Wanted 2/2
Title: Wanted
pairing for: Jongkey
genre: angsty, romance
Rating: NC-17
Beta: a_life_defiant
Summary: AU. Story of life of two men who grew up together and even though everything seemed to be pushing them there, they refuse to grow appart.
Warning: drugs
Part one
*Past*
http://minewishinee.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/jongkey-15.jpg?w=445
Not long after the incident with the foreign girls, I dyed my hair blond too. It was another Friday night and we wanted to go somewhere less stuffy this time. Kibum had his hair dark once again; highlighted with a dark red stripes.
“Your parents are gonna kill you.” He said when we sat by the table in the furthest corner of the club. I light up my cigarette and clicked my tongue.
“If not for grades than for blond hair, who cares.” I scanned the dance floor. There were lots of nice girls nowadays. Kibum watched with me and sighed.
“What?” I looked at him surprise. The night was just starting.
“I dunno, I had this talk with my mom and dad. They keep nagging about college.” He didn’t even open the cigarettes he bought with me on our way back from school that night. The box of menthol Marlboro was lying lonely on the table. That was serious, I thought.
“Mine too.” I agreed. Kibum kept biting his lower lip while nervously tapping his fingers on his thigh.
I shifted closer with my chair and covered his hand with mine, trying to make him still for a second and get his attention. He snapped out of his thoughts and looked at me. I made my puppy eyes and smiled to encourage him.
“You should go, you know. You were always good student.” He said and I frowned. I didn’t like this new Kibum. He was never worried. Ever. He was the part of me which I always came to search for when my own brain started to nag at me about life and responsibilities.
“Who are you and what did you do to my Key?” I joked trying to lighten the atmosphere. His face relaxed a bit and he smiled.
“Haha, funny. I am just saying that we are gonna start 3rd grade soon and that if you are not aware of it, it will decide the rest of your life.” He finally then reached for the cigarettes and lit up his first one. I nodded. I knew...hell I knew that well enough without him telling me.
That’s how later that night we both ended up just sitting in the back, smoking one cigarette after another; drinking not much more than one beer. Did we grow up and tire of drinks and cigarettes already?
“Geez, tonight sucks.” I yawned. He had his head on my shoulder for a long time, humming to the songs he knew.
“Hn.” He agreed lazily.
After few minutes more he asked. “Wanna go home?”
We took a taxi and returned home before 11PM. Key’s mom was still in the kitchen, probably preparing some meal for tomorrow. She looked surprised that we are home so soon; and on our own legs. But she could be only happy about it, so she gave us dinner and we disappeared into Key’s room.
Key. That was how I started calling him just few weeks ago. One night we spent doing karaoke with some girls and we rapped. When I saw the initial K on the screen, I looked at him. Key, he was a key to experiencing. He was a key to fun. That night, when he said he wanted to try something exciting with me and took out some weed, he was a key to something I would prefer to stay locked for the rest of our lives. Nevertheless, we had a joint. It was fun. It saved the night, to be exact. After almost two years being Kibum´s best friend, having a boring Friday night was unacceptable. I was used to having fun and turning off after long week. This first joint, it not only made our night fun, but it helped us to make it first night of sober sex. I mean...we had sex before. After that accident with the foreign girls, if we weren’t lucky or simply too lazy to try, we just ended up making out together. But that night, we were sober, we weren’t exactly sexually deprived either. But I felt like I really was seeing some new person. I watched him inhaling the drug with eyes closed. Long dark eyelashes fluttering against his sharp cheekbones. His jawline tensing with every inhale. I refused to get another round when he offered the joint back. I just wanted to watch. After he finished it and step it out, I didn’t hesitate to hold his beautiful face in my palm and join my lips with his. It was a slow, long and tender brush. When I looked into his eyes again, he was smiling. I kissed him again, licking his lips to get access. I shifted over him and our tongues were lazily playing with each other for several lazy minutes. That night I made sure it was the least painful for him as possible. I knew how to prepare him, he knew he could even demand it, but in our high nights neither of us really cared. That night was start of something different.
*Present*
The road to Muju was slow. I wasn’t exactly hurrying either. It was long time. A long time of waiting, a long time thinking. What if he didn’t change? What if he will be the same again as soon as he gets his first chance? My hands on the steering wheel tensed. No. Everything will be alright again. After all he went through for past 8 months. After all I went through for past 12 years...
*Past*
I was preparing for the final exam. It’s been a while since I dyed my hair back black and properly attended all the lessons. I still kept spending Friday nights at Key’s, but we hardly ever went out. My mom was happy to see that my grades at the last quarter of 3rd year went up again and that I seemed to get grip of my appearance again too. It was Friday night and I was reading a book in Key’s bed. Lying naked under the covers; satiated. It was months since Key and I had realized that we had gotten tired of the wild nights with nameless faces in our laps. Now, not only on Friday nights. Not just at night, with every touch - brush of our hands in the school corridor, when his again blond hair ticked my cheek, when he let his head rest against my shoulder on the school rooftop or the bench in a park - with every touch I was falling for him more and more.
