(no subject)
I just don't know anymore, shit I'm not even sure I care anymore. I don't know what to do. I know what I want but like that's ever going to fucking happen. All I get is advice I don't want. Everybody always in my business trying to tell me how to live my life. *~*NO YOU DON'T COUNT BRITTY*~* It's everyone else, I'm tired of it. People don't get it, I'm not going to do what they tell me to because I'm not ready to give up. Haven't you ever wanted that one thing so bad but it was still an arms length away? That's how this feels. It's like it's right there in my face and yet I can't reach out and touch it. I feel like I'm trying so hard but at the same time I don't feel like I'm really trying at all. I just don't want to push things and I don't want to let go. Sometimes I feel like this is what I need, it's what keeps me going. When I wake up in the morning and wonder what I'm living for, I think about this. Yes, I cry almost everyday and it makes me feel like shit but other times I'm on top of the world. *crys* it's just not as easy as some of you would like to think. Imagine trying to give up your favorite thing in the world, the thing you love with all your heart. You wouldn't be able to do it, would you? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm on the verge of saying fuck it, but I can't let myself do it. I've never wanted anything more than I want this. It scares me, it breaks my heart, I hate it. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. Especially not like this. I wasn't made for all of this. I keep asking "why me?"..."is there something wrong with me?"..."why can't I forget?"..."why can't I let go?"..."why now when I've got so much other shit going on in my life?"...so many more questions and worries than I can even list on here.
I just want people to realize that I'm not going to take their advice, at least not until I'm ready. If I were them I would probably give out the same advice but they wouldn't listen. Just think if you were in my shoes. Just let me hurt, let me live my life, let me make my own decisions, but be there for me when things come falling down and I've been crushed. I will need someone to help me pick up the pieces. Don't you think I realize what I'm doing to myself, don't you think I get it?? I know what's going on, I do. Deep down I've come to realization of what's happening. But please let me live my dream now. I just don't want to wake up and find out it's all over. This is like the best dream I've ever had and at the same time it's my worst nightmare. Just help me get through the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Hate it all you want because I do, but again realize that's it's not going to change how I feel. For once I'm putting my feelings before my friends. I'm not going to be walked on and forced to give this up. Yes, I'm stupid, pathetic and a sad loser. Yes I'm being a bitch and a pain in the ass. But you know this situation may make me cry but so do your words, did you ever think about that? Think that maybe your adding to my stress, we all know I put myself under enough of that I don't need help.
I just...*crys*...wish I was somewhere else...away from all the pain...
I just want people to realize that I'm not going to take their advice, at least not until I'm ready. If I were them I would probably give out the same advice but they wouldn't listen. Just think if you were in my shoes. Just let me hurt, let me live my life, let me make my own decisions, but be there for me when things come falling down and I've been crushed. I will need someone to help me pick up the pieces. Don't you think I realize what I'm doing to myself, don't you think I get it?? I know what's going on, I do. Deep down I've come to realization of what's happening. But please let me live my dream now. I just don't want to wake up and find out it's all over. This is like the best dream I've ever had and at the same time it's my worst nightmare. Just help me get through the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Hate it all you want because I do, but again realize that's it's not going to change how I feel. For once I'm putting my feelings before my friends. I'm not going to be walked on and forced to give this up. Yes, I'm stupid, pathetic and a sad loser. Yes I'm being a bitch and a pain in the ass. But you know this situation may make me cry but so do your words, did you ever think about that? Think that maybe your adding to my stress, we all know I put myself under enough of that I don't need help.
I just...*crys*...wish I was somewhere else...away from all the pain...