If nothing else, I'll always post poetry here

Jan 30, 2014 15:36

So my descent into the depths of J-Pop obsession has led to the writing of ode poetry. The only surprise here is that it took this long haha. And, I suppose, the subject. You'd think the one to break my writer's block would be Kame, my favorite human being alive, as seen in this post's icon. But no, it's Sakurai Sho. *sigh* This is still rough ( Read more... )

jpop, writing, writings

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darklucia February 4 2014, 21:45:42 UTC
Finally got away from my shit to go to your LJ and properly comment :) So here goes.

On this second read I have to say I think the poem is the right length and rhythm and covers enough stuff. The rhythm of the poem does make it seem like it could go on forever like tides, back and forth. The poem seems to come to a crescendo at line 1 of the last verse but doesn't really go back to the small waves? The more I read it, though, the more I like how it ended with that last verse.

I think my favorite verse was verse 3, especially lines 3-5. It is so easy to see exactly what you mean there.

But yeah, this poem is so natural sounding, like all those phrases could be used in actual sentences and it's just really cool :) I don't know if you deliberately or unconsciously added "and" more and more as the poem went on, but I think it contributes to the rush to the last verse line 1, and if I read it out loud slightly differently then I did the first few times I find myself reading those lines faster and faster. It really gives off the way thoughts just start to bubble to the surface until they boil over.

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irish_eyes11 February 5 2014, 00:10:33 UTC
YAY COMMENT! :)

I like the tides imagery, very cool. And I'm glad you like the ending! I'm rather fond of it myself.

On a re-read, I think that's also my favorite part haha. Along with the final stanza.

I'm glad it came out natural! That was the goal. And the "and" thing wasnt intentional, but I'm glad it works! The "I,I,I" was inspired by the fact that the previous stanzas all started with "I" haha, but it was also a good way to break the pattern and build to crescendo. :)

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