mediocre, gay-themed movies
Recently, I watched a succession of mediocre, gay-themed movies. This seemed like a good idea when I started, but the mediocrity really began to get to me. I shall now rank these movies from "unwatchable dreck" to "okay" -- believe me, there is no "good" or "outstanding" in this list.
(Note: I have included capspams of pretty boys kissing to make this post less torturous.)
Dog Tags
This film was fucking unwatchable. It was also seriously guilty of misrepresentation. When you hear the title “dog tags” and the tagline "don't ask don't tell", you naturally expect the movie to be a scintillating tale of a clandestine gay love in the military. In fact, there are no scenes that actually take place on an army base, in battle, or involving any real military personnel. Misrepresentation!
It's actually the story of a new recruit who falls in love with an emo boy. Now you would be right in thinking that this is exactly the kind of movie I would want to watch. But the movie was just shit. The central love story was completely unconvincing. The production values were terrible, so the movie didn't even look pretty. The acting wasn't great. There was quite a lot of gratuitous sex involving characters we didn't know, but when it came to the characters we did know having sex, we got the soft focus treatment.
Meh!
Testosterone
The main draw of this movie was the fact that it starred Christopher from Gilmore Girls as a gay man. Did I say that was the main draw? In fact, it was the only draw. This movie was also unwatchable and yet I can't quite condemn it, because it starred Christopher from Gilmore Girls as a gay man. Unpopular fannish opinion: I love Christopher from Gilmore Girls.
Unfortunately, I am forced to concede that David Sutcliffe (I finally remembered his name!) is a pretty terrible actor. He basically plays every scene with a kind of smirky charm. I find this very attractive. However, I am forced to realise that many people hated Christopher for exactly this smirky charm. And, in fact, smirky charm was not quite the nuanced performance that this movie required.
Thus, we come to the movie's unworkable paradox: I loved this movie because it starred David Sutcliffe as a gay man, but the movie was shit because it starred David Sutcliffe (as a gay man).
I realise I have completely forgotten to describe the film's plot. This is actually for the best, because it began with the assumption that rich, successful graphic novelists exist -- I kind of doubt they do -- and just got more ridiculous from there. The movie can be best summed up by this line, delivered with smirky charm by David Sutcliffe: "Fuck it, I'm not Jesus. I'm just a fag with a gun who needs a chainsaw!" (That line is, admittedly, genius. Unfortunately, the rest of the movie is not.)
Capspam!
Happy UST.
Kissing.
Kissing with angsty graphic novel portraits in the background. (No, really. That’s a plot point.)
Of course, there was the requisite “angry wrestling that turns into…”
“…sex.”
It speaks to David Sutcliffe’s failure to embody the role that I toootally ‘shipped the het couple. /o\ In my defence, the girl was really hot.
I cannot, in good faith, recommend this movie. However, if you like David Sutcliffe, give it a try. Disclaimer: you may want to get drunk first.
Dare
This movie is highly preferable to the other three, because it's a short film so it's 15 minutes out of your life and not an hour and a half. It stars Zach from The OC, although confusingly he looks a lot like Gregory Smith in this film. Anyway, he's a jock and he's playing the Marlon Brando character in his school's production of A Streetcar Named Desire. Meanwhile, the loner kid who does lighting on the production lusts after him from afar.
Basically, it's the gay, theatre version of High School Musical. This description makes sense in my head, although it may not make much sense to you. All you need to know is that there is scene in a swimming pool, and a lot of UST. It's worth watching, but keep your expectations low.
Excitingly, they filmed a feature length version of this movie, which seems to involve the token girl in a much larger role. It also stars Matt Saracen from Friday Night Lights in the asshole jock role, which I'm not quite sure I see, but I nonetheless look forward to watching him spoiler spoiler spoiler.
Boy Culture
I was possibly too harsh at the beginning of this post, because I actually really enjoyed this movie. It was still mediocre, but it seemed aware of its mediocrity. It is a little like The Broken Hearts Club and a little like Shortbus -- but better than the former and worse than the latter. That still means I think it’s good.
The first confusing thing about this movie was that the lead actor sounded just like Lee Tergesen. It was uncanny, so I kept thinking... Beecher? Is that you?
The second confusing thing about this movie was that another actor looked like the super-gay version of Chace Crawford. His mannerisms, styling, speech -- everything, basically -- was nothing like Chace, but when he was motionless, I kept thinking... Nate? Is that you?
The movie's plot is about a hustler (“X”) who has never ~*made love. He’s a fucked up little puppy who’s secretly in love with his roommate, Andrew. They also live with a 17-year-old floozy who doesn’t pay rent and keeps trying to get X to fuck him (which X won’t do). It’s a slightly Queer-As-Folk-esque/soap-opera-ish set-up, but it works. All of the characters are kind of self-serving and mean, which, weirdly, makes them all the more loveable.
