Here's to you, losers: a US Olympic Trials preview
The US women’s gymnastics team has been decided in everything but name - barring injuries, it’ll be Jordyn Wieber, Gabby Douglas, Aly Raisman, Kyla Ross and McKayla Maroney - which just leaves the Olympic Trials (on NBC this weekend) as an excuse for dramaaaaa. And, of course, a chance to wave tear-stained hankies at all the great gymnasts who won’t make the team.
(An Olympics without Alicia Sacramone’s aggressive PDAs?
Unacceptable!)
So here we are, a violin-scored farewell to gymnasts with beautiful lines or gutsy attitudes, but alas, no Amanar and therefore no shot at glory.
Alicia Sacramone
An old lady at 24 years old, with an actual personality, a penchant for punching men, and surprisingly few qualms about stripping off, it’s no surprise A.Sac is my enduring favourite. She’s the gymnast it’s okay to perv over!
(She’s also kind of the Johnny Weir of gymnastics, because she didn’t start gym till the grand old age of 8 - much as Johnny was also a late starter in skating. Am I pushing this comparison? Yeah, a bit.)
She’s come back from an ankle injury in a ridiculously short 8 months. And competes one of the most beautiful vaults ever:
Perhaps my favourite fun fact about Alicia is that she’s not naturally flexible and makes her splits through sheer muscular force. I find it extremely impressive that she’s suddenly added into her beam routine a sheep jump, which requires ridiculous flexibility:
P.S.
Let us, once and for all, erase the media lie that Sacramone’s fall on beam and mistakes on floor singlehandedly cost the US team the gold medal in 2008. The Chinese upgraded their routines to the hilt and hit them. That’s why they won and the USA didn’t. Okay? Okay.
Sarah Finnegan
With her squeaky voice and cute-as-a-button appearance, Sarah Finnegan is surely a Disney princess in human form. If only she were just a mite more experienced, she could have snatched away Aly Raisman’s spot on the Olympic team. However, it’s clear she has a bright future ahead of her. Finnegan to win all the things in 2013!
Floor exercise bores me to tears, but Finnegan has glorious lines. And every time I see it, I’m tickled by the little bit of choreo she does at the end. No awkward scrambling to her feet for Sarah!
Beam is worth watching for the glorious triple spin alone. Somewhere, Lauren Mitchell, who has made the triple Humphrey spin her signature, is plotting Sarah’s death.
Anna Li
College gymnast turned elite… stuntwoman… chief backhandspring’er at the White House… Anna Li acts the way I wish all gymnasts would act - she’s smart, she’s mature and she always seems like she’s in it for the experience, not the win.
Oh, and she has a bar routine difficult enough to rival Beth Tweddle’s. So there’s that.
Bridget Sloan
Having not competed in earnest since her fluke World All-Around victory in 2009, Bridget Sloan: Super-troll rocked up to the National Championships two weeks ago with an impressive bar routine and a grin that said, “I’m coming to take your Olympic spots, children!” Alas, she probably won’t succeed there, but maybe she and Alicia can have another romantic meal in San Jose…?
Super-troll trolling on bars:
Rebecca Bross
Ahh, Rebecca Bross. The anointed one. The gymnast who was going to achieve the not terribly extraordinary* feat of being the third Olympic AA gold medallist in a row from the same gym.
(*It’s not like Becca is from Texas originally and just wandered into WOGA on a whim. She moved there to maximize her chances of being an Olympian. But I suppose “threepeat of gymnasts who train at one of the world’s best gyms” is a less compelling media storyline.)
Becca’s fate has to be one of the most crushing ones of this quad. Injury and fluke mistakes mean she never quite made her mark on a World level. And now that the Olympics have rolled around, it turns out she’s directly competing for a spot on the team against her training mate and idol, Nastia. Well, shit.
Even though her body seems terribly broken at this stage, and she’s surely drawn the shittiest lot, Becca always gives the impression she works so hard and tries so endlessly. Case in point: she made her worst event (bars) into her best event. Boom: 1,000 points for effort.