Yeah, the almost 19 years old Kim Jonghyun was crazily, deeply, inevitably and … conclusively in love with his best friend Key.
He finished his shower and came back to his bed, joining me under the covers. I purred and closed the book, nuzzling my face between his shoulder and neck.
“You smell good.”
He giggled and shook me off.
“No more rounds tonight. I need to be able to walk tomorrow.” He said.
I put the book on the nightstand and turned on my side watching him next to me. He was sitting, his back resting against the head of the bed.
“What for?” I asked, joking mostly... but...
“I’ve got to go to Neo.” He named one of the clubs of his father.
I frowned. Saturday night in a club? Without me? Without telling me he had plans?
“Why?”
“Naah, Yungmo hyung will bring me stuff there. I am running out of the weed.” I watched him how he lit up another joint. Was it the third that night?
“You smoke it way too much lately.” I stated.
He looked at me and blew the smoke right into my face.
“Your fault that you never join me anymore.” He handed me the joint but I refused.
I was getting sick of the scent and I wasn’t joining him because I’d simply lost interest in it. Yeah, it was nice to feel so light all the time, but I had stuff to concentrate on. Graduation, entrance exam on college... I needed to keep my head straight.
“No thanks.” I knitted my brows.
“Wanna go with me? It’s been a while since we went out dancing and had fun.” I refused.
My cousin Jinki was having his graduation on Saturday, he had just became a doctor. It was something to celebrate.
“Fine.” Key ground out the joint and turned off the lights.
Soon I felt his body shifting closer to mine. His hand on my hip and his tongue licking my nipple. I had to smile.
“You said no more rounds tonight.” I run my fingers through his hair, making sure that he knows I am definitely up for another if he agreed. He knelt up between my legs and brought the quilt over his head; his eyes hazy and his motions slow.
“Sucking you off does not hurt. You know how much I love it...” I laughed a little and bit on my lip when he disappeared down between my legs with covers over his head. God yeah, I knew.
*Present*
I saw the diversion signed “Brand new day asylum 10 km”. My heart started to beat quicker. I turned to the right and all the doubts disappeared as if with the pass of magic wand. Key, my Kibum....
*Past*
http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/359/3/a/jongkey_wallpaper_3_by_ohmyyoochun-d35msx6.png
“Look! And here is the bathroom. The bathtub is large! I totally can´t wait to have you in there.” I said and hugged my 21 years old boyfriend from behind, kissing him on his neck. He let his hands over mine crossed on his belly and smiled. His hands were cold, but I already got used to it.
“It’s beautiful, honeybee.” He agreed and brought his hand to his nose, wiping it off for no reason.
I got used to it. Of course it was troubling me, but I believed that once I got the flat for us, we’d start to live together without my parents interfering all the time and that he might stop. Stop clubbing, drinking...sniffing that shit. Yeah. Key was on drugs. I lost track of what kind he was taking recently. It started somewhere in my first year of college. I got busy in school, while he got back to clubbing with his new friends from the “weed society”. I never had problem with that. I sometimes tagged along with them and I knew that they are not really the type to fuck random girls or guys at the disco. There was a lot of couples in the group. They just had fun. So I never really argued with Key going out with them. He loved me and I loved him. I was pretty sure about that ,and I never felt worried about him cheating on me. He left home when I was in my 2nd year. His parents actually never stopped nagging about going off to college. He found himself part time job and rented a small room in the city. About that time I told my parents about him. I wanted him to come live with us, but … I was naive. My mom was crying that she knew something was wrong with the two of us ever since the time we started to hang out. My father got so drunk that day I couldn't even tell it was him when he got back from pub. So...no living together. They didn’t demand for me to break up with him. But they made sure I knew that that was exactly what they’d wished for.
That’s how Key stayed in the room, alone if not with his friends; bored. I was busy with school. I tried to spend as much time with him as I could. I missed him freaking much when I couldn’t be with him. And so, when I was 23, I graduated. I found myself job even sooner than I had gotten my diploma. There was a reason. I wanted job, I wanted my place, and I wanted Key at my place with me. Even though the last year of the university was mostly just memories about us arguing. He asked me a few times if I could lend him some money for rent. When it happened third time, I couldn’t help but finally ask how come he gets no money of his own anymore; if he lost his job or something. That was when he told me that he just spends bit more nowadays on outings. Not a long time after that, I found the small packs of white powder, his drugs, in his bathroom. I yelled at him, he yelled at me. I told him he’s gonna stop right now, he said he had everything under control. The fact that I couldn't tell without finding the stuff lulled me into a false sense of security. He didn’t seem any difference. After we finished the yelling, then had long and very sensual physical reconciliation, I said I was worried. He said he takes it only when he goes out with friends, and I believed him.
