Four Weeks and Counting
I cannot believe how fast this time has come upon us. It seems like just yesterday we had found out and had no idea how we were going to handle it. Are we ready to bring a child into this world? I know that no one ever is, I just can`t help wishing that we had a little more time. So many things have popped up that need to be handled. How lucky am I that my insurance was up the 30th of September?? The new insurance company won`t cover preexssting medical "problems" such as pregnancy. I am going crazy. I shouldn`t have to be worrying about such things, and here it is the very last month where I could go into labor at any moment and I`m having to worry about how I will ever pay for this. I have had to make so many desicions over the past few months and I am beginning to wonder if I have made the right ones. I cried tonight because of something he said..."it`s here"... referring to all the baby stuff being at my house. It tears me up inside knowing that because I made the descion to stay at home he won`t be there all the time. It tears me up even more finding out how much it seems to have hurt him and I never even realized it. I`m so scared about having her now. What if things don`t turn out the way we want them to. What if relationships are torn apart. I want everything to stay the same...but I know that will be anything but the case. I am very excited at the same time. I`ve always wanted kids. Even though its happening earlier in my life than I ever anticipated, I am glad that it is happening with him. He means so much to me...not to get all mushy or anything..but he`s been there for me every second, standing up for me and always making sure I`m doing okay. He makes me feel wanted and beautiful even when I think I am fatter than I ever thought possible. His constant reassurance makes me feel better about every new day. I know when he holds his daughter for the first time while I`m looking at him by my side that I will fall apart, not because I`m sad, but because I know how much love he has inside of him and how much he will give his child. I keep playing that scene in my head and it just seems so beautiful to me He is working his butt off right now and its hard not being able to see him as much. I miss him and sometimes all I want and know that will make me feel better is his gentle embrace. I can`t imagine life without him in it. With every relationship there comes a time when it starts to become a little boring, but with him it hasn`t happened yet and I don`t know that it will for me. I truly hope that everything will work out and that our baby comes out as healthy as possible. I hope that all the desicions I have been making will turn out to be the right ones for this point in our lives no matter how much it tears us both up. I wish things were different, but we must work with what we have and make the best of it until something better comes along and we can make our lives the way we want them to be. I love him and I can`t wait to meet her and show her as much love and more.