movie review: The Three Musketeers (2011)
HANNIBAL FANDOM, LET'S TALK ABOUT THE 2011 VERSION OF THE THREE MUSKETEERS. BECAUSE WE NEED TO.
The plot's sort of the same as it ever is: the Three Musketeers disbanded years ago and get back together after D'Artagnan challenges each one (Athos, Porthos, and Aramis) to three separate duels in the same day. Blah blah Cardinal Richelieu wants to control France, blah blah he tries to frame the Queen for having an affair, blah blah Captain Rochefort is awesome, sword fights, yadda yadda.
HOWEVER. The producers of the 2011 version went, "You know what this movie needs? Steampunk dirigible fights. Also, everyone should be dressed crazy as hell and have terrible hair." AND IT TOTALLY WORKS. Some points, in brief:
* Full honesty: I got this after I saw Django Unchained, as I was having a Christophe Waltz renaissance and he plays Richelieu. HE IS GREAT. (I would argue that he, Mikkelsen, and Bloom are legitimately having fun with this, because they are grown-ass men and know that this is kind of extremely dumb. Same goes for Jovovitch.) He gives a guy scheming against the ACTUAL KING OF FRANCE gravitas, when...you are not supposed to root for that guy, so much. Also, his little wig and teeny mustache are fantastic. (It doesn't hurt that the actual King of France is a lovesick dink with terrible facial hair.)
* Logan Lerman either has an awful wig or a weave that would make Tyra go, "Honey, we are taking that out and getting you new hair before next judging panel." It is like a dead weasel on his head. Four seasons of TVD, and none of them have EVER had a wig that bad. And I am including "Elijah back when he was alive" hair in that, okay?
* Milla Jovovitch is basically Alice-from-Resident-Evil's ancestor in this, a double agent for both France *and* England, who runs around with no motivation beyond "evil hot lady". She loves Athos, but betrays him to Buckingham! She betrays Buckingham to the Cardinal, and vice versa! She runs around in basically a tunic, defeating the 1700s equivalent of a room full of lasers with MAKEUP. I think I'm supposed to think she's a wicked lady, but no, I was all "You are awesome, Milla Jovovitch! And you know what kind of movie you are in, so you are having ALL THE FUN."
* Matthew McFayden plays the entire movie like Athos is the narrator in a 1940s pulp detective novel. He also has a terrible wig. (I should say "who doesn't have a terrible wig", but his and Lerman's are the worst of a bad crop.)
* Orlando Bloom engages in dick-measuring contests with the King of France via the color of his outfits. THIS REALLY HAPPENS. His pompadour has a pompadour. I legitimately think he was sad *his* mustache wasn't long enough to twirl.
* The climactic fight in this movie involves steampunk dirigible fights with a girl tied to the prow of a ship. Did I mention the actual thing on the prow of said ship is A CARVING OF FUCKING DEATH, COMPLETE WITH A GIANT SCYTHE? It's like Rochefort had a stoner van, except this was France in the 1700s so he couldn't have a lady in a chainmail bikini riding a pterodactyl. So, you know, giant death prow.
* Speaking of, LET'S TALK FOR A LONG TIME ABOUT MOTHERFUCKING ROCHEFORT. YOU GUYS, HE IS AMAZING. I think, when movies are this rock-stupid, you have to look at it and go, "Can I have fun doing this?" And if you can, you should do it. Seriously, Rochefort spends 2/3 of this movie on his horse, to the point where I was literally saying, out loud, "Oh, God help you if he gets off his horse." And what happens when he *does* get off his horse? He kidnaps D'Artagnan's designated love interest, ties her to the prow of a dirigible, and basically says he'll kill her if the Musketeers don't let him blow them the fuck up. Should've let him stay on the horse, y'all.
Also, not for nothing, but--part of it is why I actually saw the movie, and part of it is that I don't find Logan Lerman compelling in the movie - or in a lot of things, though he's really good in The Perks of Being a Wallflower - but I was legitimately sad and...kind of pissed? that Rochefort didn't win. This is the kind of shit that happens when he's played by Mads Mikkelsen, though. I spend my weeks saying shit OUT LOUD like, "Hey! You know what, this isn't Hannibal's fault WHAT AM I SAYING THAT GUY EATS PEOPLE." Every week with me. ANYWAY.
(Also, his outfits. HOLY SHIT. Giant Three Musketeers hat in wine red, with a matching red leather everything: shirt, pants, boots, you name it. DUDE HAS A CAPE. HIS EYEPATCH IS BEDAZZLED. HE HAS A PONYTAIL.)
And not for nothing, but--okay, none of the sword fights in this movie are bad, but I know basically nothing about swordfighting as stagecraft; I watched all seven seasons of Highlander, and that's it. I don't think anyone really does a bad job. I will say that the only reason Rochefort ended up losing to D'Artagnan was "the script demanded it", because for real, HAHAHAHAHAHAHANO. Which is what happens when you put Percy Jackson and his awful weave against a former ballet dancer: a not-terribly even-matched fight. (You really do need to see it, though, for the actual fight; Mikkelsen looks amazing. Almost as great is the BTS bits where he's rehearsing the fight, in jeans and an Adidas jacket.)
* I just--I really do love that in a movie based on a classic French work of literature, it's basically all British people, a woman born in the Ukraine who has an "I'm from Foreignia" accent, Logan Goddamn Lerman, an Austrian, and a Dane. Nobody even tries. It's great. "We're French!" NO YOU'RE NOT. NONE OF YOU ARE FRENCH.
Basically, this movie is awful in a really delightful way. Terrible wigs! Swordfights! Orlando Bloom chewing all the scenery! EVERYTHING EVERYONE WEARS. You could do a lot worse than watching this, y'all. (Like, say, Blood & Chocolate OH GOD HUGH DANCY WHY.)