There were signs. He started to take the drugs much more frequently. I was searching for job and preparing for graduation exam. I was telling myself that when I get a flat and a job, I will take him with me and he will stop. Eventually he will settle down, find a real job. And here I thought I had it when he moved in with me. But that was a mistake. He got this freak-like haircut, and he eventually lost his part time job because he often didn’t make it to his shift. Sometimes, he even didn’t come home for days....
*Present*
I finally saw the sanatorium in the horizon.
“Kim Jonghyun, calm down...calm down.” I felt the smile stretching all over my face and I slapped my own cheek playfully. I couldn’t wait. What would he look like? When I saw him last time he was skinny and pale.
*Past*
“Jinki hyung? It’s Jonghyun.” I said into the phone.
My voice hoarse. I was up whole night. Again.
“Hey Jonghyun-ah. What’s up with you? Not feeling well?” He asked with this optimistic tingly voice of his.
“Can you do me a favor?” I asked and scratched my neck.
I felt bad for asking yet another favor. My cousin Jinki was the one who really knew about how things were with Key. I never told my parents, they’d never let it go. It was Jinki who once lent me a car when Kibum called me in tears, one morning after I didn't see him for two days, saying that he was in Pusan. He said he had no idea how he got there and that he spent past few hours searching for someone who’d let him call me. And then that he couldn’t remember my phone number....
That day I took day off in Jinki´s car and went to pick him up. It was also Jinki hyung who came when I found Key passed out in our bed at home. Jinki, my cousin’s doctor, came soon and said that he would be ok. That he probably just fainted because of undernourishment. That night I told my cousin whole truth about my boyfriend. Jinki took Key into the hospital. I spent there with Key whole 3 days. Key didn’t show any signs of addiction. He never asked for his drugs, and he ate what he was told to eat. After we got home we had long night full of touching, kissing, and lovemaking. When he finally fell asleep, I left the bed. For the first time in all my 25 years, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried a river. Seeing Key high, having sex with him knowing that he took something just an hour ago...watching this was painful. But it was circle that kept us trapped. I never tried to find a way out. But that day...after I saw him blacked out, skinny, and sick. Especially after I saw him in full energy and clean, that night after we came back from hospital... I wanted him back. I wanted back the old Key I fell in love with. The beautiful Key with spiky black hair, clean porcelain skin, fresh, and witty. That night, when I held his hips, slowly moving inside of him. That night when I let him come past my lips, tasting him for a long time on my tongue... I wanted to believe that the nightmare was over. But after he fell asleep. It was just this sick reality again.
“What is it?” Jinki asked, not sounding concerned just yet.
“He didn’t come home. For three days. Could you check the database of hospitals? I just...I just wanna be sure he is ok.” Jinki sighed. I heard him typing on his PC and waited; my heart racing quickly.
“Nope. He was not hospitalized.” He said dryly.
“Thanks hyung.” I said.
Not hanging on though. I felt the tears coming and... I needed to get things off of my chest before I go to work. Why? Because I was already warned twice by my boss that my results are poor. And the way I keep taking more and more days off is absolutely unacceptable.
“Jonghyun-ah. You know well that because he was not hospitalized doesn’t mean he is ok. How long has it been since he’s lost control over it? Six years? How long are you going to support what he is doing? Damn, that man is 26 years old. He has no job. He has no interests. He is just using you!” Jinki raised his voice.
“You are wrong. You don’t know him enough to say such things hyung.” I sighed, wiping the tears off my face. There was silence.
“Well, thanks hyung. I will just...he will come back again.” I hung up, went to wash my face, put on a suit, and go to work. That night when I came home Kibum was back. He was sitting on the chair by the table in the kitchen. Dressed only in his bathing suit; his hair still wet from the shower. When he heard me enter he turned around. His eyes were bloodshot and he had deep shadows under his eyes.
“I am sorry.” Was the first thing he said.
His chin started to tremble and I wanted to be mad. Hell I was mad, I swear I was. But how could I yell at him when he was in such a condition? He cried a lot that night. He said he was scared of himself now and that he wanted to stop. He hugged me tight and cried on my shoulder. Under my arms, his slim body was trembling. I took him to our bed and held him until he was able to speak again. He agreed to go for group therapy. He will come with me to my office everyday until he finds his own job where he can spend his days. In the evenings we will always be together. Outside, outing, clubbing, dancing, eating. Together once again.
Things worked for a while. He found a job as a hairstylist near our flat. He loved the job and even though he never really studied to be hairstylist he was obviously talented. We were eating out in restaurants often. Friday nights we were out in a bar or club. We were happy again, almost as happy as we used to be back in high school. He felt more real under my arms in a club, his curvy hips moving into the rhythm of the music as we danced. I felt more real when I watched him on my lap, riding me slowly looking down into my eyes and smiling.
