pain tiredness and all the things left undone
my forge is done...my hammer is finished...my entire body hurts.... I so need a full body musage....I have quillwork still left to finish...a painting that is burning a hole inside of me through which the deamons torture me....I must paint it.....I need someone to take a photo for reference material for one of my works......so much frustration so much pain so much lonelyness.....what am I to do........I am so tired...so confused...I need something I just cant get....I am excited to go and see pygar again this saturday....Should be alot of fun... I hope many people are there..my father told me that I might be getting a couple thousand dollers from my agapitos death..I don't care I want my grandfather back I want all the death to go back let me go back to what I was... I despizemyself for things I can not change...sick of all of this stuff...tired of my own soul and existence that is unchangable..I need something...something I am not shure I can get...Something that seems impossible to acheve here now or later..I was going to sleep early... obviously didn't happen...my demons keep me up...for every up there is an equill and oposite down...no matter how I feel right now I feel like it hasn't equelled out yet...I look for the happyness the contentment...I think I am making myself suffer in so many ways...like I deserve it or something....I don't know why this is why I am now what I am..how does this all help me in the end....is this just the self distructive nature finaly being able to and me not able to stop it to say no...it is runny away with me in the way that torments me the most...I don't know what to do...trying to hold it together but every time I feel like I know how to change things I do all I can and yet there is always something out of my hands...something that I can't do anything about..It torments me all the more for that reason...I don't want to be what I am I want to be something different something that is myself but not this self...no longer tired...depressed yes arn't we all from time to time...losing myself in my work again...when things torment me I drift into the things that take me away from humans from me mostly I just need to be lost in something right now...my thaughts are nothing but a jumble of colors and images now few words left to me now.. adu my friend the word...may I not degrade to much.0