricity (they run off a generator) and he has no access to the phone. although he should be getting internet here pretty soon, hopefully.
lately, i've been plagued with really low self-esteem in terms of how i look. everyone keeps telling me that i look great for having just had a baby, but i'm still struggling with my new figure. i feel like i look so big and i really don't and the rational side of me knows that but i still have doubts about how i look. it's mostly my hips and stomach that i hate the most. the problem is that i haven't been able to get back to the gym because i have no one who can watch gabriel. i have to wait until laura moves onto post in may and then we're going to take turns watching the boys so that we can go to the gym. i'm excited about that but i still have to wait. i think the hard part is that i've never had to work at keeping my body looking good and now that i have to, i'm not taking it very well. and i know that's stupid, but my insecurities sometimes get the best of me. mitch thinks i still look good and i guess that's all that matters but it's still something i'm dealing with and sometimes not very well. i'm usually so confidant and now i'm so critical of myself. i don't want to be someone who becomes obsessed with their weight or how they look but it's like i can't help it. i'm hoping i'll feel better once i start going to the gym again and getting active once more. and hopefully, i can start to like my body again. i was just so naive about getting pregnant and what it would do to my body.
other than that, i'm good. everyday with gabriel is awesome. some days are rougher than others and i'm working on relaxing more, not getting so worked up and letting myself get overwhelmed. i have a temper and i recognize that so i'm working on controlling it. it's hard taking care of gabriel all on my own--this isn't exactly what i had in mind when i thought about having children. it's even harder not having mitch to just talk to on a daily basis. not only is he missing out on so much but any joy i experience is halved because he's not here to share it with me. so in a sense, something is taken from me too. i'm staying strong though and taking it a day at a time. mitch says i'm doing a good job so i'll take his word for it. sometimes, i feel like i'm doing good and other day, i feel like an absolute failure but i'm doing the best i can and i guess that's all i can do. well this has gone on long enough but i needed to get it out and i feel much better nwo.
mitch has called a couple of times. he's doing all right. he's only on the main base once a week or so, which sucks because in the meantime he has no running water, real electricity (they run off a generator) and he has no access to the phone. although he should be getting internet here pretty soon, hopefully.
lately, i've been plagued with really low self-esteem in terms of how i look. everyone keeps telling me that i look great for having just had a baby, but i'm still struggling with my new figure. i feel like i look so big and i really don't and the rational side of me knows that but i still have doubts about how i look. it's mostly my hips and stomach that i hate the most. the problem is that i haven't been able to get back to the gym because i have no one who can watch gabriel. i have to wait until laura moves onto post in may and then we're going to take turns watching the boys so that we can go to the gym. i'm excited about that but i still have to wait. i think the hard part is that i've never had to work at keeping my body looking good and now that i have to, i'm not taking it very well. and i know that's stupid, but my insecurities sometimes get the best of me. mitch thinks i still look good and i guess that's all that matters but it's still something i'm dealing with and sometimes not very well. i'm usually so confidant and now i'm so critical of myself. i don't want to be someone who becomes obsessed with their weight or how they look but it's like i can't help it. i'm hoping i'll feel better once i start going to the gym again and getting active once more. and hopefully, i can start to like my body again. i was just so naive about getting pregnant and what it would do to my body.
other than that, i'm good. everyday with gabriel is awesome. some days are rougher than others and i'm working on relaxing more, not getting so worked up and letting myself get overwhelmed. i have a temper and i recognize that so i'm working on controlling it. it's hard taking care of gabriel all on my own--this isn't exactly what i had in mind when i thought about having children. it's even harder not having mitch to just talk to on a daily basis. not only is he missing out on so much but any joy i experience is halved because he's not here to share it with me. so in a sense, something is taken from me too. i'm staying strong though and taking it a day at a time. mitch says i'm doing a good job so i'll take his word for it. sometimes, i feel like i'm doing good and other day, i feel like an absolute failure but i'm doing the best i can and i guess that's all i can do. well this has gone on long enough but i needed to get it out and i feel much better nwo.