(no subject)
ill start with yesterday, as a whole..
-woke up at 9 for photo class
-left photo early because we were shooting right next to my house and i wanted to go home
-got a new sewing machine (yey!)
-went to the fabric store and got some fabric
-ordered thai food -ate
-went to the beach with ricky (surfboards n' all, yo)
-went swimming.
-walked around on the sand and called my aunt
-walked half way home
-discovered i didnt have my cell phone
-walked back to the beach
-didnt find it
-walked home and dropped off the surfboards
-walked back to the beach
-found my cell phone, thanks to an old man who helped us
-went home
-took a very hot outdoor shower
-mowed the lawn and cleaned out the shed with ricky
-got picked up by my aunt and cousin for mass
-yes, i sat in church for 3 hours and held a lit candle for alot of it
-these religious rituals are interesting. religion is quite a topic for thought...
-i came home
-watched mean creek
-fell asleep
...and there you go...
and now to describe how i feel right now and have been feeling...
i hoped that i wouldnt go through another period like
this
in my life.
this=confusion.im so very confused.i dont even know how to describe it, this wretched emptiness,loss of hope, gain of absolutely nothing at all..nothing.//
within this period i dont even want to get up in the morning nor do i wish to lay in bed, because then i repeat terrible thoughts in my head while in a cold, nervous sweat.usually i am distracted by people surrounding me but during this i am in my own head and cant be pulled back into the world by anyone but myself.you're not even here, none of you.i am alone wherever i am..completely alone.theres this wrestlessness deep inside that makes me want to cut off my toes, pluck out the hairs on my head and bite at my cheeks until i can taste that terribly metalic, salty blood which flows inside my veins, which are hardly even mine by now.
[why does this come??]
for no reason at all does this pain come about.time of year maybe, state of mind..
but im so very far away.and whats frightening, over all, is that the place in which ive drifted off to is almost tangeable..i can almost see it, almost reach out and touch it.
except that there is a thick fog around me, just as there is here..
i havent been the same since about tuesday..i havent been happy and ive cried like i used to, like i hadnt for about a month.i was getting better but i.i.i.i..dont know what happened.
i dont want to go anywhere or see anyone.
at the same time i need so badly to get out of here..i wish i could stay somewhere else on nights like these, nights where the place in which i live seems so forgein to me.., where my face in the mirror doesnt look like mine..where my eyes have a new gleam to them which i do not recognize, where i cant feel my feet against the ground or my mouth when i talk..
i need to get away
i need to be here, in myself
sometimes i just want to switch schools, houses, neighborhoods and start over, find new friends and leave everything behind..because i want to find myself, where ever i may be (and no this is not an identity problem, exactly.im talking about finding the part of my that is literally and physically gone)
but im afraid that if i do so i may drift farther away.or i may find myself
i want to find myself.
i want to be here again with all of my friends, i want to see nick, actually see him with my own eyes, with the rest of me thats gone
im so numb i cant even feel, emotionally and physically
i wish i could fix this all..
.........sorry about the
emotional
d
o
w
n
f
a
l
l
i had to get that all out before i went crazy
<3
-woke up at 9 for photo class
-left photo early because we were shooting right next to my house and i wanted to go home
-got a new sewing machine (yey!)
-went to the fabric store and got some fabric
-ordered thai food -ate
-went to the beach with ricky (surfboards n' all, yo)
-went swimming.
-walked around on the sand and called my aunt
-walked half way home
-discovered i didnt have my cell phone
-walked back to the beach
-didnt find it
-walked home and dropped off the surfboards
-walked back to the beach
-found my cell phone, thanks to an old man who helped us
-went home
-took a very hot outdoor shower
-mowed the lawn and cleaned out the shed with ricky
-got picked up by my aunt and cousin for mass
-yes, i sat in church for 3 hours and held a lit candle for alot of it
-these religious rituals are interesting. religion is quite a topic for thought...
-i came home
-watched mean creek
-fell asleep
...and there you go...
and now to describe how i feel right now and have been feeling...
i hoped that i wouldnt go through another period like
this
in my life.
this=confusion.im so very confused.i dont even know how to describe it, this wretched emptiness,loss of hope, gain of absolutely nothing at all..nothing.//
within this period i dont even want to get up in the morning nor do i wish to lay in bed, because then i repeat terrible thoughts in my head while in a cold, nervous sweat.usually i am distracted by people surrounding me but during this i am in my own head and cant be pulled back into the world by anyone but myself.you're not even here, none of you.i am alone wherever i am..completely alone.theres this wrestlessness deep inside that makes me want to cut off my toes, pluck out the hairs on my head and bite at my cheeks until i can taste that terribly metalic, salty blood which flows inside my veins, which are hardly even mine by now.
[why does this come??]
for no reason at all does this pain come about.time of year maybe, state of mind..
but im so very far away.and whats frightening, over all, is that the place in which ive drifted off to is almost tangeable..i can almost see it, almost reach out and touch it.
except that there is a thick fog around me, just as there is here..
i havent been the same since about tuesday..i havent been happy and ive cried like i used to, like i hadnt for about a month.i was getting better but i.i.i.i..dont know what happened.
i dont want to go anywhere or see anyone.
at the same time i need so badly to get out of here..i wish i could stay somewhere else on nights like these, nights where the place in which i live seems so forgein to me.., where my face in the mirror doesnt look like mine..where my eyes have a new gleam to them which i do not recognize, where i cant feel my feet against the ground or my mouth when i talk..
i need to get away
i need to be here, in myself
sometimes i just want to switch schools, houses, neighborhoods and start over, find new friends and leave everything behind..because i want to find myself, where ever i may be (and no this is not an identity problem, exactly.im talking about finding the part of my that is literally and physically gone)
but im afraid that if i do so i may drift farther away.or i may find myself
i want to find myself.
i want to be here again with all of my friends, i want to see nick, actually see him with my own eyes, with the rest of me thats gone
im so numb i cant even feel, emotionally and physically
i wish i could fix this all..
.........sorry about the
emotional
d
o
w
n
f
a
l
l
i had to get that all out before i went crazy
<3