질투 (Jealousy) - Chapter 2
질투 (Jealousy)
pairing: Woogyu (Woo Hyeon/ Seong Gyu)
rating: NC-17
summary: Woo Hyeon unravels bit by bit into something hideous, something repulsive. He's never been more conscious of himself or, rather, what Seong Gyu may or may not be doing behind his back. He has always been the one to play the cards. Now that Seong Gyu is the dealer, there is no telling what is in store for Woo Hyeon.
A/N : endlessly grateful to chateaucartoon who did much more than beta-read for me and for this story <3
A/N 2 : I am sorry if the romanization of their names disturbs you, but I get so worked up when people don't know how to read their names right T.T The transcription I use is much closer to their real names than what is commonly in use. Forgive me for that, please, it's professional deformation XD
Prologue
Chapter 1
I didn't sleep well that night. I gave up on trying and got out of bed around 4AM. So many thoughts were running through my tired mind. My best friend is married, has a secure job, and is expecting a family. What have I achieved? It’s true that we can't achieve what others can, being with Gyu, but why aren’t we anywhere? Why didn't we think about the idea of sharing something like pet? Seong Gyu obviously was on that level with someone else already, and I had no idea. What do we actually know about each other? We are together for 2 fucking years already...
Seong Gyu came out at five, eyes puffy, with a bewildered look. I was already cooking breakfast for him, his hair sticking in different directions and cheek still wearing an imprint of the cushion pattern.
„What are you doing?” he croaked, scratching his nape as he came closer to me.
„Kimchee jjigae,“ I informed, giving him a tired smile.
He was silent for a second and then hugged me from behind, kissing my neck lightly before snuggling into it.
„OK, but why now? Come back to bed. I don't have to go for the next 2 hours,“ he pleaded.
I sighed.
„What is it? Did you have a bad dream or something?“ He held my shoulders and turned me around to face him.
'Not really, just a fucking bad night,' I thought to myself.
„Naaah, you know I don't have bad dreams.“
When I felt his hands on my sides, squeezing it urgently in an attempt to encourage me to tell him what's wrong...oh damn I just wanted him. I just wanted to claim him, make sure he was here with me, in OUR house, in OUR kitchen....I wanted him in OUR bed, ours and no one else's. I knew I was being unreasonable which stopped me from being honest. Being honest to myself, to my lover, to US.
I put my hands on his and brought them around my neck. I smiled seductively.
„To be completely honest,“
'yeah, I wish!'
„I couldn't fall asleep, when I realized, that I actually missed a chance to have wonderful sex with you.“ I let my hands crawl over his belly and hips until they rested against the small of his back. I hooked my fingers significantly under the waistband of his sweats.
He smiled back, the worry disappearing as if by pass of a wand. He used his right hand to turn off the stove behind my back and the other to hold my nape tightly as he kissed me.
„Let me make it up to you now.“
I broke the kiss and gave him a teasing smile:
„Two hours?“
He pinched my butt.
„As you wish. But spare me, I need to sit for the next 14 hours.“ He gave me a set of kicked puppy eyes.
' Yeah, you wish!'
I laughed and set off towards the stairs first. I took my t-shirt off and showed off a little. Sue me.
I made sure to give him a wonderful experience, tasting every inch of his body. I sucked off what he had to give until the very last drop. From there, I held him tight as I slowly thrust into him. I kissed him tenderly and deeply, the way he loves it.
This lulled my mind for a few days. I almost forgot about all my worries and thoughts I had that night.
***
A week passes before the doorbell rings, the dreaded ring.
I drag my body out of bed when I hear it. It's only half past six...what the hell? When I come downstairs, Seong Gyu's all dressed up for work. He closes the door, holding a HUGE cat in his arms. He snuggles his nose against it.
„Mimi, my love! How are you?! Oh my god, you grew so much!“ He squeezes it in his arms, while the animal looks very...unimpressed. Still, it purrs in his arms as if it belongs there. Well...I guess it DID belong there. It still DOES belong there.
„Who brought it?“ I ask, rubbing my eyes to try to show how very very unimpressed I am. The previous week’s worries and dark thoughts wash over me.
„Seong Jong did.“ Seong Gyu doesn't even grant me a look.
„Babe, would you please get the bag?“ He's pointing with his chin. I tilt my head to see a huge bag resting against the door.
„Sure,“ I shrug and do as told. I followed my lover into the kitchen. He lays the cat down on one of the chairs at the dining table.
„These are her stuff,“ he explains, taking her bowl out. I stand there hypnotized.
The cat's black. Pitch black. All over. Her eyes are green, freaking light green and freaking big. It stares at me just as unimpressed.
“Does its expression ever change?“ I ask, not looking away.
