And it just keeps going and going and...
Shit's been hitting the fan lately. For months I've been planing to move out with my boyfriend Don who lives in Nashville... But at the same time I've been plannning this, my Mom was planning to divorce her husband Shane (her fourth divorce to be exact) and do something from there. Though I don't really think this is why she's getting divorced, it doesn't help that through the demon-crack game World of Warcraft (I've just recently broken the habit...more out of boredom than anything) she's met a guy named Alex who lives in Greece.
Mom keeps Greek Alex as her boyfriend or whatnot and at first, I was disgusted at how she'd talk to him oh the net phone thing.. Skype or whatever... All giddy, girly, baby-talk and shit. She's fucking married, and this is no way to work on a falling relationship. But whatever. Things progress, her situation with Shane worsens. All the while my younger sister is making the same move I did from her Dad to my Mom's to get away from his crazy tyranny. Many things happening at once. So I decide, the sooner I get out, the better. Well Mom helps me out here. Taking me around looking for houses for rent ... whatnot. She also says she's looking for a place for herself. She's determined that she can't save her marraige.
I find a house. I find a house that's in town. A nice one bedroom with decent rent and it's all cool. I have a house! I can start to move in on the 1st of September! Take all month to move if I want! No rush.. Then Mom drops a bombshell. "Can Shannon and I stay with you untill Don gets there? We'll move you in compltely on the first and we can stay all month." Well damn. I thought I'd be able to gradually move my things. Be able to leave the drama at my own pace. But now, not only am I rushed into another spot, I get to take the divorce crap with me.
She helps me move. Helps me get my utilities turned on. Helps me get my cable set up. Of course, I'm paying for all my own things... she's just offering guidance. All my crap is packed and being moved along with all of hers and Shannon's. But it's slow. Over the course of three or four days, I bring stuff over to my house where we're cramped up together. Three girls living in a one bedroom one bathroom house. Then back over to where a very desperate and red eyed Shane waits while his wandering wife is leaving him forever. It's uncomfortable and the moment I say so Mom decides to complain about how I'm just the most unsatisfied person she's ever met. "it's either peaches and cream or total shit with you," she says as she types merrily to her Greek boyfriend. This irks me straight off. Okay so I hate being indebted to someone helping me move. It's true. All I'm really doing is giving her a place to stay till she can find a house of her own. Everything else.. moving and all... she's done most of. I hate owing people. Something she could wave over my head if she wanted...so I grumble but don't repond to her tactless attitude to how irritated I am. But I'm letting her stay with me...
It's been about two weeks. I'm managing. But suddenly, it gets bad again. I get irritated. All Mom seems to be going on about to Alex is how great my Sister is. Though she is great, sibling rivalry gets to me. I'm jealous. "Oh, everyone says she's so grown. . . I know! She's really got her shit straight. She's a smart girl." Now I understand that Shannon's being moved from situation to situation, but the girl isn't as brilliant about it as Mom is making her sound. Shannon has whined alot and not been telling off her dad like my Mother brags that she does. . . Shannon's actually been really sensitive and a mite ungrateful if you ask me. Of course, I don't blame her. She's acting as any 14 year old would act. I can deal with her. But I feel so shoved aside by my Mom. Shannon can handle herself. Whatever Mom decides to do... Shannon's backed up. No worries. But I'm not. I have a house to manage. I've never done that before. I've never been on my own. And I'm being ridiculed for feeling cramped in my own house.
So if that's not enough to have me griping...
