"Shut up! SHUT! UP!"
Here's why I hate TV: when the stupid Presidental Address crawl started on Fox? I just thought it was a fake-out teaser, like "______ number of criminals have escaped from Fox River Penitentiary". But no, it's Captain Asshole talking about immigration reform. AND RUINING MY NIGHT, HOLMES. YOU ARE NOT PULLING THIS SHIT DURING 24, IS WHAT I'M SAYING.
Also, I had to sit through Captain Asshole's address, on the off-chance the show started directly after the stupid address finished, so I've learned that we're now about ten, maybe fifteen years from living in The Handmaid's Tale. So if you like having sex for any reason other than procreation, in anything other than a completely heterosexual manner, or being anyreligion except right-wing Christian, you should probably get on that. Which is bullshit, because I look washed out in red, and those little wing hats will look shitty with my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss getting abortions.
Previously on Prison Break:
30-odd years ago, Nofirstname Burrows left behind his wife and two young sons to join The Conspiracy, a multinational conglomerate of people who secretly run the world. His children grew up: Lincoln Burrows became a mild ne’er-do-well who was in and out of jail for petty reasons, while Michael Scofield (presumably taking their mother’s maiden name) became an architect. As it turns out, the money for Michael to go to a prestigious university came from Lincoln borrowing $90,000 from various unsavory types; when he was unable to pay it back, he was ordered to perform a hit. Lincoln couldn’t go through with it, but according to the security tapes, he *did* -- and worse, the man he killed was the brother of the Vice-President of the United States. He was convicted and sentenced to death at Illinois’ Fox River Penitentiary, leaving behind his ex-wife and a teenage son named Lincoln Junior, or LJ. In truth, the man was not actually dead, and the entire thing was a ruse to smoke out Nofirstname Burrows from hiding, correctly thinking that there was no way he’d leave his son to die in jail for a crime he didn’t commit. When Michael discovered *why* Lincoln had been sent to kill the man -- borrowing 90 grand so he could make something of his life -- he was immediately flooded with guilt. Except Michael was a genius, so in addition to being a brilliant architect who, in fact, helped overhaul the prison his brother was sentenced to, he decided that all he could do to make it right was to break his brother out of prison before he could be executed.
So Michael did what any good little brother would do: he walked into a federal bank, fired a couple rounds at the ceiling, and was sentenced to the minimum of five years for attempted armed robbery.
His plan seemed so simple at first: get in, make nice with his cellmate, fake diabetes to get access to the prison infirmary, and through a plan so elaborate it would make Rube Goldberg weep, use his intricate full-torso tattoo to break him and his brother out of prison.
This lasted all of 36 hours. At the most. Probably a little less. I can't be certain; it's been a while since I've seen the pilot.
In the last several months, Michael’s escape plan has blossomed to include the following, in no particular order:
A staged prison riot; becoming attracted to the prison doctor, whose father is the governor and who is, herself, a recovering drug addict; rescuing Dr. Tancredi from a rape gang formed by said prison riot; Patricia Wettig, Michelle Forbes, and John Billingsley attempting to stage a coup within the U.S. Government; lying to a Swedish-accented member of the Mafia to get access to the man’s private plane and a way out of the country; faking anal sex with his cellmate to get enough private time to dig a hole out of their cell and into the labyrinth of tunnels running through the prison; saving a Czech girl from being sold into slavery, then marrying her to get her a green card so she could smuggle him in a credit card under the pretext of a conjugal visit; Agent Kellerman, Patricia Wettig’s right-hand minion, killing LJ’s mom and his stepdad, then framing him for it; people being dumped down wells; a gay Nazi pedophile tricking his way into the escape plan, and turning out to be equal parts living, breathing evil and oddly compelling; the guy who’s been getting Michael his fake diabetes drug lying to his wife and telling her he’s still in Iraq, when he was, in