It was just two years ago when the nightmare started all over again. This time, it was drinking. I don’t wanna remember all the details and the progression it took. He lost his job again. Unlike the drugs, the alcohol gave us more space to talk sober because the aftereffects weren't so heavy. At those times he really searched for new job. He did. Once I was waiting for him. Knowing he would come home trashed again. It was very late, and if I hadn’t gone to check if he wasn’t coming yet I probably wouldn’t have found him in front of the door; leaning against it with his forehead. He probably would have slept there like that till the morning. The next day was my 29th birthday. In the morning he came to me and with this sweet seducing eyes of his, and he persuaded me that he would stop. He kissed me deeply; his hand down my pants.
“Key, I cannot … I...” Tears started to stream down my face.
He kissed every one of them. We ended up having rather violent sex against the kitchen counter. Indeed, he stopped. Things were looking good until one night when he once again, didn't come home. In the morning, I found a message on my answer phone. He was crying. And drunk or high... I couldn't tell. All the message said was, that he never got really better. That he just mastered how to hide things from me. He said he loves me more than anything else, and that even though he’d done weird stuff when he was high or drunk, even though he had blackouts, he never cheated on me cause he always was happy with me and never lacked anything. The message finished with the address of the sanatorium he signed himself into with help of my cousin, whom he went to see that morning.
“I am getting clean once and forever Jjong-a. And I hope -, I hope after that, you’ll still want me. Bye.”
*Present*
http://img703.imageshack.us/i/1855d.jpg/
I got out of the car and looked at the building. On a first sight it looked like nice countryside pension. But then I spotted the bars in the windows. I shivered... I would have no idea how he suffered if I didn't ask Jinki. Jinki showed me a video of junkies overcoming their addiction. Tied to bed, in pain, sweating and screaming. Now when I see the building that Key had to go through all of this in, and willingly... My chest cramped in this weird pain.
I got a call from him. Last month. We talked just like three or five minutes. He said he was clean. That he will be leaving the sanatorium in a month. I promised to pick him up. That was all we said. He didn't ask assurance, and I didn't give any. But the more I was nearing the door, the more I was nearing him, I knew that I don’t want anything else but to have him back home in my arms. But 8 months was 8 months. It might take time...
The door opened sooner than I could reach them. It was him. He was standing there. Black jeans showing he’s got most of his muscles and fat back. His t-shirt hanging on shoulders much larger than I ever saw on him. Sure he looked healthy. His cheeks round, his eyes sparkling just as at the day we talked on the rooftop of our school.
“Hey.” He smiled. I couldn’t tell if he was nervous. I smiled back nervously.
“Hey.”
All he had with him was just small hand bag with clothes he probably bought after he settled down here. We started to walk towards my car. I kept peeking on him. He giggled.
“Stop it.”
I laughed.
“You are...beefy.” I pointed out. His skin was tan and velvety as I remember from old times. He waved his hand that he is far from being muscular yet.
“I worked out, though. Life here gets pretty boring. Either you chew your nails off or you find how to enjoy your time here.”
I nodded.
“You know how I like my nails, so...” He added with a smile.
I opened the trunk so he could throw his handbag there. When we got into the car he asked.
“Is this yours?” He looked around.
“Yeah. From my company. For my outstanding results.” I smiled.
He looked at me and his eyes got a bit watery. Yeah, he realized just as I did, that if we stayed together as it used to be I would most probably have lost the job, and not gained a car and status.
It was a bit awkward. He rubbed his eyes before speaking again in unstable voice.
“No presents?! Your cousin was more generous when he was coming here to see me.” He shifted on his seat pretending to be mad, but he was fighting a smile.
“I would come here with presents too, if you allowed me to come.” I said and kicked the engine on.
It was quiet for a while.
“I wanted to get 100% healthy before showing my face in front of you again.” He said.
I nodded. Damn....I just wanna stop the car and hug the boy next to me so much now.
“Could you hand me my sunglasses please? They’re in the dashboard.” I asked him.
He first had to figure out how to get inside which took him just few seconds. I kept my eyes on the road, but I felt the smile crawling on my face already. He laughed for a second and then tried to get together a serious face.
“Very funny Kim Jonghyun.” He took out a nailbrush, which was the only thing inside.
“Well, I though you’d need it for your chewed-off nails.” I explained on my defense.
“One would almost expect a ring or … damn, a rose would do.” He murmured but as I looked quickly at him, he was inspecting at the present closely; showing clear interest in it.
“Never saw one like it, right? I bought it on my business trip to Prague. It’s crystal. Handmade.” I pointed out.
He wasn’t saying anything at all. Soon I could here quiet sobbing. I kept my eyes on the road and put my hand on his thigh; squeezing it for encouragement.