Seong Gyu laughs whole-heartedly. „ It's a cat. The only emotion she shows is that she is purring and snuggling when she wants attention or food. Don't expect too much.“
Suddenly, I feel his lips on mine, only for a split second. He mumbles something like „seeyouintheeveningiloveyoubabebye,” and he's out.
It's just me and Mimi now.
I look at the door that closed behind Seong Gyu and then back at the cat. I swear she's trying to hypnotize me... it's so fucking scary.
She jumps out of the chair to go somewhere. I finally have the guts to look around where Seong Gyu had left her bowl in the corner of the kitchen. It's filled half with milk and half with granules. There’s also her cushion right beside the food.
‘Good,’ I think, ‘I don't need to worry about anything.’ Relieved, I went back to bed.
I fell asleep for another two hours before I was awaken by...the cat climbing on me. I swear my heart skipped a beat when I saw her standing on my chest, looking down at me with those eyes. I couldn't move....
I wait...and to my surprise, it just curls into a ball at the dip of my stomach and purrs contently.
It loves me!
two weeks later
So Mimi is now part of our household. Did I say she loved me before? I kind of...jumped onto that conclusion on the first day. She loved me the first day, she loved me the second day, we became best friends, I swear! But then for … unknown reasons, she stopped paying attention to me. She refused me and even the food I gave her. Today, I tried to feed her the granules. I even got up with Seong Gyu to do so. She watched me.
„Good, she is watching you. I think she's really hungry now.“ I hear Seong Gyu who’s supervising from the door frame.
„Yeah.“ I smile. The way the cat went all cold towards me was seriously breaking my heart.
„OK, now I put the bowl down onto the floor.“ I say aloud, not sure whether to Gyu or Mimi. It feels like a fucking lab experiment.
The bowl...floor....
Mimi turns around and gracefully leaves the kitchen without even looking at the food.
I let out a sigh.
„What the fuck is wrong with her! What did I do wrong?!“ I groan.
Gyu comes and holds me against this chest.
„I am sorry. I thought that if you don't try for a week she might get over whatever she is going through now,“ he apologizes. I bury my face into his chest just before he pulls away.
„I need to go, Hyeon.“ He looks almost apologetic.
„Yeah, sure go. I will stay and freeze to death here.“ I give him a tired look.
„It's just a cat, babe. Let her be. She can just...live here, don't feel pressured to be friendly with her if it doesn't work.“
„Whatever.“ I sigh, pecking his cheek before heading upstairs to go back to bed. Seong Gyu receives a call. I manage to catch a bit of what he says before he left.
„Hey Jong-ie. Naaah, nope. It didn’t work as well as we wished...“
The door closes.
I stop in my tracks. J-...Jo- JONGIE?!!!
I run down and look out the window to see Gyu moving away from our house with his phone to his ear. And a big fucking happy smile on his face.
I can hear my heartbeat now. When Gyu disappears from my sight I...grit my teeth and look around. They've been on calls? Since when?
I am sure you know this feeling. You want to do something so much it hurts, but you try to stay calm. You want out of that temptation. I climb the stairs back to bed, but it's as if an invisible string were holding me down...down where Gyu's personal laptop was.
Halfway up the stairs, I sigh and turn around to look at the computer. I am so so so curious now. How does this Seong Jong look like? How old is he? How long were they dating? Why are they so friendly with one another? They BROKE the fuck UP already. Also, why are they still CALLING each other? Why haven’t I ever noticed this?
I shake my head and shut my eyes. I have to get a grip of my heartbeat. It’s getting dangerously strong and quick. I tear my eyes off the computer and finally make my way back into the bedroom. I lie on my right side and watch the cat purr contently in her sleep, occupying Gyu's pillow.
'What are you? Their baby? Where did you come from? When did they get so close that they felt the need to share something like you....' I keep thinking. Eventually, I just turn over to my other side. There, I see a picture of Gyu and me on our trip to Japan. We were down under Fuji Mountain. Gyu is holding his arm around my shoulders affectionately.
I sit up and fist the mattress a few times hoping that it relieves the stress, jealousy, curiosity, worry....all those emotions I am so unfamiliar with.
Nope. Not helping....
I stand up in rage, run down the stairs, and almost jump to sit where Gyu's laptop’s at.
I swear I am just going to take a look at ONE tiny photo to find out what Seong Jong looks like. I am not going to stalk all his folders and be a jealous bitch. I am not going to check his emails or anything. I’m just going to take one little look at an old picture, that is if Gyu has any left. I mean...they broke up years ago. Naaah, there might not be any.....
*two hours later*
I didn't stalk his email, his folders of pictures excluded of course. Now, I am just sitting here stunned. There are pictures of them together. LOADS. All nicely sorted into folders, properly fucking taken care of. I swear half of them are even photoshopped to get the best out of them.
