"Where's the part in your plan where you screw us over and somebody dies?"
Previously on TVD: I do not even *care*, mostly because the A-plot seems to be Emotionless Vampire Elena, who I hate, and Rebekah, who I really do not like, road-tripping to find the cure, about which I give literally not two shits except that I still say Damon's going to get it and that's how we're starting S5. Also, no one seems to notice that Bonnie and Silas just did the third massacre in the woods with 12 dead witches, because unless it involves Elena Gilbert, horrible things on this show happen in a fact vacuum, this season. So it might not be a long one, this week.
On the other hand, it involves Fantastic Bitch Katherine Pierce, who is smarter than all of Team Salvatore put together, and The Actual Best Original Ever, Elijah. So let's do this! (However short it's gonna turn out to be.)
* I will say: Katherine compelling an entire fucking town is genius. And would perhaps have saved you a lot of time and effort in 1864 if you'd just done that shit in Fell's Church, KATERINA. (Also, while I really do like Elena's new hair, Katherine's is still fantastic.)
* It's--not sad? I'm not sad, exactly, but there's something weirdly emotional about watching Klaus freak the fuck out and try to get the white oak out of his back. Here's a guy who's literally almost impossible to kill, so naturally you poison him with that one thing and it's all sweating and weepy bitch tears. (Not to mention, actually seeing Klaus be things other than "smug" or "murderously angry" bodes well for the spinoff.)
* Once I realized "Em" was E.M., I was like OH SHIT HERE WE GO. And then in strolls Elijah, looking like a million dollars - and BAM! kisses Elena right on the mouth! And then I teared up, because this show makes me a 12-year-old with feels and SHUT UP MAYBE I WANT ELIJAH/KATHERINE, OKAY? I still say he maybe sort of more-than-liked her when she was still the doppelganger and he had a shitty wig and was still loyal to Klaus.
* I am never not going to love the hilarity of Katherine in a crowded room with the Salvatores, so they can't commit murder and have to resort to personal digs. Still not as good as Masquerade - Damon trying to stake her, while Stefan grabs his arm and says "No" in a long-suffering tone of voice, is legit one of the funniest things on this show - but throw in everyone idly eating and it's great.
* Also great? The fact that in Damon's absence, it's the Katherine Pierce Torture Hour. Weird things run true in her bloodline.
* ALSO great: everyone being horrified at Elijah and Katherine.
* Admit it, Katherine plunging Damon's head into an aquarium full of vervain water was sort of amazing.
* UGH ELIJAH YOU ARE THE BEST. Just - the fact that he's even trying to find some of the old Katerina in Katherine is staggering, all things considered. But then, he's always been the best of his siblings, the most concerned with honor and trying to remember how to be a person. (For the record, I think he'd be delighted about Klaus' thing for Caroline.)
* Seriously, did anyone think that Rebekah actually took the cure? It's Katherine. Like she doesn't have fakes stashed all over town, just in case.
* And now it's time for my once-an-episode rant: BONNIE AND SILAS CAN LITERALLY START THE APOCALYPSE ANY DAY NOW. Not that anyone would notice, because full 2/3 of you are in goddamn Pennsylvania right now dicking around with Katherine and drinking vervain and getting your necks snapped. And I'm sure we'd all like Alaric and Jeremy and Jenna and Lexi and Bill and Vicki and everyone else back, but you know who else comes back with them? ALL THE VAMPIRES, WITCHES, WEREWOLVES, AND ___________ THAT HAVE DIED SINCE QETSIYAH STARTED THIS SHIT. Supernatural fans might remember the whole "all the souls in Purgatory" gambit from S6; it involved Castiel briefly being discorporated, an impossible-to-kill group of monsters running around eating people, and Dean smelling a trenchcoat in the trunk of the Impala. THAT IS HAPPENING HERE. AGAIN. AND NO ONE CARES.
* I really, really want Katherine to mean it when she says she has feelings for Elijah. I totally don't, because I have watched this show for four years now, but it's hard to shut up that little voice in your head, you know? Hope's the last thing out of the box for a reason.
* "Aren't you supposed to be the smart brother?"
"You don't have a smart brother."
SHUT UP SOMETIMES I HAVE MIKAELSON FEELS.
* Honest to God, I am almost as excited for Klaus and Caroline, Bros as I am for Klaus/Caroline.
