(no subject)
Everything stresses me out. A little tweaker light weight I am...tried some things, doesn't help. I can put things aside- bottle emotions up. But then I might unleash it unto a poor soul that might stir up some devilry. His name was everyone. please be careful. I thought that life wasn't going to get better. It was being ridden out with extreme blur, then the concert set me free. There I was back again at the stage. An unimaginable orchestra of lights. a gnar impression on me. Everyone behind me screaming what I was screaming. The words to carry you up and away from your problems and at the same time over focus on them, too many...blocks it out. being high while learning to fly. hot hot heat, foo fighters,.....and WEEZER!!!! fuck yes, I was back. The part of was innerds that comes alive and makes you want to be a rockstar. makes you want to use your creativity to touch people. my anthem this fall was sung by black frame glasses. he looked like buddy holly, and i likey.
Then as soon as I return back to school, open my dorm door, in my room....that....smell. cope and b.o. DAMN! I need out. I got problems with people starring at me. It's acceptable when the person is 3/4 asleep. but just go back to sleep.....morning-chinese class. ok. it went-thats all. then I get to the dining hall and my card's declined because there's some hold on it. No big deal. I'm dealing with that right now so i can go get some munchies. It doesn't help to get out of my (lack of help from not wanting to take pills) depression phase that doesn't go away once I leave and arena of goddly presences and sound waves. if I keep listening to ballads like hurt by cash on my walking around campus. It's freezing but I am not cold walking around. pinstripes and cravings of flying kites make the day a impressionistic purple piercing thru a sky of light blue. Like the movie Pi, i am taking in everything I see with a value of realism like painters so. Everythings mathematical layout, and growth, movement- the shadows and texture, its history. nothing slips my mind even though it is lost. Being totally aware-a special level of consciousness.
In an open relationship being jealous of the girl because she can get the other person she wants to fill in the gaps. drives me crazy when she opens her phone during the concert to let the guy on the other line listen to what I want my special someone to hear. Its not regret spending too much money. or spending it on someone who 1-you know you wont be with forever, 2-thinks of other people during moments that should be just for you two and the five thousand other two's in the arena. regret that it couldn't be spent on someone that knows how to tickle all your buttons and doesnt have to think about it. 4-not taking the person the has been slipping away for the past 3 years, someone when it was so close you could die happy, 5-knowing that that someone is crazy for you, 6-knowing that she finally got to go to a show with you but in the end gave you the cold shoulder and broke your heart again casue she was unshur about how to just let go, 7-knowing she was everything you wanted and that feeling of thinking someone was so fun real and great was growing less and less from that, maybe because i was trying to convince myself she wasnt everything so i could move on from the biggest high hope mother fucking letdown of my life, 8-regretting doubting her even though my consciousness of her reality could not be mistaken and she...after all that thinking...is probably not the girl for me, and we missed our window, and should have just got as much sexual and physical closeness while we had the chance and taken for that instead of working on fixing our head and our emotional romantic bond regret.
Regret not taking the girl i love that fucked me over...FUCK NO!!!!! regret not taking someone new and extremely desireable(both physical and mentally, mainly because getting to know new people is exciting. but thats what i get for meeting new people that already have their own lives, its hard to fit yourself in theirs) YES!!!
I am shouting into the heavens to thrown down upon my another great concert and strike me with all its glory. Let the gods conctruct another film that pushes the limits of passing mine and making me tear from expectations achieved and overwhelmed. Its not a me. And because I have failed with everyone else.
My space has been left alone. all there is is a deep black suit with a black shirt and tie. like my man cash.
It's interesting still being a little stoned from the evening before. Mainly because i feel that i am this fucking terrific writer or some shit so i go all dramatic and push words together for an effect that will only sound genius in my mind and only at this time. A friend is trying to get her paper finished and turned in but i'm too out of it to show i care when i do and even help her cause i'm typing write now and have to take care or my tuition so my meal card gets re-activated. I can't deal with her shit. leave me alone. shur ur like my only friend but i want the pain. bring it on. the struggle to be alone continues. It's depressing, I'm depressing, violent, bottled up, emotional, creative as fuck, sweet, charming, and i will watch every bruce willis movie i own in a row without sleeping just to say i did it, or go on and on about the other movie marathons that i supposedly have had to make myself seem more a nut even though i never had them. back to work. trying to make myself a new home in bellingham. What will i be for halloween. definitely captain america, thinkin about jack the pumpkin king, and jay and silent bob with my best friend jon. i will be bob, cause i am planning on gettin too trashed to be able to fuckin speak.
