"I just came up with a list called Things You Suck At."
Previously on TVD: Jeremy Gilbert was really, truly, in fact dead, because Katherine Pierce is THE WORST. Elena took it as well as can be expected - i.e., having a nervous breakdown that culminated in Stefan telling Damon to "do something" and Damon immediately jumping to Defcon 4 and having her shut off her emotions (thus ending the question about whether or not there's a sire bond - sorry, Delena shippers: still sketchy as hell), followed by Elena burning down her goddamn house. So...I guess Matt's going to be back in his family home, where he's burned all the curtains and mattresses for heat, then.
Also, Tyler's on the run from a vengeful Klaus, and Bonnie - with the help of "Professor Sketch", really a shapeshifting Silas, YES HE'S AWAKE - is about to start the apocalypse because she misses her ex-boyfriend and her grandma. So status quo in Virginia, then.
HAYLEY: Is back, having apparently double-crossed Silas via a deal with Katherine, who promptly double-crossed Hayley, because Katherine. She spends most of the week drinking, avoiding murder attempts, explaining what she'll be doing in the spinoff, and having I Wish You Were Someone Else sex with Klaus.
* Here's my main problem this season: I don't like Elena Gilbert, vampire.
This is all above and beyond her being a vampire; it's more the timing, really. The biggest development for her, obviously, isn't being a vampire; it's the Damon Thing, the sire bond, and it's incredibly lazy writing. You could have sold Delena to me, if it took all season and actually showed me what was happening: that Damon accepted Elena for who and what she is now, instead of mourning poor dead human Elena the way Stefan does. Problem is, the show told us that was how Elena felt, when Rebekah compelled her to tell Stefan the truth. It told, it didn't show. It shoehorned the entire thing with "well, sire bond - but those only exist when there are prior feelings!" Which, again, would make more sense, if I'd ever heard of it before in like three goddamned seasons.
I get that Elena's been through a lot. She's lost literally everyone - her parents, Jenna, Alaric, now Jeremy. She's a vampire. She's dealing with big, terrifying emotions that are all the more terrifying because vampires feel everything at an 11 as a baseline. I get that! That's fine! But we haven't focused on This is Who I Am Now as much as we have The Damon Thing, and that's just--really, really weak, to me.
Also, now Elena has no emotions, so she's an asshole. But then, most vampires are assholes, so I am not surprised.
* Except I'm sorry, did I say emotionless vampire Elena is an asshole? I misspoke. I meant SHE'S A CUNT. Seriously: eating randoms, exposing the entire vampire population of Mystic Falls - who is almost everyone she knows - to open warfare, and looking irritated that people are interrupting snackies? No. CUNT. Looks like the worst parts of the Petrova bloodline bred true.
* I will say, I didn't think through the whole "vervain in the water supply" thing as being bad, but--yeah, everyone has to go out of town TO EAT. That is messed up. And way smarter than anyone has down in, like, the entire run of this show. I'm gonna miss you, Mayor Hopkins. Way fewer humans might die on your watch.
* Caroline is perilously close to making a phone tree with those calls to Tyler.
* Also OH SHIT emotionless vampire + sire bond = CANCEL. Awesome.
* Have I mentioned I love Liz? She's operating under a ton of BS: vervain in the water, someone burned down the Gilbert house, and now the hospital's entire blood supply is missing, all of which impacts her as her only child is a vampire. Please don't ever kill Caroline's mom! Caroline's mom is the best!
* Seriously, why does anyone ever make a deal with Katherine unless she's blackmailing you into it? Alternately, why would anyone make a deal and then expect her *not* to double-cross you and attempt murder? Are you new? THAT IS LITERALLY HER WHOLE DEAL.
* "Maybe this is the better version of me." Then maybe we'd better stake your ass now and get it over why. And why is your dress barely a top when everyone else appears to be in knee-length tank dresses?
* And then Elena deliberately drops Caroline for talking back to her! Because emotionless Elena is a cunt! Seriously, you guys, when we look back on this in the fullness of time, I'm going to call it The Time EG Was a C, because SHE IS BEING A CUNT RIGHT NOW. And I hate that word, but that's how she's acting.
* Ten bucks says Silas and Bonnie are gathering up all the blood for like four towns around to lure in a bunch of vampires - oh, say, eight - and perform the final massacre.
* Klaus has a studio! That, other than his feelings for Caroline, is my favorite thing about him: Klaus Mikaelson, art nerd.
* Hey, hey, hey. Let's not compare Elena to Katherine. Katherine has feelings; she just ignores them most of the time. Like a Vulcan. A sexy, murderous Vulcan.
...so a Romulan, then.
* And then Elena's throwing a rager at the boardinghouse! Which is not her property! Because SHE IS A CUNT.