I am looking at one in particular for…how long has it been? An hour?
The folder says 'Christmas in Prague 2006'.
They are sitting on wooden stairs at a big square full of people, cheeks and noses a shinning red, holding cups of hot whatever in their hands. Seong Gyu's sitting upright. The other is leaning against his shoulder. A content it's-so-fluffy-Christmas smile stretched over their faces. Gyu's hair was blond. I never saw him blond before. His hand was also around the younger boy's shoulder, holding him tight against his chest. But....do you know what was most shocking? Oh yeah, it was HIM. Lee Seong Jong. I don't even know if I'll be able to fully describe him to you. It's not easy to describe....well, perfection .
I am sure he was way older, but, hell, he looked like a highschooler, someone hitting his sweet 16. His eyes big and round, his skin so fair and snow-white. His blond hair hidden under a cute winter cap with a pompom, only his long side-swept fringe was waving its way over the left side of his face. His lips plump and red...god I just hope it was from wine or something, just tell me it's not how he looks... DAILY. He was wearing skinny jeans, his long lean legs stretched down towards the camera, which made them look twice as freaking long.
I consider myself 99,99% hetero, but I can see myself hitting on that guy if I met him first...
I scroll down the folder: Viena, Dresden, Warsaw, Budapest, Saint Petersburg. Very nice European trip they had there, really.
I find myself closing the folders quickly, stomping my way up the stairs, fuming. I search for my phone to call my best friend.
„Hey Yeol, are you free? I really need to see you now...“ I say.
I can hear some weird noise at the other end of the phone, and his voice sounds everything but sleepy.
„What the hell is happening there? Do you have me on loudspeaker?“
„Yes. And we are having morning sickness, sorry about that. Oh, babe, don't worry. I got your hair. I got it. Ouch! The fuck?! Stop hitting me. I am trying to help here, OK?!!“
I hear a weak „get out“ and then a peaceful silence.
„Yeol-ah?“ I call aloud with caution.
A few more seconds of silence and then he finally breaks it.
„Yeah. Sorry. I have you on my ear. What is it? Something happened?“
OK. His voice doesn't sound sleepy, but it surely sounds completely wrecked. Suddenly, I feel bad for wanting to push my worries onto him. He obviously has had enough happening on his own.
„Mnaaah, nothing major.“ Damn, can my voice sound any less frustrated…
„Come on, say it. You're willing to get up at 7AM in the morning and you want to get out of the house, that's so not like you. What happened?“ I heard him fumbling somewhere and then I heard keys.
„I see you are already on your way to work. It can wait.“ I sigh.
„The hell I am not. I got a day free because we are having our first diagnostic ultrasound today, and I am not going to miss it. But it's at 1 PM, and I seriously need to get out of this house now, or I will regret whatever crap leaves my mouth. It's not fair to her, and it's not fair to me either, not when she is being like this.“
„Oh. Sure. Then...wanna come here? Or have breakfast out?“
„I am picking you in 20m and we can decide where to go. See ya.”
Half an hour later we were sitting in Starbucks, having our morning cheesecakes and Americanos.
„You look terrible.“ I finally started, urging him along with what he was probably dying to talk about.
„Thanks. And you look pissed off,“ he shot back.
„I am.“
„Well I feel terrible too,“ he closed his eyes, smelling his coffee before tasting it. His shoulders visibly relaxed with the first sip. A little smile crossed his face, and he sighed in relief. I wished I had something that meant the same to me as coffee for Yeol.
„And here I thought you two would always be butterflies and rainbows,“ I commented.
Finally prepared to talk with his black drug in hand, he starts to explain:
„It's ok. They say it's only the first three months. That means less than two to go.“ I heard this cliffhanger in his tone, so I decided to stay silent.
„...but then she starts bloating, her legs will hurt, her back will hurt, skin on her belly will start to crack, she'll get hungry at all possible and impossible hours, needing to use the washroom at the most impossible places,“ he let out a long sigh.
„Wow. You surely did your homework. I dunno what to say. But...you are still happy about it, aren't you?“
He gave me this are-you-kidding look.
„Of course I am, I am delighted! I love her and we are gonna have a baby, it's perfect. And her breasts are growing at the speed of light. Supposedly, her libido is going to grow just as quick.” He gave me a wink before breaking down into the same tired form. “I just hate to see her like this. And I hate it when she pushes me away like how she did today. I think she doesn't want me to see her weak.“ His eyes dropped down to his mug.
„Maybe she just doesn't want the pregnancy to ruin the both of you? Maybe she wants you to see it perfect to the last bit?“ I suggested.
„Yeah. But it's not fair.“
And there was silence for a while.