The plot's sort of the same as it ever is: the Three Musketeers disbanded years ago and get back together after D'Artagnan challenges each one (Athos, Porthos, and Aramis) to three separate duels in the same day. Blah blah Cardinal Richelieu wants to control France, blah blah he tries to frame the Queen for having an affair, blah blah Captain Rochefort is awesome, sword fights, yadda yadda.
HOWEVER. The producers of the 2011 version went, "You know what this movie needs? Steampunk dirigible fights. Also, everyone should be dressed crazy as hell and have terrible hair." AND IT TOTALLY WORKS. Some points, in brief:
* Full honesty: I got this after I saw Django Unchained, as I was having a Christophe Waltz renaissance and he plays Richelieu. HE IS GREAT. (I would argue that he, Mikkelsen, and Bloom are legitimately having fun with this, because they are grown-ass men and know that this is kind of extremely dumb. Same goes for Jovovitch.) He gives a guy scheming against the ACTUAL KING OF FRANCE gravitas, when...you are not supposed to root for that guy, so much. Also, his little wig and teeny mustache are fantastic. (It doesn't hurt that the actual King of France is a lovesick dink with terrible facial hair.)
* Logan Lerman either has an awful wig or a weave that would make Tyra go, "Honey, we are taking that out and getting you new hair before next judging panel." It is like a dead weasel on his head. Four seasons of TVD, and none of them have EVER had a wig that bad. And I am including "Elijah back when he was alive" hair in that, okay?
* Milla Jovovitch is basically Alice-from-Resident-Evil's ancestor in this, a double agent for both France *and* England, who runs around with no motivation beyond "evil hot lady". She loves Athos, but betrays him to Buckingham! She betrays Buckingham to the Cardinal, and vice versa! She runs around in basically a tunic, defeating the 1700s equivalent of a room full of lasers with MAKEUP. I think I'm supposed to think she's a wicked lady, but no, I was all "You are awesome, Milla Jovovitch! And you know what kind of movie you are in, so you are having ALL THE FUN."
* Matthew McFayden plays the entire movie like Athos is the narrator in a 1940s pulp detective novel. He also has a terrible wig. (I should say "who doesn't have a terrible wig", but his and Lerman's are the worst of a bad crop.)
* Orlando Bloom engages in dick-measuring contests with the King of France via the color of his outfits. THIS REALLY HAPPENS. His pompadour has a pompadour. I legitimately think he was sad *his* mustache wasn't long enough to twirl.
* The climactic fight in this movie involves steampunk dirigible fights with a girl tied to the prow of a ship. Did I mention the actual thing on the prow of said ship is A CARVING OF FUCKING DEATH, COMPLETE WITH A GIANT SCYTHE? It's like Rochefort had a stoner van, except this was France in the 1700s so he couldn't have a lady in a chainmail bikini riding a pterodactyl. So, you know, giant death prow.
* Speaking of, LET'S TALK FOR A LONG TIME ABOUT MOTHERFUCKING ROCHEFORT. YOU GUYS, HE IS AMAZING. I think, when movies are this rock-stupid, you have to look at it and go, "Can I have fun doing this?" And if you can, you should do it. Seriously, Rochefort spends 2/3 of this movie on his horse, to the point where I was literally saying, out loud, "Oh, God help you if he gets off his horse." And what happens when he *does* get off his horse? He kidnaps D'Artagnan's designated love interest, ties her to the prow of a dirigible, and basically says he'll kill her if the Musketeers don't let him blow them the fuck up. Should've let him stay on the horse, y'all.
Also, not for nothing, but--part of it is why I actually saw the movie, and part of it is that I don't find Logan Lerman compelling in the movie - or in a lot of things, though he's really good in The Perks of Being a Wallflower - but I was legitimately sad and...kind of pissed? that Rochefort didn't win. This is the kind of shit that happens when he's played by Mads Mikkelsen, though. I spend my weeks saying shit OUT LOUD like, "Hey! You know what, this isn't Hannibal's fault WHAT AM I SAYING THAT GUY EATS PEOPLE." Every week with me. ANYWAY.
(Also, his outfits. HOLY SHIT. Giant Three Musketeers hat in wine red, with a matching red leather everything: shirt, pants, boots, you name it. DUDE HAS A CAPE. HIS EYEPATCH IS BEDAZZLED. HE HAS A PONYTAIL.)
And not for nothing, but--okay, none of the sword fights in this movie are bad, but I know basically nothing about swordfighting as stagecraft; I watched all seven seasons of Highlander, and that's it. I don't think anyone really does a bad job. I will say that the only reason Rochefort ended up losing to D'Artagnan was "the script demanded it", because for real, HAHAHAHAHAHAHANO. Which is what happens when you put Percy Jackson and his awful weave against a former ballet dancer: a not-terribly even-matched fight. (You really do need to see it, though, for the actual fight; Mikkelsen looks amazing. Almost as great is the BTS bits where he's rehearsing the fight, in jeans and an Adidas jacket.)
* I just--I really do love that in a movie based on a classic French work of literature, it's basically all British people, a woman born in the Ukraine who has an "I'm from Foreignia" accent, Logan Goddamn Lerman, an Austrian, and a Dane. Nobody even tries. It's great. "We're French!" NO YOU'RE NOT. NONE OF YOU ARE FRENCH.
Basically, this movie is awful in a really delightful way. Terrible wigs! Swordfights! Orlando Bloom chewing all the scenery! EVERYTHING EVERYONE WEARS. You could do a lot worse than watching this, y'all. (Like, say, Blood & Chocolate OH GOD HUGH DANCY WHY.)