"You'll find what you're looking for, because you're beautiful."

[irishale]

So I woke up this morning afternoon, and I just felt alone.

I can't seem to shake this.

It's not those moods I get in where I'm upset because I can't fix everything, where I'm said because people have died, or because things are shitty, or because I actually am alone.

I just have not felt so hollow in quite some time.

I woke up hollow when I went to bed happy, and I'm wondering why this happened.

My brain is working to find ways to pull me out of this. I can almost feel every single electric signal coursing over the grey matter. But none of my own ideas are good enough, because I still want to cry.

I want to, and I just can't.

I can't tell if I can't cry because I am physically unable to, or if I am subconsciously fighting tears, and just don't know it yet.

I hate this all so so so much.

I always wondered why I write things like this on a public journal, when I have a private one I could write it in just as easily. I suppose it's because I feel alone. If writing to a big world somehow quelled those feelings, I would be okay. Usually, this makes me feel more alone than when I started.

"It just makes me wonder - do I only touch you to feel you?"

I am trying to make myself feel better by telling myself that this is brain chemicals. That this is unbalanced brain chemicals. Like a kindergartener and a fifth grader on a see-saw. That this is going to go away, and I'm going to be alright.

I want so badly for me to be telling myself the truth.

I am so sick of being this gaping internal wound.

I'm so very tired of feeling the way I feel.