„OK, come on. What happened that brought you out of bed at 7 in the morning? Unless, you didn't even go to bed last night or got laid in the morning. It's very suspicious.” He changed the subject skillfully.
I remembered the pictures.
„Seong Gyu is having phone calls with his ex.“
It took me a moment for Yeol to realize that that's it.
„OK, and?“ I raised my eyebrow.
„My boyfriend has a love child with his ex. The love child was brought to our house by the ex. This would mean that the ex knows where we are living. And THEY ARE ON CALLS!“
This time it was Yeol who raised his eyebrow, bewildered.
„Hyeon-ah, it's a damn cat! And they are on calls? So what? He is with you for years. He lives with you, works his ass off for both of you…I think you should give him a little more credit.“
I shook my head violently.
„You don't get it, you didn't see him!“
„Wait, and you did? When? I thought you said you were upstairs when he brought the cat.“
For a few seconds there, I felt ashamed. I really didn’t want to have to admit it.
„Hyeon-ah, you didn't…“ His chin dropped open.
„Yes, I did. I got into his computer and did a little research, sue me.“ I hid my shame behind my mug of coffee for a few seconds.
He started to giggle before breaking into loud laughter. People were staring. I glared at him as he struggled to calm down.
„Ok...I am sorry. Tell me then, how is he?“
„If you plan to be meaner than you usually are, I am not talking to you about this anymore.“
„Come on, I am all ears. Amuse me some more.“
„Well,“ I started, “he's very young. His face is snow white and sharp, eyes big and round. He is thin and lean, and his legs are ridiculously long.“ I paused momentarily. „And his lips are plump and reddish.“
Yeol shook his head, surrendering.
„He's a man, he can't be as pretty as you just described.“
„Well, he is. And I swear, I'd say he was a chick if I didn't know any better.“ I clenched my teeth and look around, trying to avoid my best friend's eyes that were almost scolding me. My eyes accidentally caught sight of my reflection in the mirror, face to face with a new worry.
„Oh my god...“ I closed my eyes, massaging the root of my nose.
„What now?! Did you forget to tell me that he's got nice boobs or something?“ Seong Yeol said, trying to lighten up the mood.
„No damn, Yeol, look at me and compare it to what I just told you.“
Seong Yeol took his sweet time to process this. Finally, it seemed he understood a little of where I am coming from.
„Well, you are...good looking, manly and handsome.“
„While he is?!“ I urged on.
„While he is...probably very tender, soft and...pretty.“ He crinkled his nose, showing how sorry he felt for me.
„Why would he be with me if he liked the type of guys like Seong Jong?“ I moaned in frustration.
Seong Yeol reached over the table for my wrist, forcing my hands down from my troubled face.
„Hyeon-ah, calm down. Where is that confidence you’re so famous for, man? I can hardly believe this is you.“ He looked really worried. I sigh. I have no idea. I know it's not like me. I hate the fact that I can be like this as well.
He let go of my hand, going back to his coffee.
„And you never know. Maybe they broke up because he realized he likes guys like you and not guys like him. Do you know why they broke up?“
„Yeol-ah, I told you I have no idea that he had an ex just a few weeks ago. Do you think I know the details?“
„Just ask him then. You seriously need to calm down man. This new side of you is scaring me,“ he informed me.
„Yeah.“ 'Ditto'
And that was how we ended our serious conversation of the morning. We met again during the evening, and this time, the one freaking out was Seong Yeol. He was expecting twins. Worries of their budget overtook his fear of this rollercoaster ride, stressful months combined with a grumpy wife. Of course, the increase in sexual needs and growing boobs would make up for this.
I think it was the first time in the past 10 years that I saw Seong Yeol crying. Don't ask me why he was crying. One second he was happy, probably crying from happiness, and the next, his shoulders were sinking under the weight of responsibility.
We decided to go out that night to get trashed in our favorite club, where we used to spend most of our after-school years. And then, I woke up at his house....
„Oh crap...“ I search around for my phone frantically:
18 missed calls, 5 messages.
I didn’t even have to look at who the caller was. I just simply pressed the first number on speed dial.
„Where the hell have you been? Where are you? Are you ok?“
„I am sorry babe, I went to Laser with Yeol, and we got wasted. I am at his place,“ I croaked in a morning hungover voice.
„Geez, you could have left me a message you know?“ He sounded tired. I felt guilty. I was sure he didn't get much sleep.
„Are you at work now?“ I ask. I didn't want to start apologizing through the phone. I will make it up to him tomorrow on his day off.