Then as soon as I return back to school, open my dorm door, in my room....that....smell. cope and b.o. DAMN! I need out. I got problems with people starring at me. It's acceptable when the person is 3/4 asleep. but just go back to sleep.....morning-chinese class. ok. it went-thats all. then I get to the dining hall and my card's declined because there's some hold on it. No big deal. I'm dealing with that right now so i can go get some munchies. It doesn't help to get out of my (lack of help from not wanting to take pills) depression phase that doesn't go away once I leave and arena of goddly presences and sound waves. if I keep listening to ballads like hurt by cash on my walking around campus. It's freezing but I am not cold walking around. pinstripes and cravings of flying kites make the day a impressionistic purple piercing thru a sky of light blue. Like the movie Pi, i am taking in everything I see with a value of realism like painters so. Everythings mathematical layout, and growth, movement- the shadows and texture, its history. nothing slips my mind even though it is lost. Being totally aware-a special level of consciousness.
In an open relationship being jealous of the girl because she can get the other person she wants to fill in the gaps. drives me crazy when she opens her phone during the concert to let the guy on the other line listen to what I want my special someone to hear. Its not regret spending too much money. or spending it on someone who 1-you know you wont be with forever, 2-thinks of other people during moments that should be just for you two and the five thousand other two's in the arena. regret that it couldn't be spent on someone that knows how to tickle all your buttons and doesnt have to think about it. 4-not taking the person the has been slipping away for the past 3 years, someone when it was so close you could die happy, 5-knowing that that someone is crazy for you, 6-knowing that she finally got to go to a show with you but in the end gave you the cold shoulder and broke your heart again casue she was unshur about how to just let go, 7-knowing she was everything you wanted and that feeling of thinking someone was so fun real and great was growing less and less from that, maybe because i was trying to convince myself she wasnt everything so i could move on from the biggest high hope mother fucking letdown of my life, 8-regretting doubting her even though my consciousness of her reality could not be mistaken and she...after all that thinking...is probably not the girl for me, and we missed our window, and should have just got as much sexual and physical closeness while we had the chance and taken for that instead of working on fixing our head and our emotional romantic bond regret.
Regret not taking the girl i love that fucked me over...FUCK NO!!!!! regret not taking someone new and extremely desireable(both physical and mentally, mainly because getting to know new people is exciting. but thats what i get for meeting new people that already have their own lives, its hard to fit yourself in theirs) YES!!!
I am shouting into the heavens to thrown down upon my another great concert and strike me with all its glory. Let the gods conctruct another film that pushes the limits of passing mine and making me tear from expectations achieved and overwhelmed. Its not a me. And because I have failed with everyone else.
My space has been left alone. all there is is a deep black suit with a black shirt and tie. like my man cash.
It's interesting still being a little stoned from the evening before. Mainly because i feel that i am this fucking terrific writer or some shit so i go all dramatic and push words together for an effect that will only sound genius in my mind and only at this time. A friend is trying to get her paper finished and turned in but i'm too out of it to show i care when i do and even help her cause i'm typing write now and have to take care or my tuition so my meal card gets re-activated. I can't deal with her shit. leave me alone. shur ur like my only friend but i want the pain. bring it on. the struggle to be alone continues. It's depressing, I'm depressing, violent, bottled up, emotional, creative as fuck, sweet, charming, and i will watch every bruce willis movie i own in a row without sleeping just to say i did it, or go on and on about the other movie marathons that i supposedly have had to make myself seem more a nut even though i never had them. back to work. trying to make myself a new home in bellingham. What will i be for halloween. definitely captain america, thinkin about jack the pumpkin king, and jay and silent bob with my best friend jon. i will be bob, cause i am planning on gettin too trashed to be able to fuckin speak.