I'm Not Really Sure Anymore.
Hello Everyone!!
Not a whole lot has changed since my last update, but I have done a lot of thinking. Quite a bit about Alex and where I see myself going with him... and I got some great advice from my mother about it. She told me to just enjoy life, which is what I tell her, and to just see where him and I go. And I like to think that maybe someday, like how ever girl (I hope) likes to dream, that we'll be together for a very long time - but only time will tell.
Truly, he is one of the sweetest men I have ever come to know. He tries to do his best and put his heart into everything, and everyday I like to think and feel that I'm falling more and more in love with him.
... So that is not my problem.
I guess lately, why I've been so moody, is that Japan has lost its sparkle. I get up each morning, and just dread the thought of three straight hours of language classes. They help, yes, but only a little. Because it is not about what I want to learn. I do not like learning about Japan in a dark and dank classroom out in the boonies - and especially from a foreigner. I love exploring Japan with friends or my language partners, learning about their lives, how they think, feel, and experience the world....
I've been thinking of cutting my stay at Mukogawa short. Maybe possibly, after August, travel around for abit.... but I"m not sure. I'm truly not sure. I am planning to go visit my friend in Singapore, but it's not the same. I don't know how much longer I can take these repetative classes.
Consider me a bird, I need to be free - exploring. Where I can sing and be free, and learn the world from my eyes and experience - not through others.
Maybe if I join a club or do something to tie me here beyond language and culture class.... maybe then it might be worthwhile to stay.
Because as it sits right now, I'm not making my mark on the world like I want to. I'm making very tiny ripples, yes, but nothing more.
-sighs- I don't even know what I want to take in school, I'm that confused. At least I've resigned myself to just figure out my job after my schooling is done - but what do I do in the meantime? I cannot waste any more money on my soulsearching, but it seems the harder I think... the less answers I find and recieve only more questions.
One thing I am definently sure about, is that I'm not having culture shock. Everytime I tell someone about this, I usually get: "Oh it's culture shock, it'll pass!" No, I don't think it will....
I had this same feeling back in Canada - the need to be somewhere else. I love travelling, and I constantly want to do so but I know that it is neather feasible nor plausible.
-sighs-
If only life was simple.
Kai... wherever you are... can you give me a sign? Just like you always did before? Hell Destiny? A kick in the right direction would be nice too... either or... I'm truly not picky. But a sign might be a tad less painful.
Maybe I'm being blind? I've probably had about a dozen signs, but not enough to make this completely slow woman to pick up on. But I will keep my eye out... maybe, just maybe... I might get lucky. That or Kai will get off his ass and help this pool ol' gal out.
That's all for me.
IPleadObsession.