fact, dishonorably discharged for threatening to report prisoner abuse, and thrown in jail when he tried to rob a delivery truck because apparently a dishonorable discharge does not make you good job fodder, so much; one of the oldest trusties at the prison turning out to be D.B. Cooper, the famed bank robber; prison guards who are actually *worse* than the inmates, including the head guard, who once set a kid up to be repeatedly anally raped; surprisingly little actual anal rape; Sucre’s big ol’ Puerto Rican cousin, who can be blackmailed through the repeated use of the phrase "that thing with the donkey"; the living, breathing definition of "snitch", who was thrown in the clink for trying to steal a Honus Wagner baseball card and somehow managing to be a complete dicksmack, despite my repeated attempts to not want to punch him in the face; Kellerman trying to stage Lincoln’s own private prison break, and totally fucking it up, which will never, ever get old; Lincoln’s son conveniently getting arrested; Veronica, Lincoln’s ex-girlfriend the tax attorney, magically deciding she’s a criminal attorney despite her lack of several things, including common sense, measurable intelligence, and a BRAIN; every person on God’s green earth being in on the conspiracy, including Sara’s dad the governor, the prison warden, and possibly Jesus; the gay Nazi pedophile trying to kill the Swedish-sounding member of the Mafia, and not only totally failing, but inspiring Abruzzi’s apparent born-again Christianity, which is actually total bullshit; any number of injuries to Michael’s body, including a burn from a steam pipe, Abruzzi cutting off two of his toes; Nick taking Veronica hostage and letting her go, only to be killed, along with his father, by one of Abruzzi’s goons; Michael taking the warden hostage; Westmoreland cracking Bellick over the head with a shovel and dumping him down a tunnel, sustaining mortal wounds from a broken bottle in the process, but not before telling Michael -- and C-Note, and T-Bag -- that he has five million dollars stashed in the Midwest, thereby setting up next season’s B-plot; and Michael’s actual prison break going great except for the part where he failed to factor in that it would happen during a season finale. (In the interests of total honesty, I think I missed a couple. It's been a long year, folks.)
Also, there was that time that MICHAEL AND SARA KISSED OMG. But that could just be me, so.
And now, the two scariest words in any show's seasonal run: SEASON FINALE.
Honest to God, I'm so fucking pissed about the stupid Presidential Address, I kind of almost don't care that the thing has started 20 minutes late. On the other hand, that could be influenced by the fact that I have not covered myself in glory these last 24 hours.
I'm more pissed off than I should be about Nick's last words getting cut for time. "Why don't you bite it?" Come on! Those are awesome last words! I'd rather hear that than Bellick posturing again.
You can't blame Sucre's cousin for selling them all out, but I sort of want to kick him in the nuts for doing it.
Hero Doctor Sara! You'd better be at home practicing your lie right now.
Seriously, how do y'all not regularly check the cells for escape tunnels? I would do that shit if I were you, and I'm just going off that episode of Unsolved Mysteries they keep showing how those guys broke out of Alcatraz, you know?
Gang of Ten - Westmoreland and Sucre's cousin = Gang of Eight. Yes, I'm gonna be doing this the whole time, if just for me.
Let's look at this rationally. Lincoln is a convicted killer, but he didn't do it; T-Bag and Abruzzi...okay, *they* killed people. But Tweener and Sucre were doing tiny bullshit armed robberies, and Michael half-assed "robbing" a federal bank, I don't actually remember what Haywire was in for, and C-Note tried to knock over a truck. So we're really looking at two *actual* killers, and a bunch of dangerous-and-terrified guys with remarkably similar hairstyles and wacky nicknames. All I'm saying, Pope, is that you can pretty much put the shotguns away.
"I don't know if we're gonna get a chance, papi." ...You know, Scheuring, if you wanted me to write Michael/Sucre, all you had to do was ask. Talk to anyone on LJ, dude; you get me at the right time, and I will pretty much goddamn well write anything. You don't have to hand it to me. I feel a little guilty now. Well, no, I don't. But in some alternate universe, I probably do.