* Watching Damon whammy people into forgetting they got snacked on by using HUMAN BAIT: still fucking horrifying!
* So Hayley's getting onto the spinoff via messed-up buddyfucking and protection from Katherine. Good for her? I guess? Though it's weird watching the dude from Hex and Faye from The Secret Circle have angry sex.
* And then Elena tries to eat Liz, because SHE IS A C-U-N-T. Everyone, get your hands off Liz. Don't make me say it again, especially after the Carol thing.
* Oh, and Damon knows the vampire that was after Hayley on Katherine's orders - Will - which will probably recur during next week's Flashback Party, not that it matters because oh whoops! Will's dead.
* "If you see her, don't hesitate: just snap her neck." Only on this show could that be code for tough love.
* I love that Damon is not even remotely surprised to see a rager going on in his house.
* I'd like to remind you, before anyone gets on my ass about repeatedly calling Elena the C-word: she ate a number of people for no real reason other than she was bored, injured Caroline's mom, and was about to stake Caroline. CAROLINE. Who she has been friends with since KINDERGARTEN. And do you know why? BECAUSE VAMPIRE ELENA GILBERT IS A CUNT.
* And as a sidebar: what's with people hate-tweeting Julie Plec? That--were some of you raised in a barn? STOP THAT. She is telling you a story. You are not always going to like how that story goes. Do I hate emotionless vampire Elena? Of course! I've been calling her a cunt the entire night, and I wish there was a word that means more vitriol than that one, but that's what I've got so that's what I'm using. But at no point would I ever talk shit about Julie, or Kevin, or anyone else, because that's the point of the story. If I was legitimately furious, I would just stop watching. But I don't. I love this story, even when it pisses me off, or irritates me, or makes me cry every other week.
* "One of life's many mysteries." And the look on Damon's face - oh my God, you guys, Damon Salvatore might have had two friends, counting Will. I teared up at the look on Ian's face! What the actual shit CAN HE STOP LOSING PEOPLE? For real, when Cult gets canceled - don't make that face at me, it's gonna - can we bring Alaric back? I WILL PAY YOU BUBBLE.
* Aaaaand then Caroline has to get invited into Tyler's house, because HE GAVE MATT HIS HOUSE. HE WROTE CAROLINE A LETTER AND SAID HE CAN'T EVER COME BACK. I HATE EVERYTHING.
Next week: Damon takes Elena to New York to get the smell of small-town Virginia off of her, and kicks off yet another Flashback Party - this one featuring Lexi! Twice in one year! Apparently they shared a "complicated encounter", which means - say it with me - AWKWARD HATESEX. "Because the Night", next Thursday, 8 PM EST.
Also, Tyler's on the run from a vengeful Klaus, and Bonnie - with the help of "Professor Sketch", really a shapeshifting Silas, YES HE'S AWAKE - is about to start the apocalypse because she misses her ex-boyfriend and her grandma. So status quo in Virginia, then.
HAYLEY: Is back, having apparently double-crossed Silas via a deal with Katherine, who promptly double-crossed Hayley, because Katherine. She spends most of the week drinking, avoiding murder attempts, explaining what she'll be doing in the spinoff, and having I Wish You Were Someone Else sex with Klaus.
* Here's my main problem this season: I don't like Elena Gilbert, vampire.
This is all above and beyond her being a vampire; it's more the timing, really. The biggest development for her, obviously, isn't being a vampire; it's the Damon Thing, the sire bond, and it's incredibly lazy writing. You could have sold Delena to me, if it took all season and actually showed me what was happening: that Damon accepted Elena for who and what she is now, instead of mourning poor dead human Elena the way Stefan does. Problem is, the show told us that was how Elena felt, when Rebekah compelled her to tell Stefan the truth. It told, it didn't show. It shoehorned the entire thing with "well, sire bond - but those only exist when there are prior feelings!" Which, again, would make more sense, if I'd ever heard of it before in like three goddamned seasons.
I get that Elena's been through a lot. She's lost literally everyone - her parents, Jenna, Alaric, now Jeremy. She's a vampire. She's dealing with big, terrifying emotions that are all the more terrifying because vampires feel everything at an 11 as a baseline. I get that! That's fine! But we haven't focused on This is Who I Am Now as much as we have The Damon Thing, and that's just--really, really weak, to me.
Also, now Elena has no emotions, so she's an asshole. But then, most vampires are assholes, so I am not surprised.
* Except I'm sorry, did I say emotionless vampire Elena is an asshole? I misspoke. I meant SHE'S A CUNT. Seriously: eating randoms, exposing the entire vampire population of Mystic Falls - who is almost everyone she knows - to open warfare, and looking irritated that people are interrupting snackies? No. CUNT. Looks like the worst parts of the Petrova bloodline bred true.
