The first entry
I can't remember too well what day it was when i made this account. It was about a week ago and i never got enough umph to write anything. All ive been asking myself in my head is "what have i been doing all year?". It's almost summer and all i know is i hung out a lot. God damn the days in my head are short and few so i decided to record it. Unlike most journals i kept for telling events this one will also be for remembering my thoughts and feelings of each passing day. My mom has a history of looking at my diaries and ironically the most public of all places to write in is the only place she'll never find my deepest darkest secrets.
Anyways, yesterday I couldn't sleep, which is a rarity for me. For the first time i took stackers with ephedra. While eating cereal i took 2. I was alright for the most part a lil jittery but nothing that bad. 9 hours later: the next thing i know a 22 of Smirnoff ice is in my hand with a Marlboro Red 100 in the other. For the first time since New Years..i drank. I always refuse to drink but a feeling of loneliness and maybe an earlier second hand tease of weed smoke came over me. Soon after im at home...and the sickness kicks in. I start getting depression, insomnia, hallucinations, paranoia. I was sure i was schizophrenic at that moment in time. Why did i keep seeing flashing boxs of white light when i was looking at that bright orange $2.00 price tag on the carboard stacker box, while trying to read the dangers of usage. The recent melancholic thoughts were driving my mind off a steep cliff which landed right into my lil black notepad...poems and random notes were splattered everywhere.
I remembered one similar anxiety filled night where i watched mind numbing tv that calmed me down...but even this was not helping tonight. Then i realized the biggest sleep inducer for me is food so i proceeded to grab the special k with strawberries (the cereal not red label ketamine) next to my bed. Grabbing those flakes dry with no milk and consciously knowing i havent washed my hands after the mildly head buzzed train ride home was a difficult task. But surely 5 minutes of tv and cereal makes me stop my insanity and random hallucinations. I think back on my state of mind and begin to laugh, thinking "what the fuck was that." And once again cereal saves the day.
(typed up in order of how i wrote it)
3/13/04
L ONLY
Cry and weep, I cannot do. Cry and weep, it cant be you.
What does my spirit try to say. What am i thinking about all day.
Utter confusion inside this head. My only savior has been the bed.
I thought i had figured it out. I thought i knew what i was all about.
Had an inner drive of which i was proud. And i was never afraid to be loud.
Without the love going inside. My scared soul began to hide.
It all means nothing, but its everything to me. Why cant i let myself be.
Where am i, Where have i been? Did i just make a forceful grin?
Can it be the L only, is what makes me lonely.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep it real.
Let yourself feel.
Cuz you know the deal.
Never keep yourself from a meal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love them? Or wait for the love? The less i do, the more they do. Care for what? HELP ME!! I'm not good enough. What makes me any different? Do people think about me? What do they say behind my back? What does it matter now, when it never has before?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Feeling better already
Why dont the old things make me happy anymore? Where did my confidence go? Who stole it from me?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I gotta pee
Anyways, yesterday I couldn't sleep, which is a rarity for me. For the first time i took stackers with ephedra. While eating cereal i took 2. I was alright for the most part a lil jittery but nothing that bad. 9 hours later: the next thing i know a 22 of Smirnoff ice is in my hand with a Marlboro Red 100 in the other. For the first time since New Years..i drank. I always refuse to drink but a feeling of loneliness and maybe an earlier second hand tease of weed smoke came over me. Soon after im at home...and the sickness kicks in. I start getting depression, insomnia, hallucinations, paranoia. I was sure i was schizophrenic at that moment in time. Why did i keep seeing flashing boxs of white light when i was looking at that bright orange $2.00 price tag on the carboard stacker box, while trying to read the dangers of usage. The recent melancholic thoughts were driving my mind off a steep cliff which landed right into my lil black notepad...poems and random notes were splattered everywhere.
I remembered one similar anxiety filled night where i watched mind numbing tv that calmed me down...but even this was not helping tonight. Then i realized the biggest sleep inducer for me is food so i proceeded to grab the special k with strawberries (the cereal not red label ketamine) next to my bed. Grabbing those flakes dry with no milk and consciously knowing i havent washed my hands after the mildly head buzzed train ride home was a difficult task. But surely 5 minutes of tv and cereal makes me stop my insanity and random hallucinations. I think back on my state of mind and begin to laugh, thinking "what the fuck was that." And once again cereal saves the day.
(typed up in order of how i wrote it)
3/13/04
L ONLY
Cry and weep, I cannot do. Cry and weep, it cant be you.
What does my spirit try to say. What am i thinking about all day.
Utter confusion inside this head. My only savior has been the bed.
I thought i had figured it out. I thought i knew what i was all about.
Had an inner drive of which i was proud. And i was never afraid to be loud.
Without the love going inside. My scared soul began to hide.
It all means nothing, but its everything to me. Why cant i let myself be.
Where am i, Where have i been? Did i just make a forceful grin?
Can it be the L only, is what makes me lonely.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep it real.
Let yourself feel.
Cuz you know the deal.
Never keep yourself from a meal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love them? Or wait for the love? The less i do, the more they do. Care for what? HELP ME!! I'm not good enough. What makes me any different? Do people think about me? What do they say behind my back? What does it matter now, when it never has before?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Feeling better already
Why dont the old things make me happy anymore? Where did my confidence go? Who stole it from me?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I gotta pee