“Next time I am totally taking you with me.”
pairing for: Jongkey
genre: angsty, romance
Rating: NC-17
Beta: a_life_defiant
Summary: AU. Story of life of two men who grew up together and even though everything seemed to be pushing them there, they refuse to grow appart.
Warning: drugs
Part one
*Past*
http://minewishinee.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/jongkey-15.jpg?w=445
Not long after the incident with the foreign girls, I dyed my hair blond too. It was another Friday night and we wanted to go somewhere less stuffy this time. Kibum had his hair dark once again; highlighted with a dark red stripes.
“Your parents are gonna kill you.” He said when we sat by the table in the furthest corner of the club. I light up my cigarette and clicked my tongue.
“If not for grades than for blond hair, who cares.” I scanned the dance floor. There were lots of nice girls nowadays. Kibum watched with me and sighed.
“What?” I looked at him surprise. The night was just starting.
“I dunno, I had this talk with my mom and dad. They keep nagging about college.” He didn’t even open the cigarettes he bought with me on our way back from school that night. The box of menthol Marlboro was lying lonely on the table. That was serious, I thought.
“Mine too.” I agreed. Kibum kept biting his lower lip while nervously tapping his fingers on his thigh.
I shifted closer with my chair and covered his hand with mine, trying to make him still for a second and get his attention. He snapped out of his thoughts and looked at me. I made my puppy eyes and smiled to encourage him.
“You should go, you know. You were always good student.” He said and I frowned. I didn’t like this new Kibum. He was never worried. Ever. He was the part of me which I always came to search for when my own brain started to nag at me about life and responsibilities.
“Who are you and what did you do to my Key?” I joked trying to lighten the atmosphere. His face relaxed a bit and he smiled.
“Haha, funny. I am just saying that we are gonna start 3rd grade soon and that if you are not aware of it, it will decide the rest of your life.” He finally then reached for the cigarettes and lit up his first one. I nodded. I knew...hell I knew that well enough without him telling me.
That’s how later that night we both ended up just sitting in the back, smoking one cigarette after another; drinking not much more than one beer. Did we grow up and tire of drinks and cigarettes already?
“Geez, tonight sucks.” I yawned. He had his head on my shoulder for a long time, humming to the songs he knew.
“Hn.” He agreed lazily.
After few minutes more he asked. “Wanna go home?”
We took a taxi and returned home before 11PM. Key’s mom was still in the kitchen, probably preparing some meal for tomorrow. She looked surprised that we are home so soon; and on our own legs. But she could be only happy about it, so she gave us dinner and we disappeared into Key’s room.
Key. That was how I started calling him just few weeks ago. One night we spent doing karaoke with some girls and we rapped. When I saw the initial K on the screen, I looked at him. Key, he was a key to experiencing. He was a key to fun. That night, when he said he wanted to try something exciting with me and took out some weed, he was a key to something I would prefer to stay locked for the rest of our lives. Nevertheless, we had a joint. It was fun. It saved the night, to be exact. After almost two years being Kibum´s best friend, having a boring Friday night was unacceptable. I was used to having fun and turning off after long week. This first joint, it not only made our night fun, but it helped us to make it first night of sober sex. I mean...we had sex before. After that accident with the foreign girls, if we weren’t lucky or simply too lazy to try, we just ended up making out together. But that night, we were sober, we weren’t exactly sexually deprived either. But I felt like I really was seeing some new person. I watched him inhaling the drug with eyes closed. Long dark eyelashes fluttering against his sharp cheekbones. His jawline tensing with every inhale. I refused to get another round when he offered the joint back. I just wanted to watch. After he finished it and step it out, I didn’t hesitate to hold his beautiful face in my palm and join my lips with his. It was a slow, long and tender brush. When I looked into his eyes again, he was smiling. I kissed him again, licking his lips to get access. I shifted over him and our tongues were lazily playing with each other for several lazy minutes. That night I made sure it was the least painful for him as possible. I knew how to prepare him, he knew he could even demand it, but in our high nights neither of us really cared. That night was start of something different.
*Present*
The road to Muju was slow. I wasn’t exactly hurrying either. It was long time. A long time of waiting, a long time thinking. What if he didn’t change? What if he will be the same again as soon as he gets his first chance? My hands on the steering wheel tensed. No. Everything will be alright again. After all he went through for past 8 months. After all I went through for past 12 years...
*Past*
I was preparing for the final exam. It’s been a while since I dyed my hair back black and properly attended all the lessons. I still kept spending Friday nights at Key’s, but we hardly ever went out. My mom was happy to see that my grades at the last quarter of 3rd year went up again and that I seemed to get grip of my appearance again too. It was Friday night and I was reading a book in Key’s bed. Lying naked under the covers; satiated. It was months since Key and I had realized that we had gotten tired of the wild nights with nameless faces in our laps. Now, not only on Friday nights. Not just at night, with every touch - brush of our hands in the school corridor, when his again blond hair ticked my cheek, when he let his head rest against my shoulder on the school rooftop or the bench in a park - with every touch I was falling for him more and more.