* I will say, I didn't think through the whole "vervain in the water supply" thing as being bad, but--yeah, everyone has to go out of town TO EAT. That is messed up. And way smarter than anyone has down in, like, the entire run of this show. I'm gonna miss you, Mayor Hopkins. Way fewer humans might die on your watch.
* Caroline is perilously close to making a phone tree with those calls to Tyler.
* Also OH SHIT emotionless vampire + sire bond = CANCEL. Awesome.
* Have I mentioned I love Liz? She's operating under a ton of BS: vervain in the water, someone burned down the Gilbert house, and now the hospital's entire blood supply is missing, all of which impacts her as her only child is a vampire. Please don't ever kill Caroline's mom! Caroline's mom is the best!
* Seriously, why does anyone ever make a deal with Katherine unless she's blackmailing you into it? Alternately, why would anyone make a deal and then expect her *not* to double-cross you and attempt murder? Are you new? THAT IS LITERALLY HER WHOLE DEAL.
* "Maybe this is the better version of me." Then maybe we'd better stake your ass now and get it over why. And why is your dress barely a top when everyone else appears to be in knee-length tank dresses?
* And then Elena deliberately drops Caroline for talking back to her! Because emotionless Elena is a cunt! Seriously, you guys, when we look back on this in the fullness of time, I'm going to call it The Time EG Was a C, because SHE IS BEING A CUNT RIGHT NOW. And I hate that word, but that's how she's acting.
* Ten bucks says Silas and Bonnie are gathering up all the blood for like four towns around to lure in a bunch of vampires - oh, say, eight - and perform the final massacre.
* Klaus has a studio! That, other than his feelings for Caroline, is my favorite thing about him: Klaus Mikaelson, art nerd.
* Hey, hey, hey. Let's not compare Elena to Katherine. Katherine has feelings; she just ignores them most of the time. Like a Vulcan. A sexy, murderous Vulcan.
...so a Romulan, then.
* And then Elena's throwing a rager at the boardinghouse! Which is not her property! Because SHE IS A CUNT.
* Watching Damon whammy people into forgetting they got snacked on by using HUMAN BAIT: still fucking horrifying!
* So Hayley's getting onto the spinoff via messed-up buddyfucking and protection from Katherine. Good for her? I guess? Though it's weird watching the dude from Hex and Faye from The Secret Circle have angry sex.
* And then Elena tries to eat Liz, because SHE IS A C-U-N-T. Everyone, get your hands off Liz. Don't make me say it again, especially after the Carol thing.
* Oh, and Damon knows the vampire that was after Hayley on Katherine's orders - Will - which will probably recur during next week's Flashback Party, not that it matters because oh whoops! Will's dead.
* "If you see her, don't hesitate: just snap her neck." Only on this show could that be code for tough love.
* I love that Damon is not even remotely surprised to see a rager going on in his house.
* I'd like to remind you, before anyone gets on my ass about repeatedly calling Elena the C-word: she ate a number of people for no real reason other than she was bored, injured Caroline's mom, and was about to stake Caroline. CAROLINE. Who she has been friends with since KINDERGARTEN. And do you know why? BECAUSE VAMPIRE ELENA GILBERT IS A CUNT.
* And as a sidebar: what's with people hate-tweeting Julie Plec? That--were some of you raised in a barn? STOP THAT. She is telling you a story. You are not always going to like how that story goes. Do I hate emotionless vampire Elena? Of course! I've been calling her a cunt the entire night, and I wish there was a word that means more vitriol than that one, but that's what I've got so that's what I'm using. But at no point would I ever talk shit about Julie, or Kevin, or anyone else, because that's the point of the story. If I was legitimately furious, I would just stop watching. But I don't. I love this story, even when it pisses me off, or irritates me, or makes me cry every other week.
* "One of life's many mysteries." And the look on Damon's face - oh my God, you guys, Damon Salvatore might have had two friends, counting Will. I teared up at the look on Ian's face! What the actual shit CAN HE STOP LOSING PEOPLE? For real, when Cult gets canceled - don't make that face at me, it's gonna - can we bring Alaric back? I WILL PAY YOU BUBBLE.
* Aaaaand then Caroline has to get invited into Tyler's house, because HE GAVE MATT HIS HOUSE. HE WROTE CAROLINE A LETTER AND SAID HE CAN'T EVER COME BACK. I HATE EVERYTHING.
Next week: Damon takes Elena to New York to get the smell of small-town Virginia off of her, and kicks off yet another Flashback Party - this one featuring Lexi! Twice in one year! Apparently they shared a "complicated encounter", which means - say it with me - AWKWARD HATESEX. "Because the Night", next Thursday, 8 PM EST.