Oh, come on. Did we need the shot of Nick's dead body? Because I'm pretty sure we knew last week that he was dead, so now you're just milking it, assholes.
Michelle Forbes! Just kill Patricia Wettig already!
"Eye-tie"? I know that's a derogatory term for an Italian, but seriously, the last time I heard it used was a Kids in the Hall sketch.
Did I laugh when they ditched Haywire? Yes. Yes I did. Because I am a bad, mean lady.
"Someone left it open for them." Hero Doctor Sara! Throw suspicion on someone else! FAST!
You almost have to admire T-Bag for pulling that handcuff trick. Even better: Michael's completely stricken "this was not in any phase of the plan!" face, which I'm starting to think Wentworth should have patented. Although I'd kind of like to see him have actual facial expressions next season. Like a smile! A real one, like he gave Sara in the steam tunnels when they were fleeing from the accidental rape gang! Which is not a sentence I ever thought I'd have to type, so go figure.
And I kind of don't hate T-Bag anymore, which is BULLSHIT. Fucking Prison Break, making me not hate the gay Nazi pedophile anymore. I sympathize, Michael! This was not in my plan, either!
Gang of Eight - Haywire = Gang of Seven.
As soon as T-Bag swallowed the key, my brain went, "Uh, you could really just cut his hand off or something." And then I sat back and waited. And then they shut the door and OH HOLY SHIT HEDGECLIPPERS AAAGH AAAGH AAAGH AAAGH AAAGH. But that was just a fakeout for the AXE HOLY SHIT.
Oh, shadowy government conspiracy and your untraceable poisons made in labs. I'm gonna miss you this summer, I really am.
"Shut up! Shut up!" Oh my God, Michael, you can get mad whenever you like. I mean, righteously angry, not just "you didn't get my dry-cleaning" angry. Try that shit with Sara, she'll crack a pan over your head. Which just makes me beam, because SEKRIT THAILAND WEDDING.
Katie! You're so off the fucking list for the SEKRIT THAILAND WEDDING, lady. So off.
Oh, Sara. You used to be a drug addict, and you can't be a better liar? Seriously?
Wait, if you're try to escape through the woods, away from the roadblock, perhaps you shouldn't YELL QUITE SO MUCH.
Gang of Seven - Tweener = Gang of Six.
Michael, just a note: next time, perhaps you should anticipate the judicious use of helicopters when looking for escaped prisoners. I mean, after you try judging the tensile strength of the thing you're climbing across buildings on. You forgot a couple of things, is what I'm saying.
(Sidebar: if I admit that I don't like Oprah, I get fired, right? From being a girl? They fire me, right? Okay, just checking.)
"We are if [I've] got something to do with it." No, Hero Convict Sucre! You do not make me love your odds, so much.
So now Sucre *and* Michael are both called Papi? Seriously, Scheuring, you could have just asked. I'm happy to do it.
Dammit! They're making me not hate C-Note! He's patriotic and African-American and a decent guy who got handed a raw deal! He's totally going to die!
"I thought you got busted for armed robbery." "That's what I got caught for." Fernando + me = love. You're totally going in the Fantasy Sex Camp pool next year, Amaury. I'm just saying.
Sure, Haywire's stealing the little girl's bike and helmet, but he apologized first. He's a *nice* crazy guy.
It's nice to know that some things don't change. Veronica! Perhaps next time when you're sneaking up on the secret residence of the VP's supposedly-dead-brother, you could wear sneakers. They did not earn their name because criminals wear them. Criminy.
Anyone but me remember LJ? LJ Burrows, not Livejournal. Anyone? Scheuring? *Lincoln*? YOUR ONLY CHILD?
Dammit! Who tipped Patricia Wettig's guys off to the poisoning? Perfect opportunity, shot right to shit.
Gang of Six - T-Bag and HIS HAND OH MY GOD = Gang of Five.
