My father wants me to put all my things in boxes, then have all the carpets torn up, then have all the walls repainted. He wants me to come with him to his girlfriend's family's Thanksgiving
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Aw sweetie! I am so sorry that things are so awful for you at the moment. This time of year is really hard on people who aren't manically cheerful.
You come across as someone who is very intelligent and very young. These two things can both be curses, especially when they come together. As I have gotten older I have found that it gets easier to profess ignorance, to fail to find the right words, to ask for help in simple words. When you are young, you care a lot more about what other people think of you. Even when you hate everyone around you, you can't help but want them to think that you are clever and strong. But there are some people-- your closest friends, your therapist-- who don't need that facade. Please let them know that you need help, that you are not a robot, that you are a smart kid who has gone through (and is going through) a lot of horrible shit, and you are nearly breaking and you need to not be strong any more.
How long have you been on the pills? You need to give it time to settle down. If you are still feeling groggy after a few weeks, you should talk to your doctor and maybe try a different medication. This should be something that helps you, not something that makes your life harder.
I wish I could give you concrete help, even just a hug. I really do know some of the pain you are experiencing, and it's painful for me to remember going through much the same thing. All I can give you is the reassurance that life gets better, that you become less under the power of others and more your own creature, that things get easier. There are books and kisses and hot baths and passionate discussions and taking photos of doors in Czechoslovakia. You are going to have a wonderful, full life, and the sensitivity and intelligence that makes this time so painful will become blessings.
You come across as someone who is very intelligent and very young. These two things can both be curses, especially when they come together. As I have gotten older I have found that it gets easier to profess ignorance, to fail to find the right words, to ask for help in simple words. When you are young, you care a lot more about what other people think of you. Even when you hate everyone around you, you can't help but want them to think that you are clever and strong. But there are some people-- your closest friends, your therapist-- who don't need that facade. Please let them know that you need help, that you are not a robot, that you are a smart kid who has gone through (and is going through) a lot of horrible shit, and you are nearly breaking and you need to not be strong any more.
How long have you been on the pills? You need to give it time to settle down. If you are still feeling groggy after a few weeks, you should talk to your doctor and maybe try a different medication. This should be something that helps you, not something that makes your life harder.
I wish I could give you concrete help, even just a hug. I really do know some of the pain you are experiencing, and it's painful for me to remember going through much the same thing. All I can give you is the reassurance that life gets better, that you become less under the power of others and more your own creature, that things get easier. There are books and kisses and hot baths and passionate discussions and taking photos of doors in Czechoslovakia. You are going to have a wonderful, full life, and the sensitivity and intelligence that makes this time so painful will become blessings.
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