(Real feelings on the matter: OMG SOB. SHE’S MY ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE. I HOPE SHE CONTINUES COMPETING. I HOPE SHE HAS A GOOD LIFE. I AM MUCH TOO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN HER.)
(An Olympics without Alicia Sacramone’s aggressive PDAs?
Unacceptable!)
So here we are, a violin-scored farewell to gymnasts with beautiful lines or gutsy attitudes, but alas, no Amanar and therefore no shot at glory.
Alicia Sacramone
An old lady at 24 years old, with an actual personality, a penchant for punching men, and surprisingly few qualms about stripping off, it’s no surprise A.Sac is my enduring favourite. She’s the gymnast it’s okay to perv over!
(She’s also kind of the Johnny Weir of gymnastics, because she didn’t start gym till the grand old age of 8 - much as Johnny was also a late starter in skating. Am I pushing this comparison? Yeah, a bit.)
She’s come back from an ankle injury in a ridiculously short 8 months. And competes one of the most beautiful vaults ever:
Click to viewPerhaps my favourite fun fact about Alicia is that she’s not naturally flexible and makes her splits through sheer muscular force. I find it extremely impressive that she’s suddenly added into her beam routine a sheep jump, which requires ridiculous flexibility:
P.S.
Let us, once and for all, erase the media lie that Sacramone’s fall on beam and mistakes on floor singlehandedly cost the US team the gold medal in 2008. The Chinese upgraded their routines to the hilt and hit them. That’s why they won and the USA didn’t. Okay? Okay.
Sarah Finnegan
With her squeaky voice and cute-as-a-button appearance, Sarah Finnegan is surely a Disney princess in human form. If only she were just a mite more experienced, she could have snatched away Aly Raisman’s spot on the Olympic team. However, it’s clear she has a bright future ahead of her. Finnegan to win all the things in 2013!
Floor exercise bores me to tears, but Finnegan has glorious lines. And every time I see it, I’m tickled by the little bit of choreo she does at the end. No awkward scrambling to her feet for Sarah!
Beam is worth watching for the glorious triple spin alone. Somewhere, Lauren Mitchell, who has made the triple Humphrey spin her signature, is plotting Sarah’s death.
Anna Li
College gymnast turned elite… stuntwoman… chief backhandspring’er at the White House… Anna Li acts the way I wish all gymnasts would act - she’s smart, she’s mature and she always seems like she’s in it for the experience, not the win.
Oh, and she has a bar routine difficult enough to rival Beth Tweddle’s. So there’s that.
Bridget Sloan
Having not competed in earnest since her fluke World All-Around victory in 2009, Bridget Sloan: Super-troll rocked up to the National Championships two weeks ago with an impressive bar routine and a grin that said, “I’m coming to take your Olympic spots, children!” Alas, she probably won’t succeed there, but maybe she and Alicia can have another romantic meal in San Jose…?
Super-troll trolling on bars:
Rebecca Bross
Ahh, Rebecca Bross. The anointed one. The gymnast who was going to achieve the not terribly extraordinary* feat of being the third Olympic AA gold medallist in a row from the same gym.
(*It’s not like Becca is from Texas originally and just wandered into WOGA on a whim. She moved there to maximize her chances of being an Olympian. But I suppose “threepeat of gymnasts who train at one of the world’s best gyms” is a less compelling media storyline.)
Becca’s fate has to be one of the most crushing ones of this quad. Injury and fluke mistakes mean she never quite made her mark on a World level. And now that the Olympics have rolled around, it turns out she’s directly competing for a spot on the team against her training mate and idol, Nastia. Well, shit.
Even though her body seems terribly broken at this stage, and she’s surely drawn the shittiest lot, Becca always gives the impression she works so hard and tries so endlessly. Case in point: she made her worst event (bars) into her best event. Boom: 1,000 points for effort.
(Real feelings on the matter: OMG SOB. SHE’S MY ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE. I HOPE SHE CONTINUES COMPETING. I HOPE SHE HAS A GOOD LIFE. I AM MUCH TOO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN HER.)