(Sidebar 2: I have issues with people busting out hedgeclippers for violence. Not because I'm opposed to violence or whatever, it isn't a moral thing; but in Tobe Hooper's remake of The Toolbox Murders, the killer uses a pair of hedgeclippers to cut through a guy's spine, and considering that most of that movie made me wince and hide behind a pillow, I have funky associations with certain tools of violence. End sidebar.)
It's almost worth it, though, for everyone's near-identical "oh holy shit YOU CUT OFF HIS HAND" faces. Michael, in particular, looks like he's going to chunk right there. On the plus side, when he shows up next season, I get to make all kinds of "it was the One-Handed Man" jokes.
Tweener actually did something smart by hiding in the horse trailer. Holy crap. Holy crap.
Well, Jesus, no wonder Patricia Wettig didn't drink the water: she killed his ass. That's balls, right there. It's like Commander-in-Chief, but evil. And less canceled.
Hero Doctor Sara! Took the morphine! She took the morphine I SWEAR TO GOD SHE'D BETTER NOT BE DEAD. Fucking Bellick gets to live, but Sara DIES IN HER OWN VOMIT? ALL I HAVE NOW IS HATE, SCHEURING.
...On the plus side, "probable" DOA. Until I see her zipped into a body bag, I trust nothing. Not after "I got my throat slashed and all I got was this lousy fake case of born-again Christianity" Abruzzi. LA LA LA FINGERS IN EARS LA LA LA.
I didn't realize until the montage that that's why John Billingsley's been drinking food through a blender: he had to, because they took out his teeth to plant on the fake body. That's...sort of brilliant.
So we're down a plane; Sara's probably dead; Stumpy, Tweener and Haywire are free, which means the irony police are having a field day; Veronica's actually doing smart things; Patricia Wettig's been sworn in as president; and I am actually frighteningly happy this show has been renewed, considering that it's being run by Paul T. "I Break People's Motherfucking Hearts" Scheuring. DON'T THINK I WON'T CUT YOU, SCHEURING. JUST ASK JJ ABRAMS.
I hate this show. I love this show. I hate this show. I love this show. I hate this show. I love this show.
And I have until, what, fucking November to write do-overs, so that's fine. In conclusion: I was nowhere near drunk enough for this shit, and actually have never been drunk enough in my entire life.
Secondary conclusion: I am spending hiatus coming up with some kind of plan to put characters *I* love into a universe that does note hate them and want them dead, and Sara, you're totally invited. You can even bring Michael and Sucre, because it's not like they killed you.
It is sort of impressive, not to mention ballsy, to air a commercial for Season Two telling me *absolutely nothing* about Season Two, and, in fact, only using footage from Season One.
Third conclusion: ...Seriously, the Sara thing is pissing me off so much I can't even be sarcastic about it. I just default to capslock.
Because if Sara *is* dead (fingers in ears la la la la la la la), it goes against everything we've seen. She's smart. She's smart enough to get off morphine, or whatever she was on; she picked herself up, dusted herself off, rebuilt her entire life. She's brave enough to find out the truth -- that her father's in on the shadowy government conspiracy -- and do what's morally right (helping Michael and the others escape) instead of what's legally right (turning them in, keeping the door locked, etc.). She's not stupid by any means, she can go toe-to-toe with Michael and not blink...aaaaaand we're supposed to believe that she felt so guilty about that that she went home, OD'd on morphine, and died.
I mean. Here's logic; about a mile away is what I just saw. It does not make any goddamn sense.
It's incredibly lazy writing. I don't know if the writers thought that having two women on the show was one too many, but I just -- honestly, even the *writer* in me, who is occasionally vile and evil, looks at that and goes, "What the fuck?" That is stupider than killing Shannon and Boone combined, and God knows y'all have seen me lose my shit on *that* before.
It's trying to tell us that good never wins, that evil always triumphs, that if you do what's right you're going to pay for it in the end. And I don't fucking believe that, okay? I can't. It's lazy, and sloppy, and seeing Sara like that actually made me cry, and I am not even remotely kidding when I say that Paul T. Scheuring is now on the list of People I Would Punch in the Face If I Ever Meet Him or Her, along with Joss Whedon, JJ Abrams, and (possibly) Brian K. Vaughan, depending on who dies in Issue 18 of Runaways.