Yeah, the almost 19 years old Kim Jonghyun was crazily, deeply, inevitably and … conclusively in love with his best friend Key.
He finished his shower and came back to his bed, joining me under the covers. I purred and closed the book, nuzzling my face between his shoulder and neck.
“You smell good.”
He giggled and shook me off.
“No more rounds tonight. I need to be able to walk tomorrow.” He said.
I put the book on the nightstand and turned on my side watching him next to me. He was sitting, his back resting against the head of the bed.
“What for?” I asked, joking mostly... but...
“I’ve got to go to Neo.” He named one of the clubs of his father.
I frowned. Saturday night in a club? Without me? Without telling me he had plans?
“Why?”
“Naah, Yungmo hyung will bring me stuff there. I am running out of the weed.” I watched him how he lit up another joint. Was it the third that night?
“You smoke it way too much lately.” I stated.
He looked at me and blew the smoke right into my face.
“Your fault that you never join me anymore.” He handed me the joint but I refused.
I was getting sick of the scent and I wasn’t joining him because I’d simply lost interest in it. Yeah, it was nice to feel so light all the time, but I had stuff to concentrate on. Graduation, entrance exam on college... I needed to keep my head straight.
“No thanks.” I knitted my brows.
“Wanna go with me? It’s been a while since we went out dancing and had fun.” I refused.
My cousin Jinki was having his graduation on Saturday, he had just became a doctor. It was something to celebrate.
“Fine.” Key ground out the joint and turned off the lights.
Soon I felt his body shifting closer to mine. His hand on my hip and his tongue licking my nipple. I had to smile.
“You said no more rounds tonight.” I run my fingers through his hair, making sure that he knows I am definitely up for another if he agreed. He knelt up between my legs and brought the quilt over his head; his eyes hazy and his motions slow.
“Sucking you off does not hurt. You know how much I love it...” I laughed a little and bit on my lip when he disappeared down between my legs with covers over his head. God yeah, I knew.
*Present*
I saw the diversion signed “Brand new day asylum 10 km”. My heart started to beat quicker. I turned to the right and all the doubts disappeared as if with the pass of magic wand. Key, my Kibum....
*Past*
http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/359/3/a/jongkey_wallpaper_3_by_ohmyyoochun-d35msx6.png
“Look! And here is the bathroom. The bathtub is large! I totally can´t wait to have you in there.” I said and hugged my 21 years old boyfriend from behind, kissing him on his neck. He let his hands over mine crossed on his belly and smiled. His hands were cold, but I already got used to it.
“It’s beautiful, honeybee.” He agreed and brought his hand to his nose, wiping it off for no reason.
I got used to it. Of course it was troubling me, but I believed that once I got the flat for us, we’d start to live together without my parents interfering all the time and that he might stop. Stop clubbing, drinking...sniffing that shit. Yeah. Key was on drugs. I lost track of what kind he was taking recently. It started somewhere in my first year of college. I got busy in school, while he got back to clubbing with his new friends from the “weed society”. I never had problem with that. I sometimes tagged along with them and I knew that they are not really the type to fuck random girls or guys at the disco. There was a lot of couples in the group. They just had fun. So I never really argued with Key going out with them. He loved me and I loved him. I was pretty sure about that ,and I never felt worried about him cheating on me. He left home when I was in my 2nd year. His parents actually never stopped nagging about going off to college. He found himself part time job and rented a small room in the city. About that time I told my parents about him. I wanted him to come live with us, but … I was naive. My mom was crying that she knew something was wrong with the two of us ever since the time we started to hang out. My father got so drunk that day I couldn't even tell it was him when he got back from pub. So...no living together. They didn’t demand for me to break up with him. But they made sure I knew that that was exactly what they’d wished for.
That’s how Key stayed in the room, alone if not with his friends; bored. I was busy with school. I tried to spend as much time with him as I could. I missed him freaking much when I couldn’t be with him. And so, when I was 23, I graduated. I found myself job even sooner than I had gotten my diploma. There was a reason. I wanted job, I wanted my place, and I wanted Key at my place with me. Even though the last year of the university was mostly just memories about us arguing. He asked me a few times if I could lend him some money for rent. When it happened third time, I couldn’t help but finally ask how come he gets no money of his own anymore; if he lost his job or something. That was when he told me that he just spends bit more nowadays on outings. Not a long time after that, I found the small packs of white powder, his drugs, in his bathroom. I yelled at him, he yelled at me. I told him he’s gonna stop right now, he said he had everything under control. The fact that I couldn't tell without finding the stuff lulled me into a false sense of security. He didn’t seem any difference. After we finished the yelling, then had long and very sensual physical reconciliation, I said I was worried. He said he takes it only when he goes out with friends, and I believed him.