* So now if Stefan and Damon keep trying to "help" Elena, she'll just kill people. STAY CLASSY, AWFUL. No, seriously, can we switch protagonists and have Katherine take over for Elena in the finale after she dies? Because this one is THE WORST.
Next week: nothing! April 18, it's prom time! This will go exactly as good as you think it will. "Pictures of You," Thursday, April 18, 8 PM EST.
On the other hand, it involves Fantastic Bitch Katherine Pierce, who is smarter than all of Team Salvatore put together, and The Actual Best Original Ever, Elijah. So let's do this! (However short it's gonna turn out to be.)
* I will say: Katherine compelling an entire fucking town is genius. And would perhaps have saved you a lot of time and effort in 1864 if you'd just done that shit in Fell's Church, KATERINA. (Also, while I really do like Elena's new hair, Katherine's is still fantastic.)
* It's--not sad? I'm not sad, exactly, but there's something weirdly emotional about watching Klaus freak the fuck out and try to get the white oak out of his back. Here's a guy who's literally almost impossible to kill, so naturally you poison him with that one thing and it's all sweating and weepy bitch tears. (Not to mention, actually seeing Klaus be things other than "smug" or "murderously angry" bodes well for the spinoff.)
* Once I realized "Em" was E.M., I was like OH SHIT HERE WE GO. And then in strolls Elijah, looking like a million dollars - and BAM! kisses Elena right on the mouth! And then I teared up, because this show makes me a 12-year-old with feels and SHUT UP MAYBE I WANT ELIJAH/KATHERINE, OKAY? I still say he maybe sort of more-than-liked her when she was still the doppelganger and he had a shitty wig and was still loyal to Klaus.
* I am never not going to love the hilarity of Katherine in a crowded room with the Salvatores, so they can't commit murder and have to resort to personal digs. Still not as good as Masquerade - Damon trying to stake her, while Stefan grabs his arm and says "No" in a long-suffering tone of voice, is legit one of the funniest things on this show - but throw in everyone idly eating and it's great.
* Also great? The fact that in Damon's absence, it's the Katherine Pierce Torture Hour. Weird things run true in her bloodline.
* ALSO great: everyone being horrified at Elijah and Katherine.
* Admit it, Katherine plunging Damon's head into an aquarium full of vervain water was sort of amazing.
* UGH ELIJAH YOU ARE THE BEST. Just - the fact that he's even trying to find some of the old Katerina in Katherine is staggering, all things considered. But then, he's always been the best of his siblings, the most concerned with honor and trying to remember how to be a person. (For the record, I think he'd be delighted about Klaus' thing for Caroline.)
* Seriously, did anyone think that Rebekah actually took the cure? It's Katherine. Like she doesn't have fakes stashed all over town, just in case.
* And now it's time for my once-an-episode rant: BONNIE AND SILAS CAN LITERALLY START THE APOCALYPSE ANY DAY NOW. Not that anyone would notice, because full 2/3 of you are in goddamn Pennsylvania right now dicking around with Katherine and drinking vervain and getting your necks snapped. And I'm sure we'd all like Alaric and Jeremy and Jenna and Lexi and Bill and Vicki and everyone else back, but you know who else comes back with them? ALL THE VAMPIRES, WITCHES, WEREWOLVES, AND ___________ THAT HAVE DIED SINCE QETSIYAH STARTED THIS SHIT. Supernatural fans might remember the whole "all the souls in Purgatory" gambit from S6; it involved Castiel briefly being discorporated, an impossible-to-kill group of monsters running around eating people, and Dean smelling a trenchcoat in the trunk of the Impala. THAT IS HAPPENING HERE. AGAIN. AND NO ONE CARES.
* I really, really want Katherine to mean it when she says she has feelings for Elijah. I totally don't, because I have watched this show for four years now, but it's hard to shut up that little voice in your head, you know? Hope's the last thing out of the box for a reason.
* "Aren't you supposed to be the smart brother?"
"You don't have a smart brother."
SHUT UP SOMETIMES I HAVE MIKAELSON FEELS.
* Honest to God, I am almost as excited for Klaus and Caroline, Bros as I am for Klaus/Caroline.
* So now if Stefan and Damon keep trying to "help" Elena, she'll just kill people. STAY CLASSY, AWFUL. No, seriously, can we switch protagonists and have Katherine take over for Elena in the finale after she dies? Because this one is THE WORST.
Next week: nothing! April 18, it's prom time! This will go exactly as good as you think it will. "Pictures of You," Thursday, April 18, 8 PM EST.