(no subject)
A lot of the time I wonder, after something goes wrong, "What did I do to cause this?". A lot of time I get told its my fault, sometimes even when I don't have anything to do with whatever is going on. I was told I'm pitiful, that I irritate people or frustrate them when something bad happens because I'm very "woe is me". I admit to this fact in a massive way and its one thing among many that I can't stand about myself. I don't know how to change it other than to just keep my mouth shut about everything. Hell, I've managed to alienate people I adored because of it. I just... don't know how to fix me.
When I'm hurt or upset, I'm not thinking. I'm hurt. I'm upset. A lot of the time I'm angry. My depression is no excuse. The fact that I don't think I've ever been really good enough for anything is no excuse. No matter how I try, I don't seem to be enough for the people around me when I want to be. I don't like getting upset or angry or hurt. I hate it. I don't lie to people, I don't make promises I don't intend to keep, and I try to see the good in others from the very start. I know other people aren't like me, but when I get lied to or when I have promises broken, it hurts. And when they're all packed on, it feels like everything's wrong. Like its proof that once again I'm just not good enough. So I ask, and it irritates people more. I'm insecure and I don't mean to be. I listen to people when they need to vent, give them an ear when they need one and a shoulder when they need it. I try to help if I can. And it seems its a constant. No matter how much I try to be a good person, it backfires. I hurt someone or I get hurt by them.
Sometimes I wonder if I actually know how to be a good person. If needing to know that I'm not a bad person, or that I'm worth something, or that I've helped somebody is a bad thing. There's not much to feel good about I guess. Not really. And its days like this that I kind of wish I knew where my old razor was. Go figure. There's that pitiful thing again, I suppose. I was strong enough to stop that, so maybe there's hope, right?
I don't really have someone I can turn to when I'm feeling this way. Someone to just let me cry. So I can understand how people would think I'm pitiful. And really, they'd be right, I guess. I never know who I can count on and who is just being nice. I don't know what to do a lot of the time.
I guess the only way to stop feeling the insecurity, the feeling that I'll never be good enough for anyone, is to stop caring. Stop talking so much and stop caring. Maybe then everything won't hurt as bad. Or at all. Yeah... that would be great.
When I'm hurt or upset, I'm not thinking. I'm hurt. I'm upset. A lot of the time I'm angry. My depression is no excuse. The fact that I don't think I've ever been really good enough for anything is no excuse. No matter how I try, I don't seem to be enough for the people around me when I want to be. I don't like getting upset or angry or hurt. I hate it. I don't lie to people, I don't make promises I don't intend to keep, and I try to see the good in others from the very start. I know other people aren't like me, but when I get lied to or when I have promises broken, it hurts. And when they're all packed on, it feels like everything's wrong. Like its proof that once again I'm just not good enough. So I ask, and it irritates people more. I'm insecure and I don't mean to be. I listen to people when they need to vent, give them an ear when they need one and a shoulder when they need it. I try to help if I can. And it seems its a constant. No matter how much I try to be a good person, it backfires. I hurt someone or I get hurt by them.
Sometimes I wonder if I actually know how to be a good person. If needing to know that I'm not a bad person, or that I'm worth something, or that I've helped somebody is a bad thing. There's not much to feel good about I guess. Not really. And its days like this that I kind of wish I knew where my old razor was. Go figure. There's that pitiful thing again, I suppose. I was strong enough to stop that, so maybe there's hope, right?
I don't really have someone I can turn to when I'm feeling this way. Someone to just let me cry. So I can understand how people would think I'm pitiful. And really, they'd be right, I guess. I never know who I can count on and who is just being nice. I don't know what to do a lot of the time.
I guess the only way to stop feeling the insecurity, the feeling that I'll never be good enough for anyone, is to stop caring. Stop talking so much and stop caring. Maybe then everything won't hurt as bad. Or at all. Yeah... that would be great.