„Yes.“
„I'll wait for you at home tonight, OK? I will tell you the news that brought me and Yeol out yesterday. You won't believe it.“
He was silent for a moment before he agreed. His voice sounded milder and much more cooperative.
pairing: Woogyu (Woo Hyeon/ Seong Gyu)
rating: NC-17
summary: Woo Hyeon unravels bit by bit into something hideous, something repulsive. He's never been more conscious of himself or, rather, what Seong Gyu may or may not be doing behind his back. He has always been the one to play the cards. Now that Seong Gyu is the dealer, there is no telling what is in store for Woo Hyeon.
A/N : endlessly grateful to chateaucartoon who did much more than beta-read for me and for this story <3
A/N 2 : I am sorry if the romanization of their names disturbs you, but I get so worked up when people don't know how to read their names right T.T The transcription I use is much closer to their real names than what is commonly in use. Forgive me for that, please, it's professional deformation XD
Prologue
Chapter 1
I didn't sleep well that night. I gave up on trying and got out of bed around 4AM. So many thoughts were running through my tired mind. My best friend is married, has a secure job, and is expecting a family. What have I achieved? It’s true that we can't achieve what others can, being with Gyu, but why aren’t we anywhere? Why didn't we think about the idea of sharing something like pet? Seong Gyu obviously was on that level with someone else already, and I had no idea. What do we actually know about each other? We are together for 2 fucking years already...
Seong Gyu came out at five, eyes puffy, with a bewildered look. I was already cooking breakfast for him, his hair sticking in different directions and cheek still wearing an imprint of the cushion pattern.
„What are you doing?” he croaked, scratching his nape as he came closer to me.
„Kimchee jjigae,“ I informed, giving him a tired smile.
He was silent for a second and then hugged me from behind, kissing my neck lightly before snuggling into it.
„OK, but why now? Come back to bed. I don't have to go for the next 2 hours,“ he pleaded.
I sighed.
„What is it? Did you have a bad dream or something?“ He held my shoulders and turned me around to face him.
'Not really, just a fucking bad night,' I thought to myself.
„Naaah, you know I don't have bad dreams.“
When I felt his hands on my sides, squeezing it urgently in an attempt to encourage me to tell him what's wrong...oh damn I just wanted him. I just wanted to claim him, make sure he was here with me, in OUR house, in OUR kitchen....I wanted him in OUR bed, ours and no one else's. I knew I was being unreasonable which stopped me from being honest. Being honest to myself, to my lover, to US.
I put my hands on his and brought them around my neck. I smiled seductively.
„To be completely honest,“
'yeah, I wish!'
„I couldn't fall asleep, when I realized, that I actually missed a chance to have wonderful sex with you.“ I let my hands crawl over his belly and hips until they rested against the small of his back. I hooked my fingers significantly under the waistband of his sweats.
He smiled back, the worry disappearing as if by pass of a wand. He used his right hand to turn off the stove behind my back and the other to hold my nape tightly as he kissed me.
„Let me make it up to you now.“
I broke the kiss and gave him a teasing smile:
„Two hours?“
He pinched my butt.
„As you wish. But spare me, I need to sit for the next 14 hours.“ He gave me a set of kicked puppy eyes.
' Yeah, you wish!'
I laughed and set off towards the stairs first. I took my t-shirt off and showed off a little. Sue me.
I made sure to give him a wonderful experience, tasting every inch of his body. I sucked off what he had to give until the very last drop. From there, I held him tight as I slowly thrust into him. I kissed him tenderly and deeply, the way he loves it.
This lulled my mind for a few days. I almost forgot about all my worries and thoughts I had that night.
***
A week passes before the doorbell rings, the dreaded ring.
I drag my body out of bed when I hear it. It's only half past six...what the hell? When I come downstairs, Seong Gyu's all dressed up for work. He closes the door, holding a HUGE cat in his arms. He snuggles his nose against it.
„Mimi, my love! How are you?! Oh my god, you grew so much!“ He squeezes it in his arms, while the animal looks very...unimpressed. Still, it purrs in his arms as if it belongs there. Well...I guess it DID belong there. It still DOES belong there.
„Who brought it?“ I ask, rubbing my eyes to try to show how very very unimpressed I am. The previous week’s worries and dark thoughts wash over me.
„Seong Jong did.“ Seong Gyu doesn't even grant me a look.
„Babe, would you please get the bag?“ He's pointing with his chin. I tilt my head to see a huge bag resting against the door.
„Sure,“ I shrug and do as told. I followed my lover into the kitchen. He lays the cat down on one of the chairs at the dining table.
„These are her stuff,“ he explains, taking her bowl out. I stand there hypnotized.
The cat's black. Pitch black. All over. Her eyes are green, freaking light green and freaking big. It stares at me just as unimpressed.
“Does its expression ever change?“ I ask, not looking away.