I go to the bank today to check my account and see how my balance is looking. I want to be able to manage all of my own crap. So I get my statement and all the transactions since... and my stomach hits the floor. I am in the negatives. Somewhere I fucked up and all the money I thought I had (what little I thought, ayways) is gone. I get home and I'm doing everything in my power to remain calm. Can't cry. I have to think straight. "Mom, I have no money. What do I do?" ....... Silence. She's talking to Alex cutely on the phone thing. Then she says "Well...." More silence.... I sit down. I'm abashed. I'm racking my brain... what now? What now? What do I do? I talk to Don. I try and breathe. I can't .... decide what to do... Then suddenly she stands up to go the bathroom and says "Well standing there wringing your hands and demanding what to do is EXACTLY how to handle this situation." I fought a very strong "Fuck you, Mom." I talk to Don some more. He can't help me as much as he would like. All money he pulled in has gone to fines from a stupid suspended license... He offers some comfort. Asking about expenses... telling me that I can make it untill my next paycheck. I start to feel better. But I'm still stunned by this bomb. Mom comes in. "When you're through with your tizzy.." That did it. I spun around in my chair and stared at her. "Tizzy! Tizzy?! I'm doing everthing in my power NOT to have a tizzy!" I'm fighting tiny spurts of tears and now my voice is cracking. Great. I tried so hard not to lose my cool. "The last thing I want to do is have a tizzy! But you standing behind me going on about how poorly I'm handling things is only making it worse!" She tells me that this is a tizzy. I'm livid. But I'm quiet. Eventually she goes out to take care of some things. They've found a place. Moving out tonight. For the first time, I'm completely glad they're leaving me alone. I've never been alone before and it scares me, but now I don't care. I want them out! I want to handle things myself. "This is why you have to do your expenses yourself.... blah blah.." Well in truth I've asked her many times to show me the programs she reccemends for this, but never has. I'm so angry. "I would also appreciate it," She says once more before she leaves. "If you would get all the things you know are mine and move them into the living room for when I bring the truck." Fine. Fine fine fine. But I hate it. I can't say a word. She helped me move. Considers it a favor that she stayed with me because I'm scared of being alone. . . When I'm on my own .I can blame myself for things. Not have to be worried about everyone else being at fault. I don't have the oppurtunity to bring out more drama. I want to be alone finally...
I feel used slightly. I feel like anything nice anyone does for me can be used against me later. I'm reluctant to get help. Don won't be here for a month. And I'm so angry I could break something.
Patrick has offered to give me money, but I'm reluctant. Afraid I may be in the same situation. I don't like to owe people things...
Now this is all just frustration s from the situation at hand. It could very well be just me blowing things out of proportion. This is, of course, only my side of the story. But it's something affecting me greatly.
Mom keeps Greek Alex as her boyfriend or whatnot and at first, I was disgusted at how she'd talk to him oh the net phone thing.. Skype or whatever... All giddy, girly, baby-talk and shit. She's fucking married, and this is no way to work on a falling relationship. But whatever. Things progress, her situation with Shane worsens. All the while my younger sister is making the same move I did from her Dad to my Mom's to get away from his crazy tyranny. Many things happening at once. So I decide, the sooner I get out, the better. Well Mom helps me out here. Taking me around looking for houses for rent ... whatnot. She also says she's looking for a place for herself. She's determined that she can't save her marraige.
I find a house. I find a house that's in town. A nice one bedroom with decent rent and it's all cool. I have a house! I can start to move in on the 1st of September! Take all month to move if I want! No rush.. Then Mom drops a bombshell. "Can Shannon and I stay with you untill Don gets there? We'll move you in compltely on the first and we can stay all month." Well damn. I thought I'd be able to gradually move my things. Be able to leave the drama at my own pace. But now, not only am I rushed into another spot, I get to take the divorce crap with me.
She helps me move. Helps me get my utilities turned on. Helps me get my cable set up. Of course, I'm paying for all my own things... she's just offering guidance. All my crap is packed and being moved along with all of hers and Shannon's. But it's slow. Over the course of three or four days, I bring stuff over to my house where we're cramped up together. Three girls living in a one bedroom one bathroom house. Then back over to where a very desperate and red eyed Shane waits while his wandering wife is leaving him forever. It's uncomfortable and the moment I say so Mom decides to complain about how I'm just the most unsatisfied person she's ever met. "it's either peaches and cream or total shit with you," she says as she types merrily to her Greek boyfriend. This irks me straight off. Okay so I hate being indebted to someone helping me move. It's true. All I'm really doing is giving her a place to stay till she can find a house of her own. Everything else.. moving and all... she's done most of. I hate owing people. Something she could wave over my head if she wanted...so I grumble but don't repond to her tactless attitude to how irritated I am. But I'm letting her stay with me...