There were signs. He started to take the drugs much more frequently. I was searching for job and preparing for graduation exam. I was telling myself that when I get a flat and a job, I will take him with me and he will stop. Eventually he will settle down, find a real job. And here I thought I had it when he moved in with me. But that was a mistake. He got this freak-like haircut, and he eventually lost his part time job because he often didn’t make it to his shift. Sometimes, he even didn’t come home for days....
*Present*
I finally saw the sanatorium in the horizon.
“Kim Jonghyun, calm down...calm down.” I felt the smile stretching all over my face and I slapped my own cheek playfully. I couldn’t wait. What would he look like? When I saw him last time he was skinny and pale.
*Past*
“Jinki hyung? It’s Jonghyun.” I said into the phone.
My voice hoarse. I was up whole night. Again.
“Hey Jonghyun-ah. What’s up with you? Not feeling well?” He asked with this optimistic tingly voice of his.
“Can you do me a favor?” I asked and scratched my neck.
I felt bad for asking yet another favor. My cousin Jinki was the one who really knew about how things were with Key. I never told my parents, they’d never let it go. It was Jinki who once lent me a car when Kibum called me in tears, one morning after I didn't see him for two days, saying that he was in Pusan. He said he had no idea how he got there and that he spent past few hours searching for someone who’d let him call me. And then that he couldn’t remember my phone number....
That day I took day off in Jinki´s car and went to pick him up. It was also Jinki hyung who came when I found Key passed out in our bed at home. Jinki, my cousin’s doctor, came soon and said that he would be ok. That he probably just fainted because of undernourishment. That night I told my cousin whole truth about my boyfriend. Jinki took Key into the hospital. I spent there with Key whole 3 days. Key didn’t show any signs of addiction. He never asked for his drugs, and he ate what he was told to eat. After we got home we had long night full of touching, kissing, and lovemaking. When he finally fell asleep, I left the bed. For the first time in all my 25 years, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried a river. Seeing Key high, having sex with him knowing that he took something just an hour ago...watching this was painful. But it was circle that kept us trapped. I never tried to find a way out. But that day...after I saw him blacked out, skinny, and sick. Especially after I saw him in full energy and clean, that night after we came back from hospital... I wanted him back. I wanted back the old Key I fell in love with. The beautiful Key with spiky black hair, clean porcelain skin, fresh, and witty. That night, when I held his hips, slowly moving inside of him. That night when I let him come past my lips, tasting him for a long time on my tongue... I wanted to believe that the nightmare was over. But after he fell asleep. It was just this sick reality again.
“What is it?” Jinki asked, not sounding concerned just yet.
“He didn’t come home. For three days. Could you check the database of hospitals? I just...I just wanna be sure he is ok.” Jinki sighed. I heard him typing on his PC and waited; my heart racing quickly.
“Nope. He was not hospitalized.” He said dryly.
“Thanks hyung.” I said.
Not hanging on though. I felt the tears coming and... I needed to get things off of my chest before I go to work. Why? Because I was already warned twice by my boss that my results are poor. And the way I keep taking more and more days off is absolutely unacceptable.
“Jonghyun-ah. You know well that because he was not hospitalized doesn’t mean he is ok. How long has it been since he’s lost control over it? Six years? How long are you going to support what he is doing? Damn, that man is 26 years old. He has no job. He has no interests. He is just using you!” Jinki raised his voice.
“You are wrong. You don’t know him enough to say such things hyung.” I sighed, wiping the tears off my face. There was silence.
“Well, thanks hyung. I will just...he will come back again.” I hung up, went to wash my face, put on a suit, and go to work. That night when I came home Kibum was back. He was sitting on the chair by the table in the kitchen. Dressed only in his bathing suit; his hair still wet from the shower. When he heard me enter he turned around. His eyes were bloodshot and he had deep shadows under his eyes.
“I am sorry.” Was the first thing he said.
His chin started to tremble and I wanted to be mad. Hell I was mad, I swear I was. But how could I yell at him when he was in such a condition? He cried a lot that night. He said he was scared of himself now and that he wanted to stop. He hugged me tight and cried on my shoulder. Under my arms, his slim body was trembling. I took him to our bed and held him until he was able to speak again. He agreed to go for group therapy. He will come with me to my office everyday until he finds his own job where he can spend his days. In the evenings we will always be together. Outside, outing, clubbing, dancing, eating. Together once again.
Things worked for a while. He found a job as a hairstylist near our flat. He loved the job and even though he never really studied to be hairstylist he was obviously talented. We were eating out in restaurants often. Friday nights we were out in a bar or club. We were happy again, almost as happy as we used to be back in high school. He felt more real under my arms in a club, his curvy hips moving into the rhythm of the music as we danced. I felt more real when I watched him on my lap, riding me slowly looking down into my eyes and smiling.