Until and unless I see a body, she's not dead. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Also, I had to sit through Captain Asshole's address, on the off-chance the show started directly after the stupid address finished, so I've learned that we're now about ten, maybe fifteen years from living in The Handmaid's Tale. So if you like having sex for any reason other than procreation, in anything other than a completely heterosexual manner, or being anyreligion except right-wing Christian, you should probably get on that. Which is bullshit, because I look washed out in red, and those little wing hats will look shitty with my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss getting abortions.
Previously on Prison Break:
30-odd years ago, Nofirstname Burrows left behind his wife and two young sons to join The Conspiracy, a multinational conglomerate of people who secretly run the world. His children grew up: Lincoln Burrows became a mild ne’er-do-well who was in and out of jail for petty reasons, while Michael Scofield (presumably taking their mother’s maiden name) became an architect. As it turns out, the money for Michael to go to a prestigious university came from Lincoln borrowing $90,000 from various unsavory types; when he was unable to pay it back, he was ordered to perform a hit. Lincoln couldn’t go through with it, but according to the security tapes, he *did* -- and worse, the man he killed was the brother of the Vice-President of the United States. He was convicted and sentenced to death at Illinois’ Fox River Penitentiary, leaving behind his ex-wife and a teenage son named Lincoln Junior, or LJ. In truth, the man was not actually dead, and the entire thing was a ruse to smoke out Nofirstname Burrows from hiding, correctly thinking that there was no way he’d leave his son to die in jail for a crime he didn’t commit. When Michael discovered *why* Lincoln had been sent to kill the man -- borrowing 90 grand so he could make something of his life -- he was immediately flooded with guilt. Except Michael was a genius, so in addition to being a brilliant architect who, in fact, helped overhaul the prison his brother was sentenced to, he decided that all he could do to make it right was to break his brother out of prison before he could be executed.
So Michael did what any good little brother would do: he walked into a federal bank, fired a couple rounds at the ceiling, and was sentenced to the minimum of five years for attempted armed robbery.
His plan seemed so simple at first: get in, make nice with his cellmate, fake diabetes to get access to the prison infirmary, and through a plan so elaborate it would make Rube Goldberg weep, use his intricate full-torso tattoo to break him and his brother out of prison.
This lasted all of 36 hours. At the most. Probably a little less. I can't be certain; it's been a while since I've seen the pilot.
In the last several months, Michael’s escape plan has blossomed to include the following, in no particular order:
A staged prison riot; becoming attracted to the prison doctor, whose father is the governor and who is, herself, a recovering drug addict; rescuing Dr. Tancredi from a rape gang formed by said prison riot; Patricia Wettig, Michelle Forbes, and John Billingsley attempting to stage a coup within the U.S. Government; lying to a Swedish-accented member of the Mafia to get access to the man’s private plane and a way out of the country; faking anal sex with his cellmate to get enough private time to dig a hole out of their cell and into the labyrinth of tunnels running through the prison; saving a Czech girl from being sold into slavery, then marrying her to get her a green card so she could smuggle him in a credit card under the pretext of a conjugal visit; Agent Kellerman, Patricia Wettig’s right-hand minion, killing LJ’s mom and his stepdad, then framing him for it; people being dumped down wells; a gay Nazi pedophile tricking his way into the escape plan, and turning out to be equal parts living, breathing evil and oddly compelling; the guy who’s been getting Michael his fake diabetes drug lying to his wife and telling her he’s still in Iraq, when he was, in fact, dishonorably discharged for threatening to report prisoner abuse, and thrown in jail when he tried to rob a delivery truck because apparently a dishonorable discharge does not make you good job fodder, so much; one of the oldest trusties