Seong Gyu laughs whole-heartedly. „ It's a cat. The only emotion she shows is that she is purring and snuggling when she wants attention or food. Don't expect too much.“
Suddenly, I feel his lips on mine, only for a split second. He mumbles something like „seeyouintheeveningiloveyoubabebye,” and he's out.
It's just me and Mimi now.
I look at the door that closed behind Seong Gyu and then back at the cat. I swear she's trying to hypnotize me... it's so fucking scary.
She jumps out of the chair to go somewhere. I finally have the guts to look around where Seong Gyu had left her bowl in the corner of the kitchen. It's filled half with milk and half with granules. There’s also her cushion right beside the food.
‘Good,’ I think, ‘I don't need to worry about anything.’ Relieved, I went back to bed.
I fell asleep for another two hours before I was awaken by...the cat climbing on me. I swear my heart skipped a beat when I saw her standing on my chest, looking down at me with those eyes. I couldn't move....
I wait...and to my surprise, it just curls into a ball at the dip of my stomach and purrs contently.
It loves me!
two weeks later
So Mimi is now part of our household. Did I say she loved me before? I kind of...jumped onto that conclusion on the first day. She loved me the first day, she loved me the second day, we became best friends, I swear! But then for … unknown reasons, she stopped paying attention to me. She refused me and even the food I gave her. Today, I tried to feed her the granules. I even got up with Seong Gyu to do so. She watched me.
„Good, she is watching you. I think she's really hungry now.“ I hear Seong Gyu who’s supervising from the door frame.
„Yeah.“ I smile. The way the cat went all cold towards me was seriously breaking my heart.
„OK, now I put the bowl down onto the floor.“ I say aloud, not sure whether to Gyu or Mimi. It feels like a fucking lab experiment.
The bowl...floor....
Mimi turns around and gracefully leaves the kitchen without even looking at the food.
I let out a sigh.
„What the fuck is wrong with her! What did I do wrong?!“ I groan.
Gyu comes and holds me against this chest.
„I am sorry. I thought that if you don't try for a week she might get over whatever she is going through now,“ he apologizes. I bury my face into his chest just before he pulls away.
„I need to go, Hyeon.“ He looks almost apologetic.
„Yeah, sure go. I will stay and freeze to death here.“ I give him a tired look.
„It's just a cat, babe. Let her be. She can just...live here, don't feel pressured to be friendly with her if it doesn't work.“
„Whatever.“ I sigh, pecking his cheek before heading upstairs to go back to bed. Seong Gyu receives a call. I manage to catch a bit of what he says before he left.
„Hey Jong-ie. Naaah, nope. It didn’t work as well as we wished...“
The door closes.
I stop in my tracks. J-...Jo- JONGIE?!!!
I run down and look out the window to see Gyu moving away from our house with his phone to his ear. And a big fucking happy smile on his face.
I can hear my heartbeat now. When Gyu disappears from my sight I...grit my teeth and look around. They've been on calls? Since when?
I am sure you know this feeling. You want to do something so much it hurts, but you try to stay calm. You want out of that temptation. I climb the stairs back to bed, but it's as if an invisible string were holding me down...down where Gyu's personal laptop was.
Halfway up the stairs, I sigh and turn around to look at the computer. I am so so so curious now. How does this Seong Jong look like? How old is he? How long were they dating? Why are they so friendly with one another? They BROKE the fuck UP already. Also, why are they still CALLING each other? Why haven’t I ever noticed this?
I shake my head and shut my eyes. I have to get a grip of my heartbeat. It’s getting dangerously strong and quick. I tear my eyes off the computer and finally make my way back into the bedroom. I lie on my right side and watch the cat purr contently in her sleep, occupying Gyu's pillow.
'What are you? Their baby? Where did you come from? When did they get so close that they felt the need to share something like you....' I keep thinking. Eventually, I just turn over to my other side. There, I see a picture of Gyu and me on our trip to Japan. We were down under Fuji Mountain. Gyu is holding his arm around my shoulders affectionately.
I sit up and fist the mattress a few times hoping that it relieves the stress, jealousy, curiosity, worry....all those emotions I am so unfamiliar with.
Nope. Not helping....
I stand up in rage, run down the stairs, and almost jump to sit where Gyu's laptop’s at.
I swear I am just going to take a look at ONE tiny photo to find out what Seong Jong looks like. I am not going to stalk all his folders and be a jealous bitch. I am not going to check his emails or anything. I’m just going to take one little look at an old picture, that is if Gyu has any left. I mean...they broke up years ago. Naaah, there might not be any.....
*two hours later*
I didn't stalk his email, his folders of pictures excluded of course. Now, I am just sitting here stunned. There are pictures of them together. LOADS. All nicely sorted into folders, properly fucking taken care of. I swear half of them are even photoshopped to get the best out of them.
