Fallen
I've been having really weird dreams lately. You know, when you're asleep but you still know that you're also partially awake. It's in that refuge between dead-to-the-world unconsciousness and when your subconscious says "I'll just deny that I'm awake for awhile longer" that the most amazing dreams come to you. Sometimes they can be deeply profound, other times they're just plain weird. This fic that I'm posting is based on a dream I've had recently. It's set in Atlantis, and involves two characters. The problem is that when I was writing it down I couldn't remember who the characters were, so in the end I tried to put myself back in the dream frame of mind to finish writing it. In Heroes we see Daniel return to the place where he died, and that scene almost broke my heart. I was thinking about how he must have felt to have been kicked out of Ascension and how he came to terms with his own death. I thought about how I would have felt to have been in his position, therefore this fic is full of my emotions and thoughts on dying and losing something important (I'm completely and utterly terrified of dying, so much that it sometimes keeps me awake at night). So, when I tried to fit an existing character into the frame of the female part, neither Teyla nor Weir seemed to fit. The male part ended up being pretty much like McKay. If I rewrite it, I think I could make the female part fit Sheppard, though. I think that'd make a mighty powerful McShep fic. ;)
EDIT - OK, I've decided that it can pretty much be understood as a McWeir fic. :) / EDIT
I'd really appreciate any comments and feedback on this, because it's my first... would you call it a ficlet? I'm not really sure what it is. Perhaps just introspection and reflection. They do say that we all have to face our fears someday. Anyway, here goes. *hopes a pack of ravenous wolves doesn't tear out her heart and eat it*
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“You don’t understand,” she whispered huskily, her head bowed. The breeze blew strands of her hair across her face, and she slowly tucked them behind her ear. She looked up at him standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame with a concerned look on his face. She quickly looked away, but not before he saw the strength in her eyes fade. She sighed shakily. “I can never go back.” He noticed the pain in her voice, and saw for the first time the frightened, vulnerable little girl that had always been hiding under that seemingly controlled and invulnerable exterior.
She felt so lost, as if she had suddenly fallen into a black hole of despair. For the first time she realised the enormity of it all and truly comprehended what had happened. Her hand flew to the spot where the Wraith weapon had pierced her side. She remembered the sharp pain and force of the blow, then the dull ache that slowly spread and grew with the blossoming flower of blood on her uniform.
“I died!” Her voice broke. She looked up at him again with pain-filled eyes. “I died. But the pain, the cold darkness, the harshness of it all … it all went away. They helped me ascend, and I felt safe. It was better where I was.” She was staring into space now, remembering what she had lost. He thought that she looked so sad; it was as if she were the physical embodiment of sorrow itself, and it was all he could do not to rush to her side and hold her in his arms. He wanted so desperately to make her troubles to go away, but even he, with all his knowledge and ability, was incapable of changing what had happened. He knew that it would take a long time for these wounds to heal.
“All that knowledge… the power.” Tears sprang into her eyes and she choked back a sob. “But I couldn’t just stand by and watch my friends get hurt! I just couldn’t. Not after all that's happened. Not… not after what happened to Peter.”
He remembered how Peter Grodin had died - as a hero. It had hit him hard, but he never let it show. He could not afford emotional attachments, and he hadn’t wanted them. But so much had changed since then. He had different aspirations and desires, and a different view of life. He himself was different.
“They’re always there, you know. Watching. Judging,” she said bitterly. “They watch it all happen because it’s beneath them to interfere in the affairs of ‘lesser beings.’” The scorn in her voice was more apparent now. “Ascension Rule Number One - Don’t Interfere.” She was growing more impassioned as she remembered the arrogance of their ancestors, the revered Ancients to whom they thought they owed so much. “I had to do something!”
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, a solitary tear trickling down her cheek. “I had to do something. So I gave it all up,” she said slowly, almost measuredly, as if justifying to herself that what she did was right. She only half believed it herself, because she still wondered whether there could have been an alternative, one that didn’t involve so much loss and pain. She opened her eyes and looked out at the sea, the rose-tinged clouds scudding slowly across the sky and the golden colours of the sunset reflecting on the surface of the ocean. “I had Eternity, and now it’s gone. They would never have let me stay, not after what I did,” she said as she shook her head slowly. “I’ll grow old, and get sick, and one day I’ll die… again.” She couldn’t hold the tears back any longer, and they spilled over her cheeks and ran down her face in trails of glistening sorrow. “I gave up Eternity, and now I’m mortal… and alone.”