at the prison turning out to be D.B. Cooper, the famed bank robber; prison guards who are actually *worse* than the inmates, including the head guard, who once set a kid up to be repeatedly anally raped; surprisingly little actual anal rape; Sucre’s big ol’ Puerto Rican cousin, who can be blackmailed through the repeated use of the phrase "that thing with the donkey"; the living, breathing definition of "snitch", who was thrown in the clink for trying to steal a Honus Wagner baseball card and somehow managing to be a complete dicksmack, despite my repeated attempts to not want to punch him in the face; Kellerman trying to stage Lincoln’s own private prison break, and totally fucking it up, which will never, ever get old; Lincoln’s son conveniently getting arrested; Veronica, Lincoln’s ex-girlfriend the tax attorney, magically deciding she’s a criminal attorney despite her lack of several things, including common sense, measurable intelligence, and a BRAIN; every person on God’s green earth being in on the conspiracy, including Sara’s dad the governor, the prison warden, and possibly Jesus; the gay Nazi pedophile trying to kill the Swedish-sounding member of the Mafia, and not only totally failing, but inspiring Abruzzi’s apparent born-again Christianity, which is actually total bullshit; any number of injuries to Michael’s body, including a burn from a steam pipe, Abruzzi cutting off two of his toes; Nick taking Veronica hostage and letting her go, only to be killed, along with his father, by one of Abruzzi’s goons; Michael taking the warden hostage; Westmoreland cracking Bellick over the head with a shovel and dumping him down a tunnel, sustaining mortal wounds from a broken bottle in the process, but not before telling Michael -- and C-Note, and T-Bag -- that he has five million dollars stashed in the Midwest, thereby setting up next season’s B-plot; and Michael’s actual prison break going great except for the part where he failed to factor in that it would happen during a season finale. (In the interests of total honesty, I think I missed a couple. It's been a long year, folks.)
Also, there was that time that MICHAEL AND SARA KISSED OMG. But that could just be me, so.
And now, the two scariest words in any show's seasonal run: SEASON FINALE.
Honest to God, I'm so fucking pissed about the stupid Presidential Address, I kind of almost don't care that the thing has started 20 minutes late. On the other hand, that could be influenced by the fact that I have not covered myself in glory these last 24 hours.
I'm more pissed off than I should be about Nick's last words getting cut for time. "Why don't you bite it?" Come on! Those are awesome last words! I'd rather hear that than Bellick posturing again.
You can't blame Sucre's cousin for selling them all out, but I sort of want to kick him in the nuts for doing it.
Hero Doctor Sara! You'd better be at home practicing your lie right now.
Seriously, how do y'all not regularly check the cells for escape tunnels? I would do that shit if I were you, and I'm just going off that episode of Unsolved Mysteries they keep showing how those guys broke out of Alcatraz, you know?
Gang of Ten - Westmoreland and Sucre's cousin = Gang of Eight. Yes, I'm gonna be doing this the whole time, if just for me.
Let's look at this rationally. Lincoln is a convicted killer, but he didn't do it; T-Bag and Abruzzi...okay, *they* killed people. But Tweener and Sucre were doing tiny bullshit armed robberies, and Michael half-assed "robbing" a federal bank, I don't actually remember what Haywire was in for, and C-Note tried to knock over a truck. So we're really looking at two *actual* killers, and a bunch of dangerous-and-terrified guys with remarkably similar hairstyles and wacky nicknames. All I'm saying, Pope, is that you can pretty much put the shotguns away.
"I don't know if we're gonna get a chance, papi." ...You know, Scheuring, if you wanted me to write Michael/Sucre, all you had to do was ask. Talk to anyone on LJ, dude; you get me at the right time, and I will pretty much goddamn well write anything. You don't have to hand it to me. I feel a little guilty now. Well, no, I don't. But in some alternate universe, I probably do.
Oh, come on. Did we need the shot of Nick's dead body? Because I'm pretty sure we knew last week that he was dead, so now you're just milking it, assholes.
Michelle Forbes! Just kill Patricia Wettig already!