I am looking at one in particular for…how long has it been? An hour?
The folder says 'Christmas in Prague 2006'.
They are sitting on wooden stairs at a big square full of people, cheeks and noses a shinning red, holding cups of hot whatever in their hands. Seong Gyu's sitting upright. The other is leaning against his shoulder. A content it's-so-fluffy-Christmas smile stretched over their faces. Gyu's hair was blond. I never saw him blond before. His hand was also around the younger boy's shoulder, holding him tight against his chest. But....do you know what was most shocking? Oh yeah, it was HIM. Lee Seong Jong. I don't even know if I'll be able to fully describe him to you. It's not easy to describe....well, perfection .
I am sure he was way older, but, hell, he looked like a highschooler, someone hitting his sweet 16. His eyes big and round, his skin so fair and snow-white. His blond hair hidden under a cute winter cap with a pompom, only his long side-swept fringe was waving its way over the left side of his face. His lips plump and red...god I just hope it was from wine or something, just tell me it's not how he looks... DAILY. He was wearing skinny jeans, his long lean legs stretched down towards the camera, which made them look twice as freaking long.
I consider myself 99,99% hetero, but I can see myself hitting on that guy if I met him first...
I scroll down the folder: Viena, Dresden, Warsaw, Budapest, Saint Petersburg. Very nice European trip they had there, really.
I find myself closing the folders quickly, stomping my way up the stairs, fuming. I search for my phone to call my best friend.
„Hey Yeol, are you free? I really need to see you now...“ I say.
I can hear some weird noise at the other end of the phone, and his voice sounds everything but sleepy.
„What the hell is happening there? Do you have me on loudspeaker?“
„Yes. And we are having morning sickness, sorry about that. Oh, babe, don't worry. I got your hair. I got it. Ouch! The fuck?! Stop hitting me. I am trying to help here, OK?!!“
I hear a weak „get out“ and then a peaceful silence.
„Yeol-ah?“ I call aloud with caution.
A few more seconds of silence and then he finally breaks it.
„Yeah. Sorry. I have you on my ear. What is it? Something happened?“
OK. His voice doesn't sound sleepy, but it surely sounds completely wrecked. Suddenly, I feel bad for wanting to push my worries onto him. He obviously has had enough happening on his own.
„Mnaaah, nothing major.“ Damn, can my voice sound any less frustrated…
„Come on, say it. You're willing to get up at 7AM in the morning and you want to get out of the house, that's so not like you. What happened?“ I heard him fumbling somewhere and then I heard keys.
„I see you are already on your way to work. It can wait.“ I sigh.
„The hell I am not. I got a day free because we are having our first diagnostic ultrasound today, and I am not going to miss it. But it's at 1 PM, and I seriously need to get out of this house now, or I will regret whatever crap leaves my mouth. It's not fair to her, and it's not fair to me either, not when she is being like this.“
„Oh. Sure. Then...wanna come here? Or have breakfast out?“
„I am picking you in 20m and we can decide where to go. See ya.”
Half an hour later we were sitting in Starbucks, having our morning cheesecakes and Americanos.
„You look terrible.“ I finally started, urging him along with what he was probably dying to talk about.
„Thanks. And you look pissed off,“ he shot back.
„I am.“
„Well I feel terrible too,“ he closed his eyes, smelling his coffee before tasting it. His shoulders visibly relaxed with the first sip. A little smile crossed his face, and he sighed in relief. I wished I had something that meant the same to me as coffee for Yeol.
„And here I thought you two would always be butterflies and rainbows,“ I commented.
Finally prepared to talk with his black drug in hand, he starts to explain:
„It's ok. They say it's only the first three months. That means less than two to go.“ I heard this cliffhanger in his tone, so I decided to stay silent.
„...but then she starts bloating, her legs will hurt, her back will hurt, skin on her belly will start to crack, she'll get hungry at all possible and impossible hours, needing to use the washroom at the most impossible places,“ he let out a long sigh.
„Wow. You surely did your homework. I dunno what to say. But...you are still happy about it, aren't you?“
He gave me this are-you-kidding look.
„Of course I am, I am delighted! I love her and we are gonna have a baby, it's perfect. And her breasts are growing at the speed of light. Supposedly, her libido is going to grow just as quick.” He gave me a wink before breaking down into the same tired form. “I just hate to see her like this. And I hate it when she pushes me away like how she did today. I think she doesn't want me to see her weak.“ His eyes dropped down to his mug.
„Maybe she just doesn't want the pregnancy to ruin the both of you? Maybe she wants you to see it perfect to the last bit?“ I suggested.
„Yeah. But it's not fair.“
And there was silence for a while.
