Hate to hear "I told you so"
I don't need a lot of things in a relationship, mostly just the basics i.e love, care, compassion, desire etc...but what if the basics are even too much?
What I've learned in this relationship insofar is that making excuses for people is never appropriate nor healthy. What's worse, is taking the excuses your significant other gives you and not only believing them, but playing along in order to convince yourself that maybe "if i was involved in the lie, I'm just as guilty, therefore the situation is legit". I'm done with that game. It's a hard habit to break, like swearing or biting your nails, but I'm willing to take the challenge.
I've always been one to aims to please. I'm overly nice, yearns to only see the good in people and again, makes excuses for the less desirable traits in a human. This relationship has really been nothing but that. I want him to be happy with me, i want him to love me, and care, and take care of me when I'm sick and sympathize when I'm sad/upset...just like i have been doing to him. Come to find out that perhaps he's just not that guy. Maybe its the amount of affection i show that driving him away or maybe he's just not as into me as he used to be, and in that case personally I'm fine with it as long as I'm told it. I want more.
But that's the key word here isn't it? WANT. The difference between want and need has been weighing heavily on my shoulders as of late and frankly I've come to a few revelations that may seem like excuses and in that case by all means fuck off.
I want sympathy. but who am i kidding? I don't NEED sympathy. I don't need anyone feeling sorry for me, im a strong grown woman who can take care of herself and deal with my problems accordingly.
I WANT to be taken care of when I'm sick. I don't NEED anyone taking care of me. worse comes to worse that's what my mom's for.
I WANT love/affection. Lets be real here, a big part of this is necessary in a relationship, but what i don't NEED is someone constantly telling me I'm pretty or that I'm loved, or kissing me every 10 minutes or phone calls to let me know they're thinking of me...is that shit nice and pretty and look good on paper? absolutely. Do i need it? nope.
I WANT to be given advise when I'm in a rut. I don't NEED it from anyone honestly. It provides perspective and and outside outlook on solutions and can provide a calming effect, but frankly in the end i always do what i want to do anyways so why take advice when all I'm going to do is disregard it anyway?
So Live journal, this is me, telling you, that I'm in this relationship for the long run, but frankly Its going completely backwards. Last night was great but i was itching for him to do, or not do, something that would give me yet again one more excuse just to end it. Now it's come to a point where i hate hearing the words "I told you so" in regards to dating him to begin with. Now perhaps im only in it to prove them wrong. That may be wrong in itself but frankly there's so many other things wrong here that its a mere menial blip on the conscious radar.
this is a start to a new era.
My guard has gone from completely non-existent and vulnerable, to completely up and padlocked. IS that any way to be in a relationship? i doubt it. Can't imagine it be healthy, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and if i have to be a cold-hearted bitch in the process, well, i cant say in a way, he didn't ask for it.
I'm leaving this public. why the hell not right?
What I've learned in this relationship insofar is that making excuses for people is never appropriate nor healthy. What's worse, is taking the excuses your significant other gives you and not only believing them, but playing along in order to convince yourself that maybe "if i was involved in the lie, I'm just as guilty, therefore the situation is legit". I'm done with that game. It's a hard habit to break, like swearing or biting your nails, but I'm willing to take the challenge.
I've always been one to aims to please. I'm overly nice, yearns to only see the good in people and again, makes excuses for the less desirable traits in a human. This relationship has really been nothing but that. I want him to be happy with me, i want him to love me, and care, and take care of me when I'm sick and sympathize when I'm sad/upset...just like i have been doing to him. Come to find out that perhaps he's just not that guy. Maybe its the amount of affection i show that driving him away or maybe he's just not as into me as he used to be, and in that case personally I'm fine with it as long as I'm told it. I want more.
But that's the key word here isn't it? WANT. The difference between want and need has been weighing heavily on my shoulders as of late and frankly I've come to a few revelations that may seem like excuses and in that case by all means fuck off.
I want sympathy. but who am i kidding? I don't NEED sympathy. I don't need anyone feeling sorry for me, im a strong grown woman who can take care of herself and deal with my problems accordingly.
I WANT to be taken care of when I'm sick. I don't NEED anyone taking care of me. worse comes to worse that's what my mom's for.
I WANT love/affection. Lets be real here, a big part of this is necessary in a relationship, but what i don't NEED is someone constantly telling me I'm pretty or that I'm loved, or kissing me every 10 minutes or phone calls to let me know they're thinking of me...is that shit nice and pretty and look good on paper? absolutely. Do i need it? nope.
I WANT to be given advise when I'm in a rut. I don't NEED it from anyone honestly. It provides perspective and and outside outlook on solutions and can provide a calming effect, but frankly in the end i always do what i want to do anyways so why take advice when all I'm going to do is disregard it anyway?
So Live journal, this is me, telling you, that I'm in this relationship for the long run, but frankly Its going completely backwards. Last night was great but i was itching for him to do, or not do, something that would give me yet again one more excuse just to end it. Now it's come to a point where i hate hearing the words "I told you so" in regards to dating him to begin with. Now perhaps im only in it to prove them wrong. That may be wrong in itself but frankly there's so many other things wrong here that its a mere menial blip on the conscious radar.
this is a start to a new era.
My guard has gone from completely non-existent and vulnerable, to completely up and padlocked. IS that any way to be in a relationship? i doubt it. Can't imagine it be healthy, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and if i have to be a cold-hearted bitch in the process, well, i cant say in a way, he didn't ask for it.
I'm leaving this public. why the hell not right?