"Eye-tie"? I know that's a derogatory term for an Italian, but seriously, the last time I heard it used was a Kids in the Hall sketch.
Did I laugh when they ditched Haywire? Yes. Yes I did. Because I am a bad, mean lady.
"Someone left it open for them." Hero Doctor Sara! Throw suspicion on someone else! FAST!
You almost have to admire T-Bag for pulling that handcuff trick. Even better: Michael's completely stricken "this was not in any phase of the plan!" face, which I'm starting to think Wentworth should have patented. Although I'd kind of like to see him have actual facial expressions next season. Like a smile! A real one, like he gave Sara in the steam tunnels when they were fleeing from the accidental rape gang! Which is not a sentence I ever thought I'd have to type, so go figure.
And I kind of don't hate T-Bag anymore, which is BULLSHIT. Fucking Prison Break, making me not hate the gay Nazi pedophile anymore. I sympathize, Michael! This was not in my plan, either!
Gang of Eight - Haywire = Gang of Seven.
As soon as T-Bag swallowed the key, my brain went, "Uh, you could really just cut his hand off or something." And then I sat back and waited. And then they shut the door and OH HOLY SHIT HEDGECLIPPERS AAAGH AAAGH AAAGH AAAGH AAAGH. But that was just a fakeout for the AXE HOLY SHIT.
Oh, shadowy government conspiracy and your untraceable poisons made in labs. I'm gonna miss you this summer, I really am.
"Shut up! Shut up!" Oh my God, Michael, you can get mad whenever you like. I mean, righteously angry, not just "you didn't get my dry-cleaning" angry. Try that shit with Sara, she'll crack a pan over your head. Which just makes me beam, because SEKRIT THAILAND WEDDING.
Katie! You're so off the fucking list for the SEKRIT THAILAND WEDDING, lady. So off.
Oh, Sara. You used to be a drug addict, and you can't be a better liar? Seriously?
Wait, if you're try to escape through the woods, away from the roadblock, perhaps you shouldn't YELL QUITE SO MUCH.
Gang of Seven - Tweener = Gang of Six.
Michael, just a note: next time, perhaps you should anticipate the judicious use of helicopters when looking for escaped prisoners. I mean, after you try judging the tensile strength of the thing you're climbing across buildings on. You forgot a couple of things, is what I'm saying.
(Sidebar: if I admit that I don't like Oprah, I get fired, right? From being a girl? They fire me, right? Okay, just checking.)
"We are if [I've] got something to do with it." No, Hero Convict Sucre! You do not make me love your odds, so much.
So now Sucre *and* Michael are both called Papi? Seriously, Scheuring, you could have just asked. I'm happy to do it.
Dammit! They're making me not hate C-Note! He's patriotic and African-American and a decent guy who got handed a raw deal! He's totally going to die!
"I thought you got busted for armed robbery." "That's what I got caught for." Fernando + me = love. You're totally going in the Fantasy Sex Camp pool next year, Amaury. I'm just saying.
Sure, Haywire's stealing the little girl's bike and helmet, but he apologized first. He's a *nice* crazy guy.
It's nice to know that some things don't change. Veronica! Perhaps next time when you're sneaking up on the secret residence of the VP's supposedly-dead-brother, you could wear sneakers. They did not earn their name because criminals wear them. Criminy.
Anyone but me remember LJ? LJ Burrows, not Livejournal. Anyone? Scheuring? *Lincoln*? YOUR ONLY CHILD?
Dammit! Who tipped Patricia Wettig's guys off to the poisoning? Perfect opportunity, shot right to shit.
Gang of Six - T-Bag and HIS HAND OH MY GOD = Gang of Five.
(Sidebar 2: I have issues with people busting out hedgeclippers for violence. Not because I'm opposed to violence or whatever, it isn't a moral thing; but in Tobe Hooper's remake of The Toolbox Murders, the killer uses a pair of hedgeclippers to cut through a guy's spine, and considering that most of that movie made me wince and hide behind a pillow, I have funky associations with certain tools of violence. End sidebar.)