„OK, come on. What happened that brought you out of bed at 7 in the morning? Unless, you didn't even go to bed last night or got laid in the morning. It's very suspicious.” He changed the subject skillfully.
I remembered the pictures.
„Seong Gyu is having phone calls with his ex.“
It took me a moment for Yeol to realize that that's it.
„OK, and?“ I raised my eyebrow.
„My boyfriend has a love child with his ex. The love child was brought to our house by the ex. This would mean that the ex knows where we are living. And THEY ARE ON CALLS!“
This time it was Yeol who raised his eyebrow, bewildered.
„Hyeon-ah, it's a damn cat! And they are on calls? So what? He is with you for years. He lives with you, works his ass off for both of you…I think you should give him a little more credit.“
I shook my head violently.
„You don't get it, you didn't see him!“
„Wait, and you did? When? I thought you said you were upstairs when he brought the cat.“
For a few seconds there, I felt ashamed. I really didn’t want to have to admit it.
„Hyeon-ah, you didn't…“ His chin dropped open.
„Yes, I did. I got into his computer and did a little research, sue me.“ I hid my shame behind my mug of coffee for a few seconds.
He started to giggle before breaking into loud laughter. People were staring. I glared at him as he struggled to calm down.
„Ok...I am sorry. Tell me then, how is he?“
„If you plan to be meaner than you usually are, I am not talking to you about this anymore.“
„Come on, I am all ears. Amuse me some more.“
„Well,“ I started, “he's very young. His face is snow white and sharp, eyes big and round. He is thin and lean, and his legs are ridiculously long.“ I paused momentarily. „And his lips are plump and reddish.“
Yeol shook his head, surrendering.
„He's a man, he can't be as pretty as you just described.“
„Well, he is. And I swear, I'd say he was a chick if I didn't know any better.“ I clenched my teeth and look around, trying to avoid my best friend's eyes that were almost scolding me. My eyes accidentally caught sight of my reflection in the mirror, face to face with a new worry.
„Oh my god...“ I closed my eyes, massaging the root of my nose.
„What now?! Did you forget to tell me that he's got nice boobs or something?“ Seong Yeol said, trying to lighten up the mood.
„No damn, Yeol, look at me and compare it to what I just told you.“
Seong Yeol took his sweet time to process this. Finally, it seemed he understood a little of where I am coming from.
„Well, you are...good looking, manly and handsome.“
„While he is?!“ I urged on.
„While he is...probably very tender, soft and...pretty.“ He crinkled his nose, showing how sorry he felt for me.
„Why would he be with me if he liked the type of guys like Seong Jong?“ I moaned in frustration.
Seong Yeol reached over the table for my wrist, forcing my hands down from my troubled face.
„Hyeon-ah, calm down. Where is that confidence you’re so famous for, man? I can hardly believe this is you.“ He looked really worried. I sigh. I have no idea. I know it's not like me. I hate the fact that I can be like this as well.
He let go of my hand, going back to his coffee.
„And you never know. Maybe they broke up because he realized he likes guys like you and not guys like him. Do you know why they broke up?“
„Yeol-ah, I told you I have no idea that he had an ex just a few weeks ago. Do you think I know the details?“
„Just ask him then. You seriously need to calm down man. This new side of you is scaring me,“ he informed me.
„Yeah.“ 'Ditto'
And that was how we ended our serious conversation of the morning. We met again during the evening, and this time, the one freaking out was Seong Yeol. He was expecting twins. Worries of their budget overtook his fear of this rollercoaster ride, stressful months combined with a grumpy wife. Of course, the increase in sexual needs and growing boobs would make up for this.
I think it was the first time in the past 10 years that I saw Seong Yeol crying. Don't ask me why he was crying. One second he was happy, probably crying from happiness, and the next, his shoulders were sinking under the weight of responsibility.
We decided to go out that night to get trashed in our favorite club, where we used to spend most of our after-school years. And then, I woke up at his house....
„Oh crap...“ I search around for my phone frantically:
18 missed calls, 5 messages.
I didn’t even have to look at who the caller was. I just simply pressed the first number on speed dial.
„Where the hell have you been? Where are you? Are you ok?“
„I am sorry babe, I went to Laser with Yeol, and we got wasted. I am at his place,“ I croaked in a morning hungover voice.
„Geez, you could have left me a message you know?“ He sounded tired. I felt guilty. I was sure he didn't get much sleep.
„Are you at work now?“ I ask. I didn't want to start apologizing through the phone. I will make it up to him tomorrow on his day off.
„Yes.“
„I'll wait for you at home tonight, OK? I will tell you the news that brought me and Yeol out yesterday. You won't believe it.“
He was silent for a moment before he agreed. His voice sounded milder and much more cooperative.