(no subject)
I have no idea why i am even writing this. i totally feel that i waste my time somedays. i feel so crappy. i try not to get down and i try to be this great person and it never even happens and i get discouraged way to easily.
i just feel like i have no close friends in arizona. i hope that doesnt hurt anyone's feelings because i know i feel crappy when i read things like that from my other friends. like i know that i take things way to personal and i also totally know that i dont have any good friends here like i did back home. sometimes i wonder if this is where i am really suppose to be.
i dont know what i am doing wrong. i have all these casual friends that i see every now and then but i dont feel like i connect with any of them on the level i should. i really dont know what is wrong with me. its messed up. really and truly it is. like i long to sit and talk with these people for hours over coffee or in my bed with a down blanket. i know that sounds stupid but i just want friends like that. its not that i dont think the people i know are capable of that its just it never seems to pan out that that happens with them.
i really think that somehow its my fault. i love all the people i know here and so i cant see where they are at fault. like seriously i feel like i am not good enough or something. or maybe its because i dont have alot of money. i am trying to change that. i just really dont know. i want a close friendship so badly that i think i sabatoge it. maybe my personality isnt good enough. i so even moved so that i lived somewhere nicer so that maybe everyone would like to come over more because i KNOW that my last place was crappy. it worked for a week or two when they wanted to swim because the waterpark was closed or some such....okay i know that was harsh but i just feel horribly right now so please forgive me.
to top everything off my roommate hasnt spoken to me in like two days and is out with my friend that he use to hate. " What is going ooon??"
so sorry if i offended you.
later