Back to normal, I suppose.
I don't understand why I have to screw everything up. Why can't I just be happy, and be done with it? Why do I have to fuck with every little thing, until there's nothing left?
I know you said it was cool, but, god, I'm so sorry.
I hate that I do stupid shit, all the time.
*sigh*
In other news, Mindy went home, which depresses me, because now I'm back to work and back to going to class regularly. I guess it's good for me, but damn it's not fun, haha.
I'm officially a red head again and it's quite amazing. It's uber short, which I will have to get used to, but I like it. There are big black chunks in it, and the underside is black as well. It was expensive, but at least I didn't do it myself and totally screw it up.
I'm saving my money for a new tattoo... I want a huge cherry blossom tree down my right leg. I'm trying to design it, but I can't get my brain to focus long enough. I keep thinking about a thousand other things, and other people.
I feel more like my old self today than I have in a long time, and as much as I missed it, I don't think I necessarily like it. I used to be so stubborn and overbearing, confident and collected. I never used to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I never let myself believe that anyone was better than me. I had a lot of faults, absolutely, but I've turned into a whiny little bitch over the last year and a half. I'm terrified of my own shadow, and I hate it. My brain is stuck on it, I can't get past it. I don't like the Katie that I've become, but I don't think I really want to be the old one either. Finding a happy medium is not proving to be easy. Ugh. I find myself being paranoid and anxious, all the time. I want it to stop, but I don't know how.
Above all, I think things are going pretty well. There's not anything going on that I can't handle, or that I haven't suffered before. I'm finding solace in good friends and good relationships. Healthy relationships. I'm finding solace in my art, which is getting better... albeit slowly. Meh. I've resigned myself to the fact that I will never be a professional artist, nor musician. *shrug* Not everyone is meant to be.
I need to really just breathe, and be. I've lost my way, but I'm fighting my way back. I will NOT be this scared, bitter woman any longer. I refuse to let that be the extent of myself. I am better than that.
I know you said it was cool, but, god, I'm so sorry.
I hate that I do stupid shit, all the time.
*sigh*
In other news, Mindy went home, which depresses me, because now I'm back to work and back to going to class regularly. I guess it's good for me, but damn it's not fun, haha.
I'm officially a red head again and it's quite amazing. It's uber short, which I will have to get used to, but I like it. There are big black chunks in it, and the underside is black as well. It was expensive, but at least I didn't do it myself and totally screw it up.
I'm saving my money for a new tattoo... I want a huge cherry blossom tree down my right leg. I'm trying to design it, but I can't get my brain to focus long enough. I keep thinking about a thousand other things, and other people.
I feel more like my old self today than I have in a long time, and as much as I missed it, I don't think I necessarily like it. I used to be so stubborn and overbearing, confident and collected. I never used to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I never let myself believe that anyone was better than me. I had a lot of faults, absolutely, but I've turned into a whiny little bitch over the last year and a half. I'm terrified of my own shadow, and I hate it. My brain is stuck on it, I can't get past it. I don't like the Katie that I've become, but I don't think I really want to be the old one either. Finding a happy medium is not proving to be easy. Ugh. I find myself being paranoid and anxious, all the time. I want it to stop, but I don't know how.
Above all, I think things are going pretty well. There's not anything going on that I can't handle, or that I haven't suffered before. I'm finding solace in good friends and good relationships. Healthy relationships. I'm finding solace in my art, which is getting better... albeit slowly. Meh. I've resigned myself to the fact that I will never be a professional artist, nor musician. *shrug* Not everyone is meant to be.
I need to really just breathe, and be. I've lost my way, but I'm fighting my way back. I will NOT be this scared, bitter woman any longer. I refuse to let that be the extent of myself. I am better than that.