He moved from the doorway and walked over to her, only half-trying to hide the look of devastation on his face. He had had no idea what it had been like for her. He had barely even thought about what Daniel Jackson had gone through when he died and ascended. He thought it was some sort of grand adventure where you were a glorious, omnipotent being with really cool super powers - without the cape and underpants on the outside of your trousers. Not for a second did it cross his mind that there was such a price to be paid.
He took her in his arms and she buried her face into his neck. He could feel her tears on his skin as she cried in his arms, and he held her even closer. She was precious, and fragile. She was important to him, and he no longer needed to justify to himself exactly why. All he knew was that he never wanted to let her go. “You’re not alone.”
EDIT - OK, I've decided that it can pretty much be understood as a McWeir fic. :) / EDIT
I'd really appreciate any comments and feedback on this, because it's my first... would you call it a ficlet? I'm not really sure what it is. Perhaps just introspection and reflection. They do say that we all have to face our fears someday. Anyway, here goes. *hopes a pack of ravenous wolves doesn't tear out her heart and eat it*
____________________
“You don’t understand,” she whispered huskily, her head bowed. The breeze blew strands of her hair across her face, and she slowly tucked them behind her ear. She looked up at him standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame with a concerned look on his face. She quickly looked away, but not before he saw the strength in her eyes fade. She sighed shakily. “I can never go back.” He noticed the pain in her voice, and saw for the first time the frightened, vulnerable little girl that had always been hiding under that seemingly controlled and invulnerable exterior.
She felt so lost, as if she had suddenly fallen into a black hole of despair. For the first time she realised the enormity of it all and truly comprehended what had happened. Her hand flew to the spot where the Wraith weapon had pierced her side. She remembered the sharp pain and force of the blow, then the dull ache that slowly spread and grew with the blossoming flower of blood on her uniform.
“I died!” Her voice broke. She looked up at him again with pain-filled eyes. “I died. But the pain, the cold darkness, the harshness of it all … it all went away. They helped me ascend, and I felt safe. It was better where I was.” She was staring into space now, remembering what she had lost. He thought that she looked so sad; it was as if she were the physical embodiment of sorrow itself, and it was all he could do not to rush to her side and hold her in his arms. He wanted so desperately to make her troubles to go away, but even he, with all his knowledge and ability, was incapable of changing what had happened. He knew that it would take a long time for these wounds to heal.
“All that knowledge… the power.” Tears sprang into her eyes and she choked back a sob. “But I couldn’t just stand by and watch my friends get hurt! I just couldn’t. Not after all that's happened. Not… not after what happened to Peter.”
He remembered how Peter Grodin had died - as a hero. It had hit him hard, but he never let it show. He could not afford emotional attachments, and he hadn’t wanted them. But so much had changed since then. He had different aspirations and desires, and a different view of life. He himself was different.
“They’re always there, you know. Watching. Judging,” she said bitterly. “They watch it all happen because it’s beneath them to interfere in the affairs of ‘lesser beings.’” The scorn in her voice was more apparent now. “Ascension Rule Number One - Don’t Interfere.” She was growing more impassioned as she remembered the arrogance of their ancestors, the revered Ancients to whom they thought they owed so much. “I had to do something!”
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, a solitary tear trickling down her cheek. “I had to do something. So I gave it all up,” she said slowly, almost measuredly, as if justifying to herself that what she did was right. She only half believed it herself, because she still wondered whether there could have been an alternative, one that didn’t involve so much loss and pain. She opened her eyes and looked out at the sea, the rose-tinged clouds scudding slowly across the sky and the golden colours of the sunset reflecting on the surface of the ocean. “I had Eternity, and now it’s gone. They would never have let me stay, not after what I did,” she said as she shook her head slowly. “I’ll grow old, and get sick, and one day I’ll die… again.” She couldn’t hold the tears back any longer, and they spilled over her cheeks and ran down her face in trails of glistening sorrow. “I gave up Eternity, and now I’m mortal… and alone.”
He moved from the doorway and walked over to her, only half-trying to hide the look of devastation on his face. He had had no idea what it had been like for her. He had barely even thought about what Daniel Jackson had gone through when he died and ascended. He thought it was some sort of grand adventure where you were a glorious, omnipotent being with really cool super powers - without the cape and underpants on the outside of your trousers. Not for a second did it cross his mind that there was such a price to be paid.
He took her in his arms and she buried her face into his neck. He could feel her tears on his skin as she cried in his arms, and he held her even closer. She was precious, and fragile. She was important to him, and he no longer needed to justify to himself exactly why. All he knew was that he never wanted to let her go. “You’re not alone.”