It's been about two weeks. I'm managing. But suddenly, it gets bad again. I get irritated. All Mom seems to be going on about to Alex is how great my Sister is. Though she is great, sibling rivalry gets to me. I'm jealous. "Oh, everyone says she's so grown. . . I know! She's really got her shit straight. She's a smart girl." Now I understand that Shannon's being moved from situation to situation, but the girl isn't as brilliant about it as Mom is making her sound. Shannon has whined alot and not been telling off her dad like my Mother brags that she does. . . Shannon's actually been really sensitive and a mite ungrateful if you ask me. Of course, I don't blame her. She's acting as any 14 year old would act. I can deal with her. But I feel so shoved aside by my Mom. Shannon can handle herself. Whatever Mom decides to do... Shannon's backed up. No worries. But I'm not. I have a house to manage. I've never done that before. I've never been on my own. And I'm being ridiculed for feeling cramped in my own house.
So if that's not enough to have me griping...
I go to the bank today to check my account and see how my balance is looking. I want to be able to manage all of my own crap. So I get my statement and all the transactions since... and my stomach hits the floor. I am in the negatives. Somewhere I fucked up and all the money I thought I had (what little I thought, ayways) is gone. I get home and I'm doing everything in my power to remain calm. Can't cry. I have to think straight. "Mom, I have no money. What do I do?" ....... Silence. She's talking to Alex cutely on the phone thing. Then she says "Well...." More silence.... I sit down. I'm abashed. I'm racking my brain... what now? What now? What do I do? I talk to Don. I try and breathe. I can't .... decide what to do... Then suddenly she stands up to go the bathroom and says "Well standing there wringing your hands and demanding what to do is EXACTLY how to handle this situation." I fought a very strong "Fuck you, Mom." I talk to Don some more. He can't help me as much as he would like. All money he pulled in has gone to fines from a stupid suspended license... He offers some comfort. Asking about expenses... telling me that I can make it untill my next paycheck. I start to feel better. But I'm still stunned by this bomb. Mom comes in. "When you're through with your tizzy.." That did it. I spun around in my chair and stared at her. "Tizzy! Tizzy?! I'm doing everthing in my power NOT to have a tizzy!" I'm fighting tiny spurts of tears and now my voice is cracking. Great. I tried so hard not to lose my cool. "The last thing I want to do is have a tizzy! But you standing behind me going on about how poorly I'm handling things is only making it worse!" She tells me that this is a tizzy. I'm livid. But I'm quiet. Eventually she goes out to take care of some things. They've found a place. Moving out tonight. For the first time, I'm completely glad they're leaving me alone. I've never been alone before and it scares me, but now I don't care. I want them out! I want to handle things myself. "This is why you have to do your expenses yourself.... blah blah.." Well in truth I've asked her many times to show me the programs she reccemends for this, but never has. I'm so angry. "I would also appreciate it," She says once more before she leaves. "If you would get all the things you know are mine and move them into the living room for when I bring the truck." Fine. Fine fine fine. But I hate it. I can't say a word. She helped me move. Considers it a favor that she stayed with me because I'm scared of being alone. . . When I'm on my own .I can blame myself for things. Not have to be worried about everyone else being at fault. I don't have the oppurtunity to bring out more drama. I want to be alone finally...
I feel used slightly. I feel like anything nice anyone does for me can be used against me later. I'm reluctant to get help. Don won't be here for a month. And I'm so angry I could break something.
Patrick has offered to give me money, but I'm reluctant. Afraid I may be in the same situation. I don't like to owe people things...
Now this is all just frustration s from the situation at hand. It could very well be just me blowing things out of proportion. This is, of course, only my side of the story. But it's something affecting me greatly.