feeling down
today was exhausting.
too much pressure, too much stress, too many things that could be manageable on their own ganging up on me til i just let myself get beat down because i couldn't take it anymore.
i'm jealous of the time all these other people get to spend with my closest friends. i love them more---why do these other people get them?
the cell phone crap got figured out but im upset that i didn't get to do what i wanted, which was learn how to be relied on to pay a monthly bill. i know, most kids would be glad they escaped this and im stupid. but i just wanted to see that i could do it. i wanted that. oh well. fifty bucks i get to keep every month, i suppose.
and i've just made one of the harder decisions i've made in a very long time. and im really, really anxious about it. i know it's the right thing but i can't help but feel i'm gonna get screwed somehow and im nervous as hell. what is right isn't always easy. remember that.
i have a vacation to look forward to. i need a vacation. i need a break. i need to relax.
tomorrow im going to start being less fat. im going to drink V8 splash to get myself healthy. im going to start exercising (pilates maybe? maybe just walking? situps for sure to get rid of the tummy im starting to get). i feel crappy about how i look. i know that im at a good weight but i can't help but feel that im soon going to surpass that and move into chubby, which, never having been, fills me with a horror and dread that makes me want to give up my food vices forever. but probably not enough. failure.
suffocating. that would be a good word for today. the good news, is that i feel the concluding voiceover approaching. that's important. soon and very soon. soon enough.
6.
too much pressure, too much stress, too many things that could be manageable on their own ganging up on me til i just let myself get beat down because i couldn't take it anymore.
i'm jealous of the time all these other people get to spend with my closest friends. i love them more---why do these other people get them?
the cell phone crap got figured out but im upset that i didn't get to do what i wanted, which was learn how to be relied on to pay a monthly bill. i know, most kids would be glad they escaped this and im stupid. but i just wanted to see that i could do it. i wanted that. oh well. fifty bucks i get to keep every month, i suppose.
and i've just made one of the harder decisions i've made in a very long time. and im really, really anxious about it. i know it's the right thing but i can't help but feel i'm gonna get screwed somehow and im nervous as hell. what is right isn't always easy. remember that.
i have a vacation to look forward to. i need a vacation. i need a break. i need to relax.
tomorrow im going to start being less fat. im going to drink V8 splash to get myself healthy. im going to start exercising (pilates maybe? maybe just walking? situps for sure to get rid of the tummy im starting to get). i feel crappy about how i look. i know that im at a good weight but i can't help but feel that im soon going to surpass that and move into chubby, which, never having been, fills me with a horror and dread that makes me want to give up my food vices forever. but probably not enough. failure.
suffocating. that would be a good word for today. the good news, is that i feel the concluding voiceover approaching. that's important. soon and very soon. soon enough.
6.