Also, Darryl Stephens has the most amazing mouth ever.
Capspam!
(Note: I have included capspams of pretty boys kissing to make this post less torturous.)
Dog Tags
This film was fucking unwatchable. It was also seriously guilty of misrepresentation. When you hear the title “dog tags” and the tagline "don't ask don't tell", you naturally expect the movie to be a scintillating tale of a clandestine gay love in the military. In fact, there are no scenes that actually take place on an army base, in battle, or involving any real military personnel. Misrepresentation!
It's actually the story of a new recruit who falls in love with an emo boy. Now you would be right in thinking that this is exactly the kind of movie I would want to watch. But the movie was just shit. The central love story was completely unconvincing. The production values were terrible, so the movie didn't even look pretty. The acting wasn't great. There was quite a lot of gratuitous sex involving characters we didn't know, but when it came to the characters we did know having sex, we got the soft focus treatment.
Meh!
Testosterone
The main draw of this movie was the fact that it starred Christopher from Gilmore Girls as a gay man. Did I say that was the main draw? In fact, it was the only draw. This movie was also unwatchable and yet I can't quite condemn it, because it starred Christopher from Gilmore Girls as a gay man. Unpopular fannish opinion: I love Christopher from Gilmore Girls.
Unfortunately, I am forced to concede that David Sutcliffe (I finally remembered his name!) is a pretty terrible actor. He basically plays every scene with a kind of smirky charm. I find this very attractive. However, I am forced to realise that many people hated Christopher for exactly this smirky charm. And, in fact, smirky charm was not quite the nuanced performance that this movie required.
Thus, we come to the movie's unworkable paradox: I loved this movie because it starred David Sutcliffe as a gay man, but the movie was shit because it starred David Sutcliffe (as a gay man).
I realise I have completely forgotten to describe the film's plot. This is actually for the best, because it began with the assumption that rich, successful graphic novelists exist -- I kind of doubt they do -- and just got more ridiculous from there. The movie can be best summed up by this line, delivered with smirky charm by David Sutcliffe: "Fuck it, I'm not Jesus. I'm just a fag with a gun who needs a chainsaw!" (That line is, admittedly, genius. Unfortunately, the rest of the movie is not.)
Capspam!
Happy UST.
Kissing.
Kissing with angsty graphic novel portraits in the background. (No, really. That’s a plot point.)
Of course, there was the requisite “angry wrestling that turns into…”
“…sex.”
It speaks to David Sutcliffe’s failure to embody the role that I toootally ‘shipped the het couple. /o\ In my defence, the girl was really hot.
I cannot, in good faith, recommend this movie. However, if you like David Sutcliffe, give it a try. Disclaimer: you may want to get drunk first.
Dare
This movie is highly preferable to the other three, because it's a short film so it's 15 minutes out of your life and not an hour and a half. It stars Zach from The OC, although confusingly he looks a lot like Gregory Smith in this film. Anyway, he's a jock and he's playing the Marlon Brando character in his school's production of A Streetcar Named Desire. Meanwhile, the loner kid who does lighting on the production lusts after him from afar.
Basically, it's the gay, theatre version of High School Musical. This description makes sense in my head, although it may not make much sense to you. All you need to know is that there is scene in a swimming pool, and a lot of UST. It's worth watching, but keep your expectations low.
Excitingly, they filmed a feature length version of this movie, which seems to involve the token girl in a much larger role. It also stars Matt Saracen from Friday Night Lights in the asshole jock role, which I'm not quite sure I see, but I nonetheless look forward to watching him spoiler spoiler spoiler.
Boy Culture
I was possibly too harsh at the beginning of this post, because I actually really enjoyed this movie. It was still mediocre, but it seemed aware of its mediocrity. It is a little like The Broken Hearts Club and a little like Shortbus -- but better than the former and worse than the latter. That still means I think it’s good.
The first confusing thing about this movie was that the lead actor sounded just like Lee Tergesen. It was uncanny, so I kept thinking... Beecher? Is that you?
The second confusing thing about this movie was that another actor looked like the super-gay version of Chace Crawford. His mannerisms, styling, speech -- everything, basically -- was nothing like Chace, but when he was motionless, I kept thinking... Nate? Is that you?
The movie's plot is about a hustler (“X”) who has never ~*made love. He’s a fucked up little puppy who’s secretly in love with his roommate, Andrew. They also live with a 17-year-old floozy who doesn’t pay rent and keeps trying to get X to fuck him (which X won’t do). It’s a slightly Queer-As-Folk-esque/soap-opera-ish set-up, but it works. All of the characters are kind of self-serving and mean, which, weirdly, makes them all the more loveable.
Also, Darryl Stephens has the most amazing mouth ever.
Capspam!