It was just two years ago when the nightmare started all over again. This time, it was drinking. I don’t wanna remember all the details and the progression it took. He lost his job again. Unlike the drugs, the alcohol gave us more space to talk sober because the aftereffects weren't so heavy. At those times he really searched for new job. He did. Once I was waiting for him. Knowing he would come home trashed again. It was very late, and if I hadn’t gone to check if he wasn’t coming yet I probably wouldn’t have found him in front of the door; leaning against it with his forehead. He probably would have slept there like that till the morning. The next day was my 29th birthday. In the morning he came to me and with this sweet seducing eyes of his, and he persuaded me that he would stop. He kissed me deeply; his hand down my pants.
“Key, I cannot … I...” Tears started to stream down my face.
He kissed every one of them. We ended up having rather violent sex against the kitchen counter. Indeed, he stopped. Things were looking good until one night when he once again, didn't come home. In the morning, I found a message on my answer phone. He was crying. And drunk or high... I couldn't tell. All the message said was, that he never got really better. That he just mastered how to hide things from me. He said he loves me more than anything else, and that even though he’d done weird stuff when he was high or drunk, even though he had blackouts, he never cheated on me cause he always was happy with me and never lacked anything. The message finished with the address of the sanatorium he signed himself into with help of my cousin, whom he went to see that morning.
“I am getting clean once and forever Jjong-a. And I hope -, I hope after that, you’ll still want me. Bye.”
*Present*
http://img703.imageshack.us/i/1855d.jpg/
I got out of the car and looked at the building. On a first sight it looked like nice countryside pension. But then I spotted the bars in the windows. I shivered... I would have no idea how he suffered if I didn't ask Jinki. Jinki showed me a video of junkies overcoming their addiction. Tied to bed, in pain, sweating and screaming. Now when I see the building that Key had to go through all of this in, and willingly... My chest cramped in this weird pain.
I got a call from him. Last month. We talked just like three or five minutes. He said he was clean. That he will be leaving the sanatorium in a month. I promised to pick him up. That was all we said. He didn't ask assurance, and I didn't give any. But the more I was nearing the door, the more I was nearing him, I knew that I don’t want anything else but to have him back home in my arms. But 8 months was 8 months. It might take time...
The door opened sooner than I could reach them. It was him. He was standing there. Black jeans showing he’s got most of his muscles and fat back. His t-shirt hanging on shoulders much larger than I ever saw on him. Sure he looked healthy. His cheeks round, his eyes sparkling just as at the day we talked on the rooftop of our school.
“Hey.” He smiled. I couldn’t tell if he was nervous. I smiled back nervously.
“Hey.”
All he had with him was just small hand bag with clothes he probably bought after he settled down here. We started to walk towards my car. I kept peeking on him. He giggled.
“Stop it.”
I laughed.
“You are...beefy.” I pointed out. His skin was tan and velvety as I remember from old times. He waved his hand that he is far from being muscular yet.
“I worked out, though. Life here gets pretty boring. Either you chew your nails off or you find how to enjoy your time here.”
I nodded.
“You know how I like my nails, so...” He added with a smile.
I opened the trunk so he could throw his handbag there. When we got into the car he asked.
“Is this yours?” He looked around.
“Yeah. From my company. For my outstanding results.” I smiled.
He looked at me and his eyes got a bit watery. Yeah, he realized just as I did, that if we stayed together as it used to be I would most probably have lost the job, and not gained a car and status.
It was a bit awkward. He rubbed his eyes before speaking again in unstable voice.
“No presents?! Your cousin was more generous when he was coming here to see me.” He shifted on his seat pretending to be mad, but he was fighting a smile.
“I would come here with presents too, if you allowed me to come.” I said and kicked the engine on.
It was quiet for a while.
“I wanted to get 100% healthy before showing my face in front of you again.” He said.
I nodded. Damn....I just wanna stop the car and hug the boy next to me so much now.
“Could you hand me my sunglasses please? They’re in the dashboard.” I asked him.
He first had to figure out how to get inside which took him just few seconds. I kept my eyes on the road, but I felt the smile crawling on my face already. He laughed for a second and then tried to get together a serious face.
“Very funny Kim Jonghyun.” He took out a nailbrush, which was the only thing inside.
“Well, I though you’d need it for your chewed-off nails.” I explained on my defense.
“One would almost expect a ring or … damn, a rose would do.” He murmured but as I looked quickly at him, he was inspecting at the present closely; showing clear interest in it.
“Never saw one like it, right? I bought it on my business trip to Prague. It’s crystal. Handmade.” I pointed out.
He wasn’t saying anything at all. Soon I could here quiet sobbing. I kept my eyes on the road and put my hand on his thigh; squeezing it for encouragement.
“Next time I am totally taking you with me.”