It's almost worth it, though, for everyone's near-identical "oh holy shit YOU CUT OFF HIS HAND" faces. Michael, in particular, looks like he's going to chunk right there. On the plus side, when he shows up next season, I get to make all kinds of "it was the One-Handed Man" jokes.
Tweener actually did something smart by hiding in the horse trailer. Holy crap. Holy crap.
Well, Jesus, no wonder Patricia Wettig didn't drink the water: she killed his ass. That's balls, right there. It's like Commander-in-Chief, but evil. And less canceled.
Hero Doctor Sara! Took the morphine! She took the morphine I SWEAR TO GOD SHE'D BETTER NOT BE DEAD. Fucking Bellick gets to live, but Sara DIES IN HER OWN VOMIT? ALL I HAVE NOW IS HATE, SCHEURING.
...On the plus side, "probable" DOA. Until I see her zipped into a body bag, I trust nothing. Not after "I got my throat slashed and all I got was this lousy fake case of born-again Christianity" Abruzzi. LA LA LA FINGERS IN EARS LA LA LA.
I didn't realize until the montage that that's why John Billingsley's been drinking food through a blender: he had to, because they took out his teeth to plant on the fake body. That's...sort of brilliant.
So we're down a plane; Sara's probably dead; Stumpy, Tweener and Haywire are free, which means the irony police are having a field day; Veronica's actually doing smart things; Patricia Wettig's been sworn in as president; and I am actually frighteningly happy this show has been renewed, considering that it's being run by Paul T. "I Break People's Motherfucking Hearts" Scheuring. DON'T THINK I WON'T CUT YOU, SCHEURING. JUST ASK JJ ABRAMS.
I hate this show. I love this show. I hate this show. I love this show. I hate this show. I love this show.
And I have until, what, fucking November to write do-overs, so that's fine. In conclusion: I was nowhere near drunk enough for this shit, and actually have never been drunk enough in my entire life.
Secondary conclusion: I am spending hiatus coming up with some kind of plan to put characters *I* love into a universe that does note hate them and want them dead, and Sara, you're totally invited. You can even bring Michael and Sucre, because it's not like they killed you.
It is sort of impressive, not to mention ballsy, to air a commercial for Season Two telling me *absolutely nothing* about Season Two, and, in fact, only using footage from Season One.
Third conclusion: ...Seriously, the Sara thing is pissing me off so much I can't even be sarcastic about it. I just default to capslock.
Because if Sara *is* dead (fingers in ears la la la la la la la), it goes against everything we've seen. She's smart. She's smart enough to get off morphine, or whatever she was on; she picked herself up, dusted herself off, rebuilt her entire life. She's brave enough to find out the truth -- that her father's in on the shadowy government conspiracy -- and do what's morally right (helping Michael and the others escape) instead of what's legally right (turning them in, keeping the door locked, etc.). She's not stupid by any means, she can go toe-to-toe with Michael and not blink...aaaaaand we're supposed to believe that she felt so guilty about that that she went home, OD'd on morphine, and died.
I mean. Here's logic; about a mile away is what I just saw. It does not make any goddamn sense.
It's incredibly lazy writing. I don't know if the writers thought that having two women on the show was one too many, but I just -- honestly, even the *writer* in me, who is occasionally vile and evil, looks at that and goes, "What the fuck?" That is stupider than killing Shannon and Boone combined, and God knows y'all have seen me lose my shit on *that* before.
It's trying to tell us that good never wins, that evil always triumphs, that if you do what's right you're going to pay for it in the end. And I don't fucking believe that, okay? I can't. It's lazy, and sloppy, and seeing Sara like that actually made me cry, and I am not even remotely kidding when I say that Paul T. Scheuring is now on the list of People I Would Punch in the Face If I Ever Meet Him or Her, along with Joss Whedon, JJ Abrams, and (possibly) Brian K. Vaughan, depending on who dies in Issue 18 of Runaways.
Until and unless I see a body, she's not dead. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.