So long since I've been introduced to myself
i used to write on lj multiple times a day, but over the years it has slowly dwindled to nothing.
this is probably due to a variety of reasons, the practice falling out of popularity as none of my friends continued to utilize it's cathartic resources and also due to lack of time what with going to college and trying desperately to make use of the money i was pouring into institutions of higher learning. i think perhaps the most likely cause of my no longer dumping my feelings and problems at the feet of my lj was because it has been a long time since i wanted to face the severity and truth of what my heart was telling me. so long i have stiffled what it was trying to tell me and keep it from communing with my mind because i knew they would battle, and the side i desperately didn't want to listen to would win with no question.
i find myself in a completely different place now than i have been in more than four years. i find myself eager for improvement and self reflection, i'm dying to get to know myself again. i'm dying to be proud of who i am again.
i've spent far too long listening to other people and having them assure me that i was a good person when i've come to fully realize the depth of their evil and what a horrible person they truly were. it terrifies me that at one point i was basing my moral compasses's accuracy on this person's magnetic pull. i'm not saying i regret everything. i think that would be stupid because i know very well that i loved every minute of it; however, that is not to say that i don't wish it could've ended differently ..... i do i wish that every day because then i might still have a great friend, i might still be able to have respect and hope and trust in this person, i might be able to look back over the memories happily instead of with a horrible taste in my mouth wondering about the lies packed away into the corners of pictures.
no time to dwell on that nonsense...
i'm so ready to LIVE live like i haven't in a really long time. live life my own way, following my own sense of the right rules. i want to pull myself back into a strong and dependent relationship with the Lord, i want to wake up every day eager to fullfill my goals and go to bed every night bursting with accomplishment and i want to do it for myself.
i want to push forward and not look back, i want to do everything without hesitation.. hard to beleive but i want adventure and spontaneity and all the things i used to hate. i want someone to break my plans, make me realize that sometimes the most fun comes in between the lines of an itinerary.
i'm so ready for my life to begin
to start learning again, to go back to school, to meet someone, to meet the someone
but
but
but
as much as i can't wait for this, my life is destined to be in a state of limbo for at least a few more months. i have so little concreteness in my life right now, nothing with which to start building a house... God himself advised against building a house on the sand and that's exactly where my rv is parked... on a white sandy beach.... without an ocean view, oh the irony
so what does this mean? why do i have so much restless desire and the inability to go, why did i tune my car up and not put gas in it?
perhaps God is trying to tell me that i'm not ready yet, that i still have a lot to learn, and while i can't argue with that my counter would absolutely be that i will always have a lot more to learn and i can't live life standing still... i feel like the only way i can get my life moving on the right track is to at least start moving... it's so much easier to turn a car while you're already driving than while you're parked.
i feel so contradicted, lost and found, eager and hesitant, smart and dumb..... how can i be both?
i can't be two sides of EVERYTHING..
at least i'd always win an argument with myself i suppose
i'm just so tired of having the same life, i want a different one so badly but i have nowhere to go yet.. i want to move on but i can only move so far while staying in the same place
i want a new apartment, a new town, a new school and i'm not willing to wait.. but i don't have a choice in the matter
i need a new life
and the patience with which to attain it
this is probably due to a variety of reasons, the practice falling out of popularity as none of my friends continued to utilize it's cathartic resources and also due to lack of time what with going to college and trying desperately to make use of the money i was pouring into institutions of higher learning. i think perhaps the most likely cause of my no longer dumping my feelings and problems at the feet of my lj was because it has been a long time since i wanted to face the severity and truth of what my heart was telling me. so long i have stiffled what it was trying to tell me and keep it from communing with my mind because i knew they would battle, and the side i desperately didn't want to listen to would win with no question.
i find myself in a completely different place now than i have been in more than four years. i find myself eager for improvement and self reflection, i'm dying to get to know myself again. i'm dying to be proud of who i am again.
i've spent far too long listening to other people and having them assure me that i was a good person when i've come to fully realize the depth of their evil and what a horrible person they truly were. it terrifies me that at one point i was basing my moral compasses's accuracy on this person's magnetic pull. i'm not saying i regret everything. i think that would be stupid because i know very well that i loved every minute of it; however, that is not to say that i don't wish it could've ended differently ..... i do i wish that every day because then i might still have a great friend, i might still be able to have respect and hope and trust in this person, i might be able to look back over the memories happily instead of with a horrible taste in my mouth wondering about the lies packed away into the corners of pictures.
no time to dwell on that nonsense...
i'm so ready to LIVE live like i haven't in a really long time. live life my own way, following my own sense of the right rules. i want to pull myself back into a strong and dependent relationship with the Lord, i want to wake up every day eager to fullfill my goals and go to bed every night bursting with accomplishment and i want to do it for myself.
i want to push forward and not look back, i want to do everything without hesitation.. hard to beleive but i want adventure and spontaneity and all the things i used to hate. i want someone to break my plans, make me realize that sometimes the most fun comes in between the lines of an itinerary.
i'm so ready for my life to begin
to start learning again, to go back to school, to meet someone, to meet the someone
but
but
but
as much as i can't wait for this, my life is destined to be in a state of limbo for at least a few more months. i have so little concreteness in my life right now, nothing with which to start building a house... God himself advised against building a house on the sand and that's exactly where my rv is parked... on a white sandy beach.... without an ocean view, oh the irony
so what does this mean? why do i have so much restless desire and the inability to go, why did i tune my car up and not put gas in it?
perhaps God is trying to tell me that i'm not ready yet, that i still have a lot to learn, and while i can't argue with that my counter would absolutely be that i will always have a lot more to learn and i can't live life standing still... i feel like the only way i can get my life moving on the right track is to at least start moving... it's so much easier to turn a car while you're already driving than while you're parked.
i feel so contradicted, lost and found, eager and hesitant, smart and dumb..... how can i be both?
i can't be two sides of EVERYTHING..
at least i'd always win an argument with myself i suppose
i'm just so tired of having the same life, i want a different one so badly but i have nowhere to go yet.. i want to move on but i can only move so far while staying in the same place
i want a new apartment, a new town, a new school and i'm not willing to wait.. but i don't have a choice in the matter
i need a new life
and the patience with which to attain it