crying is scary....so is rape....so is writing this...
last night i went to bed early. I had a weird stomach ache and i was tired and i felt really weak. So i passed out at 9:30 and slept soundly til about 3:21. Then i woke up, was afraid i wasnt going to be able to fall back asleep but then had fucked up dreams and couldnt wake myself up....but finally rolled out of bed at 9am-ish. woke up before my alarm, which was nice, I HATE my alarm. i took a nice long shower, took a really long time getting ready. had peanut butter cinamon raisen bread and some soy chocolate milk. then i left.
The walk to class was cold. my backpack was too heavy (and didnt even need all the fucking books i took to class today) and i was trying really hard to have a positive attitude (you can already tell i kinda already failed)
today in class i kinda zoned out after my teacher started talking about how to report on a rape. thought about how awful it would be to be raped. to be helpless like that. be taken advantage of. I also was kinda depressed at the idea that i couldnt really think of anyone with a car that would be able to pick me up from the hospital or drive me to the hospital if something like that happened. then again i was thinking if it happened like...tonite. i mean, emilys car is broken and yeah...i cant think of anyone else that i'd feel comfortable being with after someting like that happened. I also thought about who i would call first. if i'd tell me friends about it. what some of my friends would do. i know a couple of them would have homocidial urges towards the guy....but would they feel helpless if it was a stranger they couldnt track down? would anyone really be able to say anything to consol me?
sorry....depressing....anyway...yeah so i was thinking about that and I stopped at olin on the way home because on this weird itch thing i had on my hand. while i was talking to the lady who schedules appointments i started crying for some reason and couldnt stop. i almost had a panic attack in the bathroom....it was truely scary. i couldnt stop myself and i had no idea why i was crying. It couldve been that i was scared that my hand thing was serious. i could use pms as an excuse, but i hate that excuse. it couldve even been some kind of weird association with being at olin and wondering earlier about the whole rape thing...and how id probably end up at olin if something like that happened....either way, it was scary.
So they set up a appointment (probably because they were freaking out as much as i was that i was crying) and so i had to call into work, which was wonderful. and on top of that, got a doctors note (just for having a doctors appointment!!) so im pretty happy about having a day off. i was kinda stressed out....mostly from crying...but yeah. So here i am. i ate like four pieces of pizza...might take a nap... basically anything that doesnt involve too much thinking. then im supposed to meet up with someone from class and figure out photography stuff, which could be alot of fun. we'll see.
The walk to class was cold. my backpack was too heavy (and didnt even need all the fucking books i took to class today) and i was trying really hard to have a positive attitude (you can already tell i kinda already failed)
today in class i kinda zoned out after my teacher started talking about how to report on a rape. thought about how awful it would be to be raped. to be helpless like that. be taken advantage of. I also was kinda depressed at the idea that i couldnt really think of anyone with a car that would be able to pick me up from the hospital or drive me to the hospital if something like that happened. then again i was thinking if it happened like...tonite. i mean, emilys car is broken and yeah...i cant think of anyone else that i'd feel comfortable being with after someting like that happened. I also thought about who i would call first. if i'd tell me friends about it. what some of my friends would do. i know a couple of them would have homocidial urges towards the guy....but would they feel helpless if it was a stranger they couldnt track down? would anyone really be able to say anything to consol me?
sorry....depressing....anyway...yeah so i was thinking about that and I stopped at olin on the way home because on this weird itch thing i had on my hand. while i was talking to the lady who schedules appointments i started crying for some reason and couldnt stop. i almost had a panic attack in the bathroom....it was truely scary. i couldnt stop myself and i had no idea why i was crying. It couldve been that i was scared that my hand thing was serious. i could use pms as an excuse, but i hate that excuse. it couldve even been some kind of weird association with being at olin and wondering earlier about the whole rape thing...and how id probably end up at olin if something like that happened....either way, it was scary.
So they set up a appointment (probably because they were freaking out as much as i was that i was crying) and so i had to call into work, which was wonderful. and on top of that, got a doctors note (just for having a doctors appointment!!) so im pretty happy about having a day off. i was kinda stressed out....mostly from crying...but yeah. So here i am. i ate like four pieces of pizza...might take a nap... basically anything that doesnt involve too much thinking. then im supposed to meet up with someone from class and figure out photography stuff